Thread by @quirkzone

//where are you?//

skk, canon adjacent, hurt/comfort, slight nsfw

tw // depictions of depression & the physical symptoms of depression (e.g disrupted eating); mentions of past self harm
__

Dazai holds the phone tight as it rings. He almost thinks /he/ won't answer. He's still

angry at Dazai, so why would he? But then--

"What do you want, mackerel?"

Dazai let's out a shaky, relieved breath, pulling his knees closer to his chest.

"Hey," he whispers back. He hears shuffling on the other line and smiles to himself pressing his face to his knees.

"Where are you?"

"In front of your apartment."

"I'm on my way. Don't fucking move."

"Wait, Chuuya--!" he cuts himself off because it's stupid. Chuuya is already moving, he'll be there soon. But he can't help it.

"Hm?"

"Can you...keep talking?"

Chuuya sighs, but he doesn't sound annoyed. He doesn't sound put out or like this is an inconvenience. He sounds worried.

"Yeah. Sure." Dazai sags against the door with relief, tension he didn't realize he was holding leaving his shoulders. "Why didn't you break in like you

normally do?" Chuuya asks. Dazai blinks slowly. That /is/ what he normally does. He shakes his head with a laugh.

"Not sure."

"Y'know, your agency buddies would probably be easier to talk to," Chuuya says. "I could have been overseas on a mission or something."

Dazai shrugs even though he knows Chuuya can't see it, his smile turning a little sad at the edges.

"They didn't answer. It's late."

Chuuya clicks his tongue.

"Don't make excuses for them," he says, shaking his head.

"They don't know how bad it is."

"/How/ is that

possible?"

"I don't want them to know."

"You're doing it again," Chuuya snaps. "They have eyes. They say they care about you. They should /try/."

"They might leave if they knew."

"You're /really/ not making them sound any better."

"It's too much," Dazai whispers. "It's

scary and inconvenient and--"

"It's not /inconvenient/, Osamu," Chuuya says firmly, cutting Dazai off. Dazai swallows thickly. "I know you don't believe me, but it's /not/."

"You had to leave work, you were probably doing something important."

"You're important too, bastard."

Chuuya is quiet for a moment before he huffs. "/None/ of them know?"

"Ranpo probably knows," Dazai muses. "But this isn't...his area."

Chuuya grumbles, but he doesn't push the issue further.

Dazai smiles tiredly, pressing his head against his knees more firmly.

"Chibi is angry on my behalf, how cute."

"Of course I'm angry," Chuuya snaps. "It's not hard to /try/. But we can talk about /that/ later."

"Hey, Chuuya?"

"Hm?"

"Why do you even care about me?"

"Hah? What kind of question is that?"

"I left," he says softly. "I left

and you're mad at me. So, why do you care?"

"I don't need a fucking reason."

"Please."

Dazai's throat hurts. He doesn't ask nicely. He doesn't say 'please.' But right now, he needs to hear it. He might break apart if he doesn't.

"I really don't wanna have this

conversation over the phone, Osamu," Chuuya says and Dazai squeezes his phone tight.

"Give me the abbreviated version."

Chuuya sighs, hesitating.

"You're my partner."

Dazai shakes his head. "Not really. Not anymore."

"Doesn't matter," Chuuya says. "I don't leave people

behind."

"Chibi cares too much," Dazai whispers. "I'll hurt you."

"Too late," Chuuya says, and Dazai winces. "That doesn't change anything."

Dazai reaches around his knees with his free hand, hugging them tight, hand gripping his slacks until his knuckles blanche and creak.

Chuuya takes his silence as dropping the subject, so he keeps talking. "Do you need anything? I'm almost there."

"Just you."

Chuuya makes a little, breathless noise and it sounds /wounded/.

"Don't say things you'll regret in the morning, mackerel."

Dazai squeezes his

knees.

"I didn't."

Chuuya is quiet for a long time. When he speaks again his voice is so soft.

"I guess we're talking about that later, too."

Just then, Dazai hears a thud as the stairwell door swings open. He looks up and opens his mouth to speak when Chuuya drops down

and yanks him into a fierce hug.

