Thread by @Pinboard

Oh, hey, an Apple event! Looks like Apple Wallet is adding the ability to unlock doors and hold your government ID, realizing my dream of only having to lose a single device to lock myself out of my hotel, home, and office and put myself on a no fly list.

New Apple maps will more accurately display the depth profile of the lake the iPhone tells you to drive into

"Maps will send you notifications when it's time to disembark a train." This is bad news for Trenton, NJ, whose economy used to be based on manufacturing but now essentially relies on foreign tourists who miss the announcement to get off at Newark Airport

You will now be able use a dedicated app and worldwide Apple sensor network to find your lost headphones, instead of just following the cord from the headphone jack like an animal

iOS 15 designers have found a revolutionary new form of rounded rectangle. Rainbow logo will help Apple icons fit in with all your Google apps

iPad people are boasting about how you can now run multiple apps on your windowed device, a perennial Apple flex that has grown steadily less impressive since 1993

New set of keyboard shortcuts will allow your cat's ass to lock you out of your iPad in a way that persists across factory resets

Actual Apple slide. Seriously, what happened in Cupertino? This layout looks more like a coupon insert from the Sunday saver than the usual Ive era work product

Now they're on to privacy. "At Apple, we believe privacy outside mainland China is a fundamental human right."

A lot of these welcome Apple privacy features are along the lines of "your phone will now do what you thought it was doing all along," like not sending your microphone feed to the Philippines for speech-to-text.

New social unlock feature for your phone means if enough of your family members hate you, they can read your email. Should bring a welcome dose of GAME THEORY to Thanksgiving

"There has to be a better way than just treating a patient, handing them a bunch of papers, and expect they understand. What if we completely re-engineer the process for a heart attack patient?" says company that has placed power button next to backspace key for 15 years

"As you walk with your iPhone, the motion sensors detect how fast and easily you walk, as well as the length and timing of each step." The iPhone's M1 chip analyzes this data on die and decides in real time whether to direct you to a late night kebab shop

It feels like at every Apple event they talk about the iPhone checking your blood glucose and it honestly makes me afraid to touch the thing.

Oh they're still trying to make their watch thing happen. Ahahaha

There's a Mindfulness app on the watch and also something called Reflect: "Think about something you like to do, and why it brings you joy." This trend is so weird. I looked at my printer the other day to see if it was on and the LED panel for real reminded me about Father's Day.

"Now to talk about fitness on the Apple Watch, I'm going to bring out... somebody else"

(Yes, I'm fitness shaming an Apple presenter. They get paid to deal with it)

WatchOS is the kingdom every faction in Game of Thrones conquered just on principle

No word on whether Apple is keeping the feature that auto-plays the last tab you opened in Safari at max volume on the biggest screen in BlueTooth range. Always a fun icebreaker with the cable guy or Uber driver.

Now we're on to the new Mac OS version, Monterey, and here I have to confess there are like 19 different modal views that Apple offers now and I don't understand any of them Focus, Expose, Mission Control, App Panel (is that a thing?), weird desktops that swipe in from hyperspace

Apple bro is demonstrating a feature that throws your cursor onto another device's screen if you scroll off the window in that direction. Happy to learn there's a collaborative activity for me and my mom to talk about through many unscheduled phone conversations to come

"My cursor is missing!"
"It's okay, relax. I am sure we'll find it. What was the last Apple device you saw it on?"

At this pace of innovation, maybe in 2030 we'll get the Apple feature where you can save an audio file to a different device and it will play.

At least now Apple now lets your elderly relatives securely share their encrypted heartbeat with you as you try to walk them out of some seven-layer-deep keyboard shortcut. It lends a nice Edgar Allan Poe touch to intergenerational tech support

Still waiting for the part of the Apple event where we all pretend like it's a gaming machine

Misheard the announcement that they're introducing concurrency for Swift as "cryptocurrency" and nearly had a heart attack that would have been duly registered on my iPhone.

Please tell me that this is how coding works in Swift, that you draw these squiggly blue lines on your iWatch and it sets up all the mutexes and shit

Apple now boasting that it's paid a quarter trillion dollars in app fees to developers on the platform where it keeps a third of the money.

Why does a cloud need a blueprint and where does the hammer figure in? How do these people win all the design awards?

I guess XCode now compiles your code in the cloud so your CPU can focus on rendering a 90 megabyte Apple web page

We're at the part of the event where everyone is afraid Tim Cook will bring out U2

"Oh and one more thing," Cook says, turning back to the camera. "Use Pinboard! Until we clone it!"