A quick guide if you’re thinking about launching your own business:

1. Ask all your friends & family if they would buy your product/pay for your services. This is vital market research. Make a spreadsheet of their responses, get honest feedback.
2. Put £10k to one side, trust me; you’re going to need this later.

3. Do a simple search for similar businesses already in the area. Check out how much they charge, what do you think their overheads are?
4. Try to gauge how big their client base is. Do they have online reviews? What can you do to improve on their service? Make a list of ways you can be competitive.

5. Come up with a catchy business name. Something memorable and fun. Like ‘Lawn & Order: Artificial Grass’
6. Invest in high quality branding, uniform and marketing - £2k. This will establish your credibility from the offset.

7. Purchase a fake passport - £1.5k on the dark web.
8. Hire a group of out of town bastards to really f**k up the other competing businesses in your area - ransacking, theft, general terrorising. - £300.

9. Pay some internet dweebs to leave bad reviews on competitors social media and positive buzz on yours. - £60
10. Your business has been running for 3 months. It’s going ok, but it’s much harder than you thought it would be, and Kevin, Sean & Claire still haven’t come round and bought from you. They said they would. Who the f**k else are they buying artificial grass from?
They f**king said they’d “definitely”buy from you. It’s right f**king there in the Google doc you had them fill in. Kevin’s been avoiding you. Why are they mugging you off?!
11. Call round. Kevin said he was having a barbecue this Saturday on Whatsapp. You weren’t invited, it popped up on Dean’s phone when he was showing you the video of that seagull attacking people in the drive-thru Costa.
12. Call into the BP, fill 5 cans with petrol on the way to Kevin’s. - £114.68.

13. Sneak a look through the fence. That piece of shit Kevin’s had the lawn replaced. Good stuff too. That’s Zaragoza 30mm. Luxury. F**k him and his BBQ. Cover the fence in petrol. Light it up.
14. Wait for the sounds of BBQ enjoyment to turn to shock and panic. Stand by the front door and shoot Kevin in the kneecap when he exits the house with the hose.

Oh… sorry…

7b. Buy a gun on the dark web too. - £3k.

15. Take the rest of the money and flee the country.
16. Ah, for f**k sake! Lanzarote? What kind of a f**king idiot goes on the run to Lanzarote? The police had you in custody in hours. You absolute plum. I hope you bought plenty of duty free cigarettes.

17. You can trade cigarettes for favours in prison.
For sale: lawnorder.biz

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More from @comedylopez

11 Jan 20
Witnessed the most amazing thing on the train to Edinburgh yesterday. A guy boarded in Wigan & sat opposite me. He went to sleep for an hour.

When he woke up he bought a sandwich, ate it & went back to sleep. (This isn’t a maths test, you don’t need to know the distance/speed).
Later, the train guard is walking through, checking tickets, and gently wakes the guy.
“Can I see your ticket, please?”
“Oh, I need to buy a ticket”
“Where you going, pal?”
The guy glances at his phone.
“Where did you get on?”
I can see the cogs working in this guy’s head. He figures out roughly where we are and what the last stop was.

The train guard sits down next to him and pauses.
“Are you sure you didn’t get on sooner?”
Read 22 tweets

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