🧵 I've been thinking a lot lately about how we approach domestic labour in straight relationships, specifically around how we assume women’s responsibility by default.
I think a lot well-intentioned guys look at the our relationships and see tasks where no one person is responsible. We both do the laundry. We both cook. We're doing great! But it's easy to overlook the fact that every job usually has a default owner.
Sure, sometimes I cook and sometimes she cooks. But if no one says anything or I don't volunteer? It's assumed that she cooks. She is the one who does that by default.
Even thought we may ostensibly "split the work", she's the one that has to make sure someone is taking that on. There is a mental weight to that. She has to keep that in the back of her mind. It's "her job" to ensure dinner is looked after.
I think this is doubly true for everyday jobs. A lot of the stuff guys tend to take on is less frequent. Mow the grass, shovel the sidewalk, take out the trash. These are still work, and they count. But they are not something that has to be done *every single day*.
We can ignore the lawn for a week. There are days where we don't have to shovel. But we always need to eat. Laundry always needs to be done. Kids lunches need to be made. These are tasks where there are no days off. And that gets heavy.
For my relationship specifically, being able to shift who does which jobs as needed is really valuable. But I need to do a much better job of taking ownership over this labour. Far too much of it falls to her by default. And I'm pretty confident that I'm not the only one.
This is one of the ways where patriarchy benefits all men. I contribute far more than past partners have, so I get praised. But it's still not equal. We condition everyone to believe this is women's work, and when a guy deigns to contribute, we act as though she's lucky.
How many times have we heard a woman talk about her partner "helping" her, and expressing gratitude for it? The language we use here is illuminating. Helping implies it's her job in the first place. But it's not.
As a gender, we have a ways to go here. Did the amount of time you spend doing chores go up or down when you moved in together? What about her? For the vast majority of us, the answer is the same, and it's a problem.
Every relationship is different, and what works for me may not work for you. But I think that us straight gents collectively need to admit that we are not where we need to be. Progress is great, but we still have a long road ahead of us.
Mandatory disclaimer that this may apply to other types of relationships as well, but my lived experiences are restricted to cis straight ones, and I don't want to make any assumptions about the dynamics of other types of relationships.
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