Time passes in different ways, in different parts of the hospital.
There are places where each moment is an eternity, containing lifetimes within it.
There are places where days blur, and time takes a longer arc.
But I get to go home every day.
He lives in the borderlands. 1/
There are places where each moment is an eternity, containing lifetimes within it.
There are places where days blur, and time takes a longer arc.
But I get to go home every day.
He lives in the borderlands. 1/
He’s an elderly gentleman, and I use “gentleman” for the dictionary definition: “a chivalrous, courteous, or honorable man.”
Always kind, and wanting to talk. Sitting up in bed, eyes large behind thick-lensed glasses.
Smiling up at me and thanking me for “dropping by.” 2/
Always kind, and wanting to talk. Sitting up in bed, eyes large behind thick-lensed glasses.
Smiling up at me and thanking me for “dropping by.” 2/
Dropping by.
Like I’m a neighbor checking in to make sure there’s still power after the storm.
This storm of an illness that’s engulfed him in its rage and thunder.
A newly diagnosed cancer that came out of nowhere.
A poor prognosis, but a rich life lived and being lived. 3/
Like I’m a neighbor checking in to make sure there’s still power after the storm.
This storm of an illness that’s engulfed him in its rage and thunder.
A newly diagnosed cancer that came out of nowhere.
A poor prognosis, but a rich life lived and being lived. 3/
It’s important to see patients as more than just data points, to find one thing.
One thing that has nothing to do with their illness, and everything to do with who they are as people.
For him, the one thing is simple.
Chess.
The board game played by millions everywhere. 4/
One thing that has nothing to do with their illness, and everything to do with who they are as people.
For him, the one thing is simple.
Chess.
The board game played by millions everywhere. 4/
He’s loved the game his whole life. He never pursued it professionally, but he reads about it, does puzzles, and plays it on his phone.
This is something we share.
I used to play chess in a chess club when I was young. For several years it consumed me, until I let it go. 5/
This is something we share.
I used to play chess in a chess club when I was young. For several years it consumed me, until I let it go. 5/
Every day I greet him, enter his room, talk to him, examine him, discuss his kidneys and his health... and then accept his invitation to talk some chess.
Chess is a game that has rigid rules, a rich history, and a dizzying complexity beneath the surface.
It’s also symbolic. 6/
Chess is a game that has rigid rules, a rich history, and a dizzying complexity beneath the surface.
It’s also symbolic. 6/
The chess board is 64 squares. Black and white, alternating.
The pawns form a line, the first line of defense, and of attack. The more powerful pieces, the knights, bishops, rooks, king and queen, are arrayed behind them.
Every game is a dance. A symphony.
A microcosm. 7/
The pawns form a line, the first line of defense, and of attack. The more powerful pieces, the knights, bishops, rooks, king and queen, are arrayed behind them.
Every game is a dance. A symphony.
A microcosm. 7/
Every day we discuss the game of chess; his ideas and tactics, and mine. Great players of the past we admire.
He tells me about the legend of Sultan Khan. I’m blown away because the story sounds too incredible to be true.
Turns out the truth is even more remarkable. 8/
He tells me about the legend of Sultan Khan. I’m blown away because the story sounds too incredible to be true.
Turns out the truth is even more remarkable. 8/
Born into one life, then taken into the household of a powerful patron, Khan was an Indian who learned Indian Chess (different rules).
Speaking little English, with limited training in Western chess, in 1929 he defeated legendary players in London to become a chess champion. 9/
Speaking little English, with limited training in Western chess, in 1929 he defeated legendary players in London to become a chess champion. 9/
As I listen to the story of Khan, time seems to slow.
And perhaps that’s what we both want.
For the stillness in the air to linger, like sparkling motes of dust that hang suspended in the rippling rays of sunlight.
Within the confines of the chess-board, life makes sense. 10/
And perhaps that’s what we both want.
For the stillness in the air to linger, like sparkling motes of dust that hang suspended in the rippling rays of sunlight.
Within the confines of the chess-board, life makes sense. 10/
My patient shares a quote with me, by the mighty former World Chess Champion Emanuel Lasker, widely regarded as one of the strongest players of all time.
“If you see a good move, look for a better one.”
I love the wisdom in this, the simplicity.
For chess, and for life. 11/
“If you see a good move, look for a better one.”
I love the wisdom in this, the simplicity.
For chess, and for life. 11/
Even as time slows down in our chess conversations, unfortunately it seems to accelerate in other unwelcome ways.
He’s getting worse. Deteriorating.
However he remains upbeat, even as I share the news with him. Nodding sagely with a mysterious smile, “So it is, so it is.” 12/
He’s getting worse. Deteriorating.
However he remains upbeat, even as I share the news with him. Nodding sagely with a mysterious smile, “So it is, so it is.” 12/
He teaches me more about chess.
That no win is guaranteed. That a winning position can be undone.
That sometimes you can make all the right moves, and still find yourself in a place with no path forward but acceptance.
I wonder if he’s trying to reassure me, or himself. 13/
That no win is guaranteed. That a winning position can be undone.
That sometimes you can make all the right moves, and still find yourself in a place with no path forward but acceptance.
I wonder if he’s trying to reassure me, or himself. 13/
Nobody visits him throughout his hospital stay, and I find myself thinking about him as I go home.
In the lonely stillness of that room, with his well-worn books on chess spread around him, contemplating the next move on the grand board of his life.
I think of him often. 14/
In the lonely stillness of that room, with his well-worn books on chess spread around him, contemplating the next move on the grand board of his life.
I think of him often. 14/
Time passes in different ways, in different parts of the hospital.
There are places where each moment is an eternity, containing lifetimes within it.
There are places where days blur, and time takes a longer arc.
He lives in the borderlands.
And I keep vigil with him. 15/
There are places where each moment is an eternity, containing lifetimes within it.
There are places where days blur, and time takes a longer arc.
He lives in the borderlands.
And I keep vigil with him. 15/
Eventually he chooses hospice care.
I think it’s entirely appropriate.
Sometimes there is no better path forward than acceptance.
He asks me if he’s making a good move. I tell him I think so.
In fact, I think he looked for the good move and found a better one. 16/
I think it’s entirely appropriate.
Sometimes there is no better path forward than acceptance.
He asks me if he’s making a good move. I tell him I think so.
In fact, I think he looked for the good move and found a better one. 16/
Long after he’s gone, I think of him. Of the quiet wisdom he carried. Of the grace with which he faced everything.
Peering at the vast chess board of life.
Every beautiful design unmade, and every pawn a queen in waiting.
Finding good moves, and searching for better ones.
Peering at the vast chess board of life.
Every beautiful design unmade, and every pawn a queen in waiting.
Finding good moves, and searching for better ones.
• • •
Missing some Tweet in this thread? You can try to
force a refresh
