Thread by @rn_critcare

I. LOVE. YOU.

The way my dying patients wife spoke those words took my breath away. The pause between each word. The emphasis on each word as though willing him to feel the power, the pain, and the emotion.

It was as if it was a plea and a fact at the same time.

It's been weeks for him in our ICU. Weeks of ventilating, making gains and losing ground. Weeks of family updates and he's not doing well today but then a bit better tomorrow. Weeks of slowly failing organs. Weeks of sedation and life support.

We finally approached the wife and told her the terrible news that his lungs just would not recover. It's as though his lungs were made of concrete instead of balloons. And she decided that enough was enough. She would not put him through any more.

The morning that she chose to withdraw life support she was a mess, understandably. "Are you sure we've tried everything?" She knew what the answer was and I understood that what she needed most was to walk away with only her grief and not the weight of feeling like she gave up.

We reassured her that every option had been exhausted and his lungs were just too badly damaged. He was not a candidate for transplant even at his young age. It was time.

I talked her through the dying process and reassured her that I would be available at all times.

I asked her if she wanted me to stay and she eagerly said yes, please don't leave. I pulled up a chair and as I took his hand the little knit heart fell to the floor. I told her there was one for her as well... so they could carry each other's heart.

We started the process of letting go. First stopping the blood support infusions. Next, giving doses of sedation and pain medicine so there would be no distress. Next... Stopping the ventilator.
And then we waited.
She told stories and laughed and cried.

And when she spoke of him being surrounded by angels I told her about a little angel song my mom used to sing to me... Oh please do sing it, she asked.

I immediately regretted saying anything but also knew I would do anything to help connect them in this moment

"I put angels around your bed, one at the foot and one at the head. One at the left side and one at the right, to keep and guard you through the night"

"Oh that's a perfect song!" she said. "I hope there's angels around his bed"

I look up at the monitor and see that it won't be long. The heart rhythm has a process when it's dying and I can see the changes. I used to think it memorizing to watch a dying heart on monitor. The slow beats then the fast pace as it gives its finale before coming to a stop...

I tell her it won't be long.
She starts to cry & speak every thought to him at rapid pace.
"You have been my best friend. My love. The best father. A wonderful friend. You are so brave. I'm so sorry! I can't believe this is happening. I'm going to miss you. I'll be ok...

As his heart comes to its final resting place she cries out the slow exaggerated words from the depths of soul with angst and confusion and betrayal and every imaginable emotion:

I

LOVE

YOU

I tell her that I will give them a moment and turn towards the nurse server. Tears are spilling into my goggles and I believe my nose is doing the same thing inside my layers of masks but I just need to power through a little longer...

And after she cries all her tears she asks what's next. I tell her to call a funeral home & they will guide her through these next steps.

And then I give my heartfelt condolences and hit the button to end the call on her last iPad visit.

I really hate Covid.

I don't really know where to begin replying to your comments on this thread but I want to thank everyone for reading to the gutwrenching end, for sharing it to your followers and for sending words of encouragement.

We're still in this.