A post-Valentine's Day reflection:
Maybe this is stating the obvious, but with every passing year of marriage, I feel like learn or discover afresh: grace is the foundation of so much marital love.
Maybe this is stating the obvious, but with every passing year of marriage, I feel like learn or discover afresh: grace is the foundation of so much marital love.
Not just attraction or the passion of the Song of Songs, though thank God for that. Not just natural compatibilities or shared enjoyments, though those are wonderful. Not just the earned partnership that comes from having endured tough adventures together, though it's sweet.
Not even trustworthiness proven and trust given, though, of course, that's essential, too.
But grace. Marital love is built on grace. Undeserved. Unearned. This-is-a-gift. You-have-real-reasons-not-to-give-it grace.
But grace. Marital love is built on grace. Undeserved. Unearned. This-is-a-gift. You-have-real-reasons-not-to-give-it grace.
This grace must permeate every area of the relationship: communication, parenting, interacting with others, intimacy, extended family, finances, church, you-name-it. So much of the marriage depends on forgiving, forbearing, overlooking, and then "I love you" in spite of.
Is your marriage struggling in a particular area? Ask yourself: what would it mean for you to show grace in that particular area? Your spouse doesn't deserve it, but how can you show grace?
If you tend toward self-righteousness like me, in the early years of marriage, you were most aware of how much you gave grace to your spouse. An ironic, unexpected joy of age is learning more every year how much your marriage depends on your spouse's grace toward you.
Repeat after me: "Living with ME is not easy. Praise God my spouse puts up with it day after day!"
It's like Tim Keller's remark that we become better spouses when we learn that "the biggest problem in my marriage is... me."
Yet, of course, you must give grace, too.
It's like Tim Keller's remark that we become better spouses when we learn that "the biggest problem in my marriage is... me."
Yet, of course, you must give grace, too.
Over and over I tell my teenage daughters, find a husband who knows how to forgive and how to ask for forgiveness. Few things are more important in a spouse.
What's wonderful about loving your spouse through grace is how freeing it is. It frees us from self-pity, from the impulse to control, from the desire to change your spouse. You learn deeply and experientially what Jesus means when he said it's better to give than to receive.
Speaking of, I trust the sign-pointing connection to Christ's grace-grounded love for us is obvious: we've been loved by him through grace. Our salvation and life depend on his grace-grounded love for us.
On that note, maybe the best way to close is with the words of Mr. T.
https://twitter.com/mrt/status/1361122219649236993?s=21
P.S. A pastoral side-word to abused spouses who are tempted to endure abuse in the name of grace. Yes, love "endures all things," and you should endure in loving. But love does not "rejoice in evil" either, and sometimes you love the abuser best with the love of discipline...
whether that means fleeing, reporting, or anything else. You love by removing the abuser's opportunity to continue heaping up guilt on him or herself and by insisting on repentance.
My thread above applies to the more ordinary brand of sin, disappointment, and failure.
My thread above applies to the more ordinary brand of sin, disappointment, and failure.
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