Thread by @DrPetra

I'm always looking for resources to recommend and currently I'm working through books on listening/communication skills. All of them continually emphasise how 'good' or 'active' listening is demonstrated by sitting quietly (not moving around/hands still) and sustained eye contact

I don't find this helpful. When people share problems some might want to sit still and look at you (and have you return that gaze) but in my experience people don't want this at all. They like to move around, to lie still under a blanket, to turn their back or hide their face

It's why talking during a walk; a car drive; while making a meal, washing up or crafting; or meeting up somewhere for a coffee can be helpful - you get places for pauses, distractions, movement, tension de-escalation. It's also why people prefer to chat via email, text or phone

Outside of advice giving conversations through email exchange or on air, I've found the most powerful ones happen when those asking for help are told before we chat *they* control their space, they can sit, stand, move, curl up, draw, share their feelings in all kinds of ways

The idea that someone has to sit still and you have to sit still and both of you must listen as you turn take to speak (and one of you must speak much less and nobody must interrupt) is a very specific way of defining conversation. Familiar, but not always inclusive or accessible

One problem with self-help is it sets up very specific ways of needing help and of sharing advice. And if you don't see yourself within those models it's easy to see yourself as deficient rather than the model itself being flawed.

There's a really big assumption built into the idea that you sitting very still and making sustained eye contact with someone is reassuring or welcoming should they be in need of someone to offload to.