Thread by @Silvanarscj

#ThisNunsStory #OfGodAndMe Part 1:
I’m a 100% post-Vatican 2 London working class cradle Catholic. We always went to the folk Mass in our lively parish. We spent summers in Italy, which was more conservative, though my parents said it was nothing like the strictness they'd known

Our local community was close-knit. My hairdresser mum did half the road’s hair, & we knew all our neighbours, helped each other out, I’d play with my best friend etc. Our Italian context even more so, as my dad came from a small village & mum’s family stuck together like glue.

I made my 1st Communion when I was 7, and have a strong memory of how I prayed after. Despite knowing several formal prayers, in both Italian & English, I very naturally - instinctively even - chose to speak to Jesus in my own way, using my own words and sentiments.

Aged 5-18 I attended Catholic schools, sitting A Levels with some folk I’d met on day 1! The 60s & 70s were filled with new ideas, music our parents didn’t like & boundaries being stretched. Against that, my high school the Ursuline Convent @uhswimbledon was a place of solidity…

… & tradition, which rooted us when our lives were full of changes & uncertainties. We had several sisters on the staff, incl the head. Each nun in the large community prayed for a class & we were each given our own bible. Catholicism was a given, even when we were rebelling!

I was a real bookworm, and read my way through books above my age, including my dad’s Reader’s Digest compendiums – which meant that aged about 13 I read I Leap Over The Wall, about a nun leaving her convent! 2 years later I found a biog of St Francis, who I thought was AMAZING!!

When I was 13 & 14 each of my parents lost a parent. Over the next few years we had various illnesses – home became a stressful, stifling place. I took refuge in religion, joined a new @YCWImpact group in my parish, plus the school prayer group, forming some strong friendships.

Some of us inevitably flirted with notions of religious life. I wanted to become a Franciscan and/or a missionary (spoiler: I did NOT become either!) I also wanted to go to university, but my parents couldn’t support me financially. Very few of our family/friends had degrees…

… & my parents had both started work much younger than 18. So, I sat my A Levels, got good grades, and thought I might go to uni after a couple of years of working, supporting myself. I left school and went to work in local govt housing. Out into the big wide world…

Phew - 0-18 crammed into 9 tweets!
Thank you for reading this far.
What happened next will be revealed tomorrow!
#ThisNunsStory #OfGodAndMe

#ThisNunsStory #OfGodAndMe Part 2
Work was an entirely new & different world. Home, though, was still stifling & depressing, so as soon as I could, I moved into a flatshare with a friend. We generally enjoyed being young, free & independent, & raucously hosting lots of friends.

I was still an increasingly active member of the YCW, being formed in See, Judge, Act & Catholic Social Teaching. But alongside that, religion & God began to fade away quietly & gradually. If I went to Mass it was because I felt I ought to, an event or b/c of visiting my family.

I was pretty mixed up! Aged 23 I suddenly, unexpectedly felt called to religious life. But, I reasoned, this was daft. I wasn’t praying or doing anything holy. How on earth could I even think of a life given to God in these circs??? No, clearly not – and I firmly moved on!

Thanks to my YCW activities I became more involved in my trade union, becoming a steward, then branch officer – and eventually getting a full-time paid job. I joined the Labour party and, aged 25 I used an inheritance for a deposit, bought a flat and happily started living alone.

I had it all… My own flat, car, career, social life... and yet, deep down, I began to feel restless, and to want to search for an indefinable something "more". I had no idea what this "more" might be, except that I knew I would not find it in material goods or a fun night out.

Somehow, a slow spiritual drip drip began, helped by some situations which stopped me in my tracks & added to my restlessness. Having dropped much religious practice I now became increasingly fascinated by God & Jesus, started praying, reading scripture & changing my priorities.

