Thread by @yollali

@xOuryx CapitalismTellsMe that when I don't /deliver/ any kind of "usefulness" to society as im paid work, I don't deserve to /take/receive/ any kind of attention/help/care/whatsoever (which is "fun" bc these are workloads I also bare and /do/ give 2 others). >>

@xOuryx >> #AbleismTellsMe not working as in paid working, makes me a not valid member of this society means I "steal" attention/ goods/ support/ help, and even thought it's not even near enough 4 me to be able to live proverbs, society and internalized #Ableism makes me feel >>

@xOuryx >> it's already way too much and even secretly wanting all or some of my so-called "special needs" (fck u these are the same as yours only I need different things to get them met!) considered o even met, makes me a horrible person. If my friends and flatmates, whom I love lots >>

@xOuryx CN suicidal thoughts

>> and I know love me, offer help I some, often?, Times accept or even ask for, bc I have to, or bc stimes I allow myself to want to, I feel like shit. I feel I don't deserve to live +that I take their capacities time and affection away which they rather >>

@xOuryx >> need for other things. I feel our friendship goes way down a wrong way, I feel I lose my independence and my dignity and I hate, that I can't just fckn get over the fact that I do need help sometimes. That I do /deserve/ help and that ppl actually /do/ love me and not only >>

@xOuryx >> pity-help me. That I /do/ actually do my part. That I /do/ work. A lot. That being afab non binary with a female socialization + living and being raised in a cissexist capitalist ableist system alone made me unable to not do lots of work. Only it's unpaid work. I am worthy. >>

@xOuryx >> +ppl get to decide whether or not they want or can help me. My brain mostly knows that. Only my emotions don't catch up +the trained part of my brain with all its internalized sht learned keeps me busy feeling shitty + always too much as well as never enough a lot of the time.

@xOuryx We all have a lot of unlearning shit to do I guess..

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