Dazai tenses and then reaches around Chuuya's shoulders and holds on /tight/. He takes a shuddering breath against Chuuya's throat, his mind slowly beginning to quiet.

His body aches as all the tension leaves him slowly. Chuuya's hand reaches up

and runs through the hair at the back of his head.

"You've lost weight," Chuuya says against his temple. Dazai just holds tighter. Chuuya smells the same. And he's warm.

Dazai can feel his pulse under his cheek and it's familiar. It's /safe/.

"Come on, I'll make something."

Dazai holds firm, not letting Chuuya get away.

"Not yet."

Chuuya sighs, that same worried sound. He nods and holds Dazai against him. His nails lightly scratch Dazai's scalp.

"Yeah. Okay."

"You didn't have to come," Dazai whispers after a few moments of comfortable silence.

Chuuya shakes his head, holding tighter and moving to rest his chin in top of Dazai's head.

"Yes I did."

"I could have waited."

"You shouldn't have to."

"You're mad at me. Stop being so nice and yell," Dazai says even as his fingers tighten in Chuuya's coat. "Or else I

might think you've been tamed."

"I'm mad at you for leaving. I'm not mad at you for /this/."

"Aren't you worried that I'm using you?"

"No."

Dazai's grip tightens and when he speaks his lips brush against Chuuya's throat.

"You're still too trusting."

"Don't care."

"Stubborn."

Chuuya scoffs, but he doesn't answer. He waits and his hold never loosens. Dazai revels in the feeling of being /safe/ before he relaxes his hands. "Okay."

Chuuya leans back slowly, pulling Dazai up and unlocking the door. He pulls Dazai inside. He removes his own

shoes before moving to untie Dazai's laces, too.

Dazai opens his mouth to protest when Chuuya glares up at him.

"Let me take care of...this."

They both know what he was going to say. And they both choose to ignore it. He takes off Dazai's coat, too, and sets it aside.

Dazai allows himself to be moved around. First, Chuuya leads him into the kitchen, forcing a bottle of exorbitantly expensive water in his hand. When he takes a long moment to look it over, Chuuya rolls his eyes.

"Not a fucking word."

Dazai smiles softly, sipping the water

slowly. It's tastes like any other water, but Dazai doesn't voice this sentiment.

Chuuya moves around the kitchen, opening the fridge and the cabinets, thoughtful.

"When's the last time you ate?" he asks casually. Dazai looks away, pointedly sipping the water.

"At all?"

"At all," Chuuya confirms, tone free of judgement. Dazai frowns, thinking.

"Yesterday. In the morning. With Atsushi."

"Can you eat now?"

Dazai is quiet, thinking. He sips the water again, and that feels good. But just jaw is heavy and the idea of actually eating sounds

exhausting. Chuuya turns to him and waits. Finally, Dazai looks up and shakes his head.

Chuuya nods, grabbing something from the fridge and setting it beside Dazai on the counter. Dazai looks down to see a shake of some kind. He glances up, but Chuuya isn't even facing him.

He's...washing dishes? Dazai tilts his head.

"It's a meal replacement. Just drink it." Chuuya doesn't turn to him and Dazai looks at his back wearily before sighing.

Dazai caps the water and reaches for the bottle. He takes an experimental sip and hums. Not awful.

He doesn't finish it. But he gets about halfway through by the time Chuuya is done with the dishes.

When he turns back and finds the shake on the counter again he nods. He grabs the bottle and puts it back in the fridge before moving Dazai to the bedroom.

"Oh my, so /forward/,"

Dazai drawls. Chuuya laughs softly as he pushes Dazai into the bathroom.

Chuuya starts unbuttoning his own vest slowly. He looks up at Dazai expectantly and Dazai stares for a moment before it clicks. He makes quick work of stripping his clothes, but hesitates at the bandages.

"I can leave," Chuuya says. He's still in his underwear, hair loose and vibrant against the skin of his left shoulder.