And yet, although I had God, it didn't seem enough - I still wanted "more". And God continued to beckon, always asking that little bit more, always letting me know the strength & intensity of his love & desire for me.
Reader, I was hooked. 🥰
I’d fallen IN LOVE 💗😍❤️

More #ThisNunsStory #OfGodAndMe tomorrow

Spoiler: whatever you’re now imagining happened next… it didn’t.

And whatever you’ve just revised your imaginings to… no, that didn’t happen either.

#ThisNunsStory #OfGodAndMe Part3
In love with God, but even so, when I began (again!) to consider religious life, I was initially horrified. This time I didn’t have an alibi! But as I continued this journey into Love, whatever my fears, I felt a pull as strong as an ocean's tide

One day, during prayer, like an unexpected tidal wave, God let me know something of the intensity of his love for me; that he had created me for total union with him; and to give my life in & for love. I was overwhelmed but also convinced: this meant religious life.

So I set off to find an order to join! All I knew was what I’d experienced, & my commitment, via my work & activities, to justice. I felt a strong tho hazily understood call to contemplation, but not to enclosure. I just knew that I & this whatever-it-was needed to be unenclosed.

This was 1990 – no websites to browse! I already knew some sisters, consulted/asked around, got a few suggestions, sent letters, and set off on several visits (living in London, where most of them had a community made this easy), plus the odd Come & See w/e. All very exciting!

About 6 months into this I discovered that a Sacred Heart sister was a member of the union I worked for. I was impressed – but not enough to contact the Society! Instead, I was already feeling very attracted to one of the other orders, to their charism, mission & prayer focus

Each time I visited I just KNEW
They HAD to be the ones for me!!! Totally, utterly 100%!

Right?
Wrong!

When I asked to enter I was told NO. I was living happily alone & they felt I was too independent to be able to live in community.
My world & my dreams came crashing down

Bewildered, devastated… I’d been so sure, I’d been prepared to give everything up and… NO??? At first I stuck to my conviction of being called to religious life – this was just a horrendous mistake/setback. But then I heard myself saying this, and realised how closed I was to…

… any other possibility – to what I said daily in the Our Father. I realised I had to let go of the idea, put it down, step away from it… And then I had to go back to the beginning, and work out what God had really meant when he’d overwhelmed me with his love & his call…

More #ThisNunsStory #OfGodAndMe tomorrow
Dear reader, be honest–was this the plot twist you’d been expecting?
No, me neither
But as per Janet Stuart RSCJ:
Whatever happens…you must say to yourself…this is part of the story and the story of God's love for you and yours for him

#ThisNunsStory #OfGodandMe Part 4:
And so I went back to the beginning, to that moment of clear call… and came to realise that this was in fact my primordial call. Union with God; to return and to share his love – they were my fundamental call, what I was created for.

The how & the where & ‘state of life’… they weren’t primordial, they would come after. And they did! Not immediately, but slowly, seepingly… And gradually I came to know that, having put aside the idea of religious life, I could, once again, pick it up.
(Do I hear a hurrah?!)

This time, though, it felt different. This time, I knew it was from God. I’ll add that I didn’t really have anyone to discuss this with properly. It was intuition, grappling & some helpful convos. But I didn’t share much about this – it all felt far too fanciful, not ME at all!

So… back to finding an order!! I talked with someone about what I was looking for, & she made some suggestions. And she said “there’s a Sacred Heart lot I think you’d like…” but which one? There may be only ONE Sacred Heart, but there are lots of SH orders! And that’s when…

I remembered the Sacred Heart who’d belonged to the union I worked for! “I’ll write to THAT Sacred Heart lot” and once I’d found her records I wrote to the Society at her address, as well as to another 3 communities. My letter to the Society was forwarded to the Novice Director…

… who sent me a leaflet & invited me to visit her. The leaflet spoke to my heart, as it spoke of contemplation & union, and as the noviciate was near my office, I went round after work. As soon as I stepped across the threshold, something within me clicked & I felt at home.

