Thread by @ResilienttHuman

How to Make Your Small Talks Meaningful

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"If afterwards, I know nothing more about you than I knew before, then that will be small talk."

- Matthias Mehl, University of Arizona

Let's face it.

Small talk is a pain.

And it's excruciating when there's no way to escape it.

Like when you are stuck in an elevator with a stranger.

Your floor seems hours away.

So is there really any need to put up with small talk?

Turns out, there is.

Research suggests that even small fleeting interactions with strangers boost your mood.

It even increases your faith and belief in humanity.

And it serves as a gateway to meaningful conversations - something that everyone is hungry for.

Conversations that help you understand yourself, the other person, or the world.

Conversations that feel like nourishment for the soul.

Conversations that make you feel validated and understood.

So how to make that transition?

Here's a step by step guide to making small talk more meaningful:

1. Recognize Small talk as a Necessary Evil

Small talk is the necessary first step.

Skip that and you will never hope to reach the meaningful conversation stage.

Instead, get better at it.

It works better than avoiding it completely.

2. Ask Better Questions

Step out of your own head.

Start thinking more about the person in front of you.

Use open-ended, journalistic style questions.

What was that like?

How did that feel?

When did that happen?

Who? When?

This makes them stop and think.

You will get a much better and interesting response this way.

3. Listen to the Answers

Seems too obvious?

But you'll be surprised to learn how few people actually listen to understand.

Waiting for your turn to speak is not listening.

"Most of us don’t listen with the intent to understand. We listen with the intent to reply."

- Stephen Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Better conversations happen when you tap into your own curiosity.

Focus on the other person and try to learn more about them.

The quality of conversation will get better.

4. Be Ready to be an Open Book

At some point, you have to decide to make a shift.

You have to share something personal about yourself.

This is a crucial moment.

It turns your neighbor into your friend.

Your colleague into your confidante.

Your casual acquaintance into a love interest.

Opening up a part of yourself develops intimacy.

It makes the conversations more meaningful. It encourages the other person to open up as well.

The powerful law of reciprocity is at play here.

You don't have to barge right into your most embarrassing moments.

You can start with something small but meaningful.

Then step up as you get more comfortable.

5. Come Ready to Learn

Adopt a learning frame of mind.

Learn about the other person - their background, their work, or their interests.

Show up with humility and with an open mind.

Admit what you don't know. Learn if you find something new.

And remember, nothing can charm as genuine interest can.

6. Be Prepared to Give and Take

Once you have given, don't shy away to take.

Adhere to a simple rule:

"I will give you space to speak. I'll listen with intent. And I expect you to do the same"

Break off if you feel they are not ready to play by those rules.

Meaningful conversations are a two-way street.

To summarize, meaningful conversations involve

- total focus,
- listening with intent
- validating them
- and being listened to and being validated.

It's never easy. That what makes them so rare.

But follow these steps and your odds to have a satisfying and meaningful conversation will increase.

So refuse to stay confined to small talk.

Evolve them into something more.

A meaningful conversation.

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