Dazai presses his lips together before shaking his head. He unwraps the bandages, revealing too many scars to count. Chuuya doesn't even look, starting the

shower and stripping his underwear off.

Dazai looks at his body. He's still thin, but the work he's but into fighting is obvious like this. Lithe, like a predator.

Dazai doesn't realize he's reaching out until his hand runs up Chuuya's spine.

Chuuya leans back into his touch

but doesn't say anything. Chuuya pulls him forward after a moment.

"Come on, mackerel. Let me wash your hair."

"Can the Chibi even reach my hair?" Dazai asks, laughing at the little annoyed growl Chuuya let's out as he manhandles Dazai under the water. It's warm and soothing.

Chuuya's fingers run through his hair, letting it soak through before lathering in the shampoo. It smells like Chuuya and Dazai let's himself sink down until his forehead presses against Chuuya's shoulder.

Chuuya doesn't comment, silently working on his hair, carefully running

his fingers through the messy strands.

Dazai shivers at the contact, his hands moving to rest on Chuuya's hips.

"I'm sorry."

Chuuya tugs on his hair, his voice quiet and just this side of harsh.

"Don't apologize to me. Not for this. Not /ever/ for this."

"But--"

"If I didn't want to be here I wouldn't be." He says it with so much finality that Dazai can't really argue. At least for the moment.

Chuuya pushes Dazai back until his head tilts until the water, rinsing out the shampoo. Chuuya repeats the process with conditioner and Dazai is

pliant in his hands.

Chuuya cleans him carefully, guiding Dazai to do the same to his hair.

When they're both clean, Chuuya holds up a towel with a tilted head. Dazai takes it to dry himself off and Chuuya nods.

He leaves the room for a moment and returns with clothes that

Dazai recognizes. His chest clenches.

"You kept my old clothes?" he teases even as his throat grows tighter. "Chibi is a hoarder."

Chuuya shoves the clothes in his hands with an eye roll. They both know why he kept them. Dazai dresses slowly, shaking his head when Chuuya

holds up fresh bandages.

He's wearing sweats and an older t-shirt and Dazai can see how tired he is now. The worry is clear in the set of his shoulders. Dazai wants to make it better but it's /his fault/.

Chuuya leads him back to the kitchen. He pulls the shake out and sets

it on the counter before he starts pulling out ingredients. Dazai frowns. He doesn't reach for it.

"I'm hungry," Chuuya says easily. Dazai nods silently.

He wraps his arms around Chuuya's waist from behind, leaning down to press his face between his shoulder blades.

Silence passes comfortably until Dazai's arms squeeze Chuuya lightly.

"Chibi?"

"Mm?"

"I still--"

Chuuya shakes his head, seeming to cook more aggressively. Dazai feels how tense he is and he wants to fix it but he doesn't know /how/.

"/Don't/," Chuuya says. "If you mean it

then tell me in the morning."

"Okay." Dazai pushes his face harder against Chuuya's back. "Will you answer my question now?"

Chuuya deflates slightly.

"Why I still care about you?" he asks. Dazai nods silently. Chuuya sighs, leaning his head back until it bumps Dazai's,

one hand reaching down to rest over Dazai's arms on his stomach. "You can't just /stop/ loving someone, you know."

"I don't deserve that."

"You don't get to decide that."

"I've only ever been dead weight, so why would you ever--?"

Chuuya freezes, the grip on Dazai's arm

tightening and Dazai stops talking.

"/Dead weight/?"

"A burden," Dazai clarifies. He can /see/ the way Chuuya clenches his teeth when his jaw flexes.

"You're not a burden. Not to me." Dazai shakes his head. Because he /has been/. He always has, no matter what Chuuya says.

"When you love someone, you /want/ to help them when they're hurting."

"No one's supposed to hurt for this long. You can't fix it so it'll always just... be there."

"There's no timeline for hurting, you know."

"There's a limit for human compassion."

"Good thing I'm not

human, then."

Dazai squeezes Chuuya tight, shaking his head.

"Yes you /are/."

Chuuya huffs, tilting his head forward and focusing on the stove.

