Thread by @QOrigins

ADVENTURES OF YOUNG GEORGE WASHINGTON, HIMBO EXTRAORDINAIRE

Now, everyone knows there are two things that make a Quality Himbo(tm): Hotness, on the one hand, and a combination of earnestness and... um... not-very-brightness, on the other.

Which should I show first?

Also, for people who -- understandably -- are like "Uh. Wait. What?", here you go:

https://twitter.com/QOrigins/status/1369083425215320065?s=20

The people have spoken!

And they want proof of how hot young G.W. was.

This is fair!

So let's talk about the time George Washington, age 19, was bathing in the river and two local girls *stole his clothes* so they could get a better eyeful.

founders.archives.gov/?q=%20Author%3…

"But Origins," you say, "that can't possibly be true. These are hijinks straight out of a teen summer romance movie."

Yes, they are, because Young George Washington was so hot he bent the space-time continuum whenever he took off his clothes. But c'mon, of course it happened.

We have the court record! And may I add I can't *believe* Ann rolled over on Mary like that and left her to take the blame (and the 15 lashes, but sssh, this is Happy Fun History Hour okay? We're not talking about that).

So, OK, unless Mary was INCREDIBLY forgiving, we know that George's Himbo Energy was strong enough to break up a beautiful friendship.

This is a matter of established *fact*.

But did he KNOW how strong it was, or was he -- in true himbo style -- oblivious?

Tune in tomorrow!

H I M B O
U P D A T E

One time, a doctor told George Washington (aged 19) to take his very sick brother to a less mosquito-ridden place.

He *started* to, but it was SUCH a nice day & the views were SO pleasant that he lost track of the time & had to go home when it got dark.

Really! This what he said: "perfectly enraptured with the beautiful prospects, which every side presented... [w]e returned without accomplishing our intention."

HIMBO STATUS: Proven, IMO.

But don't worry, there's more evidence. I'll tell ya tomorrow!

founders.archives.gov/?q=%20Author%3…

(Also, a reader was like "Wait, you're just glossing over the part where he left his sick brother behind????" No! I thought that was obvious! Imagine being told to, like, take your sibling to the hospital, and instead you come back and go "Couldn't do it; views were too nice.")

George Washington, age 17, wanted to smooth over a fight that he had apparently had with his cousin about a girl, so he sat down to write a nice letter.

Here's roughly how it went.

"Dear cousin, I am spending lots of time with a pretty girl."

Promising start!

"Sorry for that thing with YOUR girl, but I swear nothing happened." Less promising! You are going BACKWARDS, George. Your next sentence should REASSURE your cousin tha--

"But honestly, spending TIME with this girl just makes me swoon over over yours even harder."

GEORGE!!

Why did you write this to begin with? Why are you SENDING it??? Did you not, at any point, think about how this would sound???

But that's how himbos roll, right? Hot, yet oblivious.

Source:
founders.archives.gov/?q=%20Author%3…

Actual quote: "a very agreeable Young Lady Lives in the same house (Colo. George Fairfax’s Wife’s sister) but as thats only adding Fuel to fire it makes me the more uneasy for by often and unavoidably being in Company with her revives my former Passion for your Low Land Beauty"

--------------------

GEORGE STARTS A WAR:
or,
THE HIMBO'S ODYSSEY,
being the final three parts of the story of
YOUNG GEORGE WASHINGTON,
an amiable and attractive man of little discernment or sensitivity

--------------------

PART ONE: GEORGE KILLS A DIPLOMAT

In his early 20s, George was given a very important mission.

You know how Virginia's pretty darn big, and you know how colonial Virginia was dominated by a small number of very rich land-owning families?

Well, hear me out now:

*what if* Virginia got BIGGER and the *same* prominent families got most of the new land? Wouldn't THAT be rad?????

Everyone (well, everyone who MATTERED) agreed that it would. Even the colony's top royal bureaucrat was on board with the plan--and also stood to make $$$ from it.

But there was a *problem.* See, Virginia claimed the Ohio Country for itself. So did a few other colonies. But also, and MUCH more alarmingly, so did the French.

