Thread by @AliothFox

Hey folks. Time to have a little (possibly uncomfortable) conversation about sadposting in group chats. This is prompted by *numerous* people in *several* of the group chats I admin; if you're going to ask "Is this directed at me?" - if it applies to you, it's directed at you.

First of all, let's talk about what "sadposting" actually is. Telling the chat that you're having a rough day, in and of itself, isn't sadposting. Sadposting is not a single post, but rather a *pattern* of behavior in some ways and a mindset of posting in others.

For the purposes of what I'm describing, when I say "sadposting," I'm talking about two things: one, repeated posting of how miserable/sick/depressed/unwell you are. You post it once, then when no one answers, you wait until the chat is actually active again, then post it again.

Two, when you post about how miserable/sick/depressed/unwell you are, and people DO respond - either telling you it will be okay, giving you advice, whatever - you ignore that support and continue to post the same thing in the hopes that you'll get more.

And bear in mind, these patterns of behavior aren't time-limited - what I'm describing could be happening over the course of a few hours or over the course of a days - or weeks, or months. But that's what I mean when I'm talking about sadposting.

And if you are doing aforementioned sadposting in group chats, you need to NOT. Seriously, stop. I'm not saying that to be mean. I'm not saying no one cares about your issues. I'm saying that what you are doing is not helping you, and it's hurting the people around you.

Group chat sadposting is NOT a healthy coping mechanism. At all. No, it's not "venting," however you describe it. Venting (by definition) relieves pressure. Sadposting does not. What you are doing when you're sadposting is trying to turn the focus of the chat onto yourself.

And the thing is, I get it! We all need attention and validation at times. I get that, 100%. But sadposting in a group chat doesn't give you that. What it does is it sucks all the oxygen out of the chat. Because you've turned the focus on yourself, but no one knows how to answer.

Let's be real: no one in the chat is likely to know how to solve your problems or make you feel better, and if you're honest with yourself, you know that. Feeling better isn't your goal - your goal is to turn others' attention to your suffering so you don't feel ALONE. I get it.

But here's the problem: doing that in group chats is going to make you feel MORE alone, not less. Because people don't know how to answer. The best you can really hope for most of the time is an "Aww, I hope things get better soon." before the chat moves on to other things.

It's not because people don't CARE about your suffering - it's because they don't know how to solve your problems, so they either say something trite like "It'll be okay," or, more often, they say *nothing* because they don't want to give the impression that they have more.

And when you don't get that validation and encouragement that you need, that leads you to either A) believe that the group doesn't care about you, so you leave, or B) go to increasingly desperate measures to GET those things, to the point where you alienate yourself.

This is why most of the groups that I have a hand in running have a "no sadposting" rule. It's not because I'm cruel and don't want to deal with sad people (dear god, anyone who really knows me knows better than that). It's because sadposting hurts the group and, ultimately, you.

Telegram group chats are a very poor substitute for therapy. They are a poor substitute for having a close friend that you can confide in. Instead of sadposting in group chats, ENGAGE them. Invest yourself into OTHERS' conversations so that you form connections.

Also, just a last little addendum to this: my goal here is absolutely NOT to SHAME anyone for sadposting. It's really not. What I'm trying to do here is help you understand that sadposting is hurting YOU.