I visited the other orders, met some lovely women, ate some delicious meals… but nothing clicked. I revisited the Society – click! By the time I visited the final order, it was all feeling very intense…and within 10 minutes of arriving, I knew it wouldn’t be them, or the others

… but the Society. It took a while to process this! Not knowing much about discernment, I had imagined prayerfully making a decision, based on my visits, but instead, God had taken the decision out of my hands!
So, I visited the RSCJ ND again, and asked about entering…

Whoa
We're half way there
Whoa-oh
Livin' on a prayer
Take my hand, we'll make it I swear
(a bit of Bon Jovi for you)

You can probably guess what happened next, but even without a cliffhanger, I hope you’ll stick around for the concluding chapters of #ThisNunsStory #OfGodAndMe

#ThisNunsStory #OfGodAndMe Part 5:
I had to write to the Provincial saying why I felt called to RL, and why the Society. The RL part was easy & clear, but why the Society? I felt I couldn’t just say “because we click”, so I needed to give this some thought. I kind of understood

… that the Sacred Heart is about love; and it’s about Jesus, & the Incarnation, which resonated with my own spirituality. And I’d felt at home with the RSCJ I’d met, their strong contemplative core & concern for justice & the margins -& the fact that they were all individuals!

I met with the Provincial, hardly daring to hope…
Reader, she said yes😍
And so did her Team😍
Do I hear a Hallelujah??!🥳
That was autumn 1993, and in January 1994 I became a candidate - & in community with the sister who had unknowingly been my 1st contact with the Society

Our candidates continue to work (so I kept my job) while experiencing life in community & the Society. Long story, but the community I joined didn’t have proper extra space until April 94, so to begin with, I continued to live in my flat, only joining them at weekends.

Outwardly, nothing had changed, but inwardly, I could already feel things beginning to shift. In April I moved in properly, with some apprehension (remember Part 3, and “you’re not suited to community”?) – but the transition went smoothly enough. More subtle (or not) shifts.

I also visited communities, told my vocation story LOADS of times, took part in some Province events and met several visiting RSCJ from around the world. It felt important to me to be part of something global, especially given my Italian-ness, outlook & fluency with languages.

A novice made her 1st vows, sparking some holy envy (!!), then I visited my parents in Italy, where I contacted & managed to visit an RSCJ community near my father’s village, beginning an enduring friendship. Back home, & in August I made my retreat here while the Society held a

…General Chapter in Canada. When I read the Chapter docs after – I could see my retreat, my spirituality, God’s work in me, echoed there. The same Spirit at work, confirming this was the right place. In Sept I asked to become a novice. This time the letter was easier to write!

In tomorrow's #ThisNunsStory #OfGodAndMe I meet a forever old friend...

and of course, @KnittingNun @anne_m_dunne on the inter-congregational course

Here we are with most of the 1st year group, on a day trip (to make up for the lack of 80s pop music/cliffhangers tonight!)

#ThisNunsStory #OfGodAndMe Part 6:
The noviciate is an intense time, esp the 1st year, being more a time of prayer & learning. Having given up job/formal studies/roles, the novice is left with her/himself & God. Lots of ups & downs, growth & self-discovery (affirming or not!)

I became a novice in Jan 95 & was given a copy of our Constitutions, to be studied at depth. As a candidate I hadn’t really read them, so they were waiting to be discovered. When I started to read the 1st section – Our End & Mission, & especially Para 8, about the Pierced Heart –

something within me gave a leap of joy. It was the joy of recognition: here was an old friend, one who had been with me all my life, but until this moment I had never seen their face. There were a few other moments like this along the way, but also times of feeling low, weepy etc

… when I had to remember Who I was doing this for. And I had support from friends, incl my peers on the inter-noviciate – we were all in this weird new life together! I made the full Spiritual Exercises, & had some apostolic placements, which intensified this sense of call to…

… the Pierced Heart in our world. This was to inform my discernments & choices about future ministries & studies (theology at Heythrop), & also meant that, 4 months before my 1st vows, I moved from the noviciate cty to be part of a new community setting up in a council estate.

