Thread by @EnswellJones

HOW TO BECOME A REGULAR IN A BAR, by me, a man pictured with the drink named after me at my local. You don't have to thank me. You’re most welcome.

1. Go to the right place. You want a bar with the longevity to which you aspire. It should be somewhere people sit and drink and talk. Not fancy. Neon is nice. Long-time staff. Bartenders named after cities (e.g. Chicago Mike, Omaha Jenny.) Urinal with some heft and character.

2. On your first visit, scout it out for a beat before you sit down. Because wherever you sit, that’s gonna become your seat. I like a corner of a bar (two possible conversations to join), or a corner table, back to the wall. Wherever you sit, face the bartender or the room.

3. Be friendly. Not, like, introducing yourself friendly, yet. Polite. Say please and thank you. When you order another drink, say, “just whenever you have a second.” Compliment the food if you like it. (If you don’t, you’ve picked the wrong place. Go back to Step No. 1.)

4. Tip generously, but not weirdly generously. You can’t buy your way into people’s hearts. I like 25 percent. When it’s a bartender’s birthday—you’ll learn when that is—or Christmas or whatever, tip big: 50, even 100 percent. But the rep you want is “steady good tipper.”

5. Return. How often, you ask? The regular’s minimum is weekly. Two or three times a week is ideal. More than that, it gets a little uncomfortable for everyone. You don’t want to become that guy who clears up glasses that aren’t yours at the end of the night. Your glasses, sure.

6. Establish routines. Same stool or table, that’s easy. But also be consistent in your orders. Have a usual drink, one that’s a little quirky but not a pain in the ass to make. (IMPORTANT: It does not have to be alcohol.) Double whiskey and a short beer. Bloody Mary, spicy.

7. On your second or third visit, hopefully you get recognized: “Heya, champ.” Now’s the time to introduce yourself. “I’m Chris, by the way.” Get names back. (Some bars have them on the receipts.) Use them. Slowly gather string. Share. Hometowns. Hopes and dreams.

8. I know I talk about Ted Lasso all the time, but there was a line that is germane here: “Be curious, not judgmental”—the Walt Whitman quote. “Because if they were curious, they would have asked questions.” Curiosity will rarely serve you wrong in life, including in bars.

9. Bartenders have great memories, but start impressing them with yours. Be the one who remembers THEM. Be THEIR listener. Don’t distract them, and never abuse your burgeoning status. A true regular doesn’t need to assert themselves. Be your bar’s quiet empathy machine.

10. If you’re starting to recognize the established regulars and vice versa, it doesn’t hurt to curry favour with them as well. Be respectful of their space. They might just want a private drink. But nods and smiles are hardly ever out of order. Watch someone’s stuff if asked.

11. Now, maybe ten visits in, if you’re able: Elevate yourself into an ally. If there is a fracas—NEVER involving two customers, but a customer and staff—make everyone aware that you’re aware. DO NOT ESCALATE THE SITUATION. Just stand by, providing silent shadow support.

12. On your next visit: “Remember that time, with that idiot? That was nuts, wasn’t it?” Have a laugh. Then you order your usual, he or she brings it, and you say, “I hope you know I got you, too.” And then raise your glass and say thank you. For you, my friend, are a regular.

PS: I will concede that No. 11 might be an "in Canada only" prescription. Don't get shot over a bar that's not yours. They'll name something after you, but you'll be dead, so that's a bad trade.

This is a very solid addition to the Regular's Canon.

https://twitter.com/MatontiOnTheRox/status/1392168784656482308

Also important. I kind of thought it was obvious, but it should be stated for the record. I have reached hug status with some but never initiate. One of my favourite bartenders talks all the time about how often she gets touched and how much she hates it.

https://twitter.com/AndrewTumilty/status/1392179115613097984