"That feeling? That's how I feel when you say you're a burden." Dazai stays silent so Chuuya keeps going. "I still love you. And

whether or not you feel the same doesn't matter. If you need me, I'll be there."

"But /why/? What have I ever done to make you love me?"

"You didn't make me do anything," Chuuya says, shrugging. "You just...I don't /know/, okay? We bickered all the time and before I knew it...

I'd already fallen in love with you."

Dazai's hair tickles the back of his neck when he shakes his head again.

"If I don't know what it was, how am I supposed to make sure I don't change it?"

"There isn't just /one/ thing keeping me here, Osamu."

Dazai doesn't respond, thinking. Chuuya finishes cooking and moves them to the plush couch in the living room.

Chuuya sits and leans back, giving Dazai the choice to sit where he wants. Dazai sinks down on the couch, burrowing into Chuuya's and leaning his head on his shoulder.

Hours later, when Dazai lets his eyes close with Chuuya's fingers twisting in his hair, the dam breaks.

"Chuuya?"

"Mm?" Chuuya asks, looking up from his phone.

"Kiss me."

Chuuya turns his head, his lips brushing over Dazai's scalp.

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"I don't /want/ to leave again," he says, because even if he doesn't want to, that doesn't mean he won't. But the sentiment is there. "I don't want to wait outside again--"

"You normally /don't/."

"I don't want to be alone anymore."

The next breath Chuuya let's out sounds like it was punched out of him. He shifts to climb into Dazai's lap, pressing their foreheads together.

"You never play fair."

Dazai give him a lopsided smile.

"Not sure I know how at this point."

When their lips meet it's like

four years of separation snap apart and disappear. Chuuya kisses with so much passion, every emotion he feels written in his every movement.

He reaches up to twist his fingers in Dazai's hair, pulling him closer.

Dazai leans into the kiss, feeling for the first time all day

that he can /breathe/.

Chuuya makes the hurting bearable, he makes him /safe/ and /warm/ and even when he's angry he /cares/.

Dazai wraps his arms around Chuuya's body, hugging him close, as close as he can.

"Chuuya," Dazai breathes out into the kiss. Chuuya tugs on his

bottom lip with his teeth for a moment before pulling back enough to speak.

"Yeah?"

"I still love you, too."

Chuuya bites his lip, shaking his head once. Dazai holds tighter. "I won't regret this later."

Chuuya grips his hair, pulling his head back slightly and trailing

kisses over Dazai's cheeks. He lets out a shaky breath and Dazai leans up to kiss him again. "You make it better," Dazai says. "You make /me/ better. I promise."

Chuuya kisses him back, shoulders relaxing and pulling Dazai closer.

"Okay," he says. And when they kiss again it feels like coming home.

"Thank you," Dazai whispers. Chuuya shakes his head, sucking on his bottom lip.

"You don't need to thank me for anything."

"Yes I do," Dazai murmurs, pausing to steal another kiss. "You saved me."

Chuuya smiles, shaking his head and kissing Dazai soundly.

And for the first time in a long time, he lets himself feel everything they built, all the love and affection. He lets himself feel is as he speaks.

"We save each other."

Dazai laughs, a /real/ laugh. He pulls away

slightly and Chuuya pouts. Dazai looks up at him once the laughter subsides, sighing softly with a little smile and Chuuya's heart skips.

"Chibi is so lame," he muses. Chuuya rolls his eyes even as a blush creeps up his cheeks.

"It's not like I've got practice being romantic

or whatever, alright?"

"I think it's cute," Dazai says, hands moving up Chuuya's back, over his shoulders and against his neck.

Chuuya glares at him even as he moves his hands down to hold Dazai's shoulders. He leans in for a soft kiss before pulling back again.

"I'm not going anywhere, alright?"

"Okay."

And it's the closest he's ever been to sounding like he means it, which is a step. Chuuya pulls him close and doesn't let go. Not again.

/Never/ again.

And it's hard. It's not perfect, but they're trying. When it's bad, Chuuya is there. Like he said he would be.

And Dazai doesn't regret it. Like he promised.

It's enough. And that's all they need.

//END