I made my 1st vows as I had lived the past 3 years - with a strange mixture of certainty & incredulity. Certainty that this was 100% where I was meant to be, that God had created me for & called me to this; incredulity & wonder at that very fact, the mystery of God's choice…

& that God had called me, with all my foibles and limitations - not someone more saintly. Somehow certainty won, but my joy was definitely deepened by the incredulity, as I could only marvel that I - me, so-not-saintly Silvana - had been blessed with this grace of vocation.

Over the years, despite some times of doubt & insecurity, the certainty has grown & deepened, helped in so many ways by God’s fidelity & my sisters’ affirmation, love, challenge & support. They have helped me become the woman I am today, increasingly rooted in God & our charism.

I made my 1st vows in Dec 1996 – so this is my silver jubilee year! I made them overflowing with joy; a joy only surpassed the day I made my perpetual vows in June 2003. But of course, this day isn’t the end of the journey, or of our growth & formation, just a new beginning...

"There's no question in my mind that I'm coming home tonight, tonight
Yes I'm coming home tonight
Oh I'm coming home
Oh I'm coming home"
(Doncha love a bit of David Essex?)

I’ll wrap up #ThisNunsStory tomorrow, & reveal who I’ll be passing the #OfGodAndMe baton to for next week

#This NunsStory #OfGodAndMe Part 7:
How to sum up all these years? As with any way of life, RL has its ups & downs, its times of struggle, setback & disappointment as well as joy; its unexpected graces & sources of strength, its challenges & its sometimes unlikely angels.

I entered because I was captivated by God & believed that - for me- RL would be the only place where I would find "more" of God -& so it has been. I entered because I had fallen in love, but, more crucially, because I knew myself to be loved by God, infinitely & unconditionally.

The past 27 years has been a journey into that Love, which is a never-ending journey into God. And true to God's lavish fidelity, I have found something of the "more" that I had been seeking - & the glory & the beauty of it is, there's still a lot more waiting to be found!

I entered knowing very little about the Society’s spirituality of the Heart, & discovered a call to the Heart of Jesus & to journeying into its depths & into the heart of the world: seeking to live united to that Heart in order to make known its love has been sheer gift & grace.

The call to be the love of this Heart is a tall order, and a privilege - & a mission that I share with over 2000 women around the world. As a novice I felt a special call to the Pierced Heart, which has stayed with me. 6 years later, I prepared for perpetual vows as part of an…

int’l group. A precious, intense time. By tradition, our Superior General gives each group a name & motto which defines us, then & into the future. Our name – The Open & Welcoming Heart of Jesus, & our motto – Through his wounds we are healed. This call intensified & widened…

Those of you who follow my blog might have already read & recognised some aspects of my sharing & story & being #RSCJ. I realise how what I’m trying to sum up now is best described in an old post from 2016 - and yes, I'd definitely do it all again! allthislifeandheaventoo.blogspot.com/2016/05/and-id…

This week’s sharing has brought a lot of lovely new people into my Twitter life. The busyness of my day job means I’ve sometimes struggled to keep up with notifications, & who’s who, so this coming week, I will go back, find you & aim to meet you all as if for the 1st time

Meanwhile, #ThisNunsStory is about to take a well-earned rest, after seeing 5 of us through our sharing: @SisterWalburga @KnittingNun @srjudithl @carmelnunsgb & now me

Starting tomorrow, #OfGodAndMe will take up the baton, and accompany the sharing of our 1st non-nun, who is…

Our friend @johnmcgowan50, a Carmelite friar living in West London

So, as from tomorrow, look out for his story #OfGodAndMe

Thank you to everyone who has been part of this week & #ThisNunsStory - now singalong with Elvis, with me & of course with God!