They coveted the Ohio Country for its rich natural layer of freeways -- wait, sorry, this is a MODERN map.

But it's actually useful, bc it gives you some idea of the *size* of this land grab. The Ohio Country ran from Pittsburgh up to Cleveland and then over to Toledo, then down to Cincinnati; and from there it basically followed the state borders (& river) to loop back to Pittsburgh.

That's... that's a LOT of land.

To seize it, the Virginia government gave George Washington (then in his early 20s, mind you) all of... 300 men.

Colonial Virginia didn't have a standing army, so raising troops for a mission like this was very difficult. A few hundred militiamen and volunteers was *all that was available, period*; George would have to augment his forces by allying with a Native American leader.

The French were already in the Ohio Country, and had heard about Virginia's preparations (and had probably also about British overtures to local tribes -- lots of French *and* British traders were active in this area).

So they sent a diplomat down to talk the British out of it.

What George told his superiors was: he got word a detachment of about 50 Frenchmen was on a reconnaissance mission near his troops.

It's not clear whether Washington *initially* knew that the French "commander" was a diplomat & the troops his escort.

founders.archives.gov/documents/Wash…

But after telling his commander the *good* news (that he and his allies "formd a disposion to attack them on all sides, which we accordingly did and after an Engagement of abt 15 Minutes we killd 10, wounded one and took 21 Prisoner’s"), George finally got around to the BAD:

"These Officers pretend they were coming on an Embassy," he wrote.

At this point I should pause to note that most accounts of the battle say the French ambassador died *clutching his official papers and trying to present them to the English during a ceasefire.*

There are a few different stories of *how* M de Jumonville died. By one account, the Half-King (Washington's ally) clubbed him to death. Why? Well, the settlers weren't especially interested in probing his motives.

But one modern historian has suggested that the Half-King wanted to bring a wayward tribe back into his orbit, and that a war would be a GREAT way to do it. He couldn't risk peace breaking out.

Another account has Jumonville being *shot in the head while reading his papers.*

I cannot stress enough that this is a *bit* of a diplomatic incident. Even a himbo had to know he was in big, BIG trouble at this point.

So let us return to George Washington's letter to his superiors, trying delicately to explain what had happened.

After describing one of his prisoners as "a bold Enterprising Man, and a person of gt subtilty and cunning," Washington says: "These Officers pretend they were coming on an Embassy, but the absurdity of this pretext is too glaring."

And as evidence -- wait forrr iiit --

he submits THE DOCUMENT THE DIPLOMAT WAS TRYING TO READ TO HIM WHEN HE DIED, which might literally have been stained in the man's blood.

GEORGE! No! Why??

He also sent other captured documents, and added: "There Instructions were to reconnoitre the Country, Roads, Creeks &c..."

Uh, yeah, why wouldn't they?

"These Enterpriseing Men were purposely choose out to get intelligence, which they were to send Back by some brisk dispatches with mention of the Day that they were to serve the Summon’s."

Reporting back when you're done is NOT sinister.

But Washington -- either scrambling to cover his ass or genuinely paranoid -- explained that in fact it DEFINITELY was, and "This with several other Reasons induc’d all the Officers to beleive firmly that they were sent as spys rather than any thing else,"

WHAT ARE THE REASONS?

Essentially, the reasons are: WHY WOULD YOU NEED SUCH A LARGE ESCORT PARTY FOR AN AMBASSADOR, HUH?

George

It was to *stop him from being killed, George*.

I mean it didn't work OUT

But that was the plan

It was to stop him from being *killed by a himbo* George

anyway, George explains to his superiors that these EXCELLENT reasons

"occasiond my sending [the French survivors] as prisoners, tho they expected (or at least had some faint hope of being continued as ambassadors)"

Let's recap as this part of the story draws to a close:

George is sending his superiors the papers of a diplomat he killed, and also the survivors of the diplomat's escort. And he's like, "Why do the survivors think I should treat them as a diplomatic mission??? I don't get it."