Thread by @DysonLogos

Live Tweeting what may be a TPK in our Neoclassical Geek Revival Campaign.

As soon as the battle began, a hole from hell opened up over the battlefield, and our wizard emerged riding a hell dragon accompanied by a unit of undead night people and an undead artillery unit.

And from across the lake comes Ator the Skull (Skeletor) riding an Eldar Prism Tank using the Dark Crystal as the main crystal (that we gave him after we found it).

We are facing off against 200 orcs and their handlers, 100 elven cavalry on terror birds, an Eldar wraith titan, a warpspider, a sniper, a dozen giant swans with riders...

Opening salvo from the artillery hits one of the pylons syphoning mana from the lake to the eldar base on the plateau. The pylon explodes in a 10d6 fireball, doing no damage to the Titan, but the whole thing catches fire.

A massive windstorm sweeps over the battlefield (summoned by my character, Obergeice), keeping the orc archers suppressed and reducing the ability and maneuverability of the Swan riders as they swoop down.

ATOR THE SKULL IS CHARGING HIS LAZORS!

The prism tank didn't deal any real damage to the wraith lord, but a number of crystals are embedded in the flaming titan...

Dragon Breath from Crellel's hell dragon follows up the blast from the prism tank... But the titan is far quicker than we imagined, and it successfully dodged the strike.

For those without a 40k background, this is the Wraith Lord that the eldar have among their ranks... A "small" mech that essentially serves as a tank for their forces.

Crellel has opened a more "permanent" portal to hell (the warp) on the battlefield. It exposed the warpspider hiding in the warp who opened fire on Crellel, and then it ran off further into the warp - its main power to come in and out of the warp mitigated by the portal.

(End of round 1)

Destiny's Starchild has chased the warp spider into Hell!

Second shot of the Dark Crystal Tank but it backfires and instead of blasting the WraithLord, the whole tank and occupants turn invisible (It *appears* that the Dark Crystal Tank is actually a massively oversized wand of wonders).

The artillery unit is working at double time, ignoring their own defense in order to shoot more of the pylons around the wraith lord. More explosions ensue, not damaging the titan, but it is fully engulfed in flames now.

Chadiff raises the sword of Power and uses the command words "By the Power of RedSkull!" making him into a terrifying xenophobic roid-powered asshole!

And he attacks the witch-elf riding the black swan!

The power of right wing xenophobia against the skill of the witch-elf!

Round 1, FIGHT!

Zoidberg (yes, ZOIDBERG - one of our fool's henchmen) has rolled a nat 20 and CUT OFF THE HEAD OF THE WITCH ELF'S BLACK SWAN!

Did I mention we named our town "Why not Zoidberg"?

The warp spider (using a destiny point from the farseer) took a shot at Chadif with his monofilament canon - Chadif's henchman Brighteyes jumped into the way and is promptly eviscerated, reduced to chunky salsa on the battlefield.

I should also mention that my character is a Thicc Navigator. As in he's been mutated by the spice melange and has become a navigator who can see through space and time (basically free Augury spells) and is also very very fat.

Speaking of earworms (thanks @SimonLandmine) - this is my theme song now... replacing "Night Dominator" with "Thicc Navigator"

The Terrorbirds and their knights are rushing us! Obergeice, the thicc navigator, has called forth the land against them, and the grasslands reach up and engage the nights in horrible druidic shibari bondage, ending their charge prematurely!

[End of round 2]

The WraithLord has made it to melee range! His +5 power sword attack on Chadif just misses (the fates intervene in Chadif's favor) and Chadif is lightly crisped by the flamer. A healing spell from Obergeice brings Chadif back to full Luck.

Chadif's attack with the Sword of Power crashes against the heavy armor of the WraithLord.

The helldragon rips into the orcish horde, slaughtering a number of them as they rush towards us - somehow they maintain their morale in the face of this hell lizard!

The swans and riders have torn apart our undead regiment and turned their attention on the party, but Chadif's remarkable fighting skills keep them at bay!

Chadif and Zoidberg are defending against the entire ground forces of the elven strike team!

On round 3, we still haven't managed to score any damage against the WraithLord. This thing is likely going to be our end!

Ator the Skull has become frustrated with the Eldar Dark Crystal Grav Tank and has started just punching the control panel as it keeps failing to fire! The overload detonates a few pylons nearby, burning a number of orcs!

Meanwhile in hell, Crellel casts his Ray of Carcinisation to turn the Warp Spider into a crab!

With the intervention of fate and my knowledge of the future it deals 28 points of mutation to the eldar who luckily manages to avoid becoming a crab!

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carcinisa…

The Warp Spider steps back through from hell to the battlefield and fires his Monofilament Death Spinner Cannon (a ludicrous weapon, in game terms) at Obergeice.

And the cannon backfired. Monofilament EVERYWHERE. And we have our second chunky salsa result - AND IT ISN'T ME!

The sniper (who we haven't seen yet) has just shot the dragon! The shot does little damage, but the dragon suffered 6 points of intoxication, making it tipsy and unbalanced.

A drunk helldragon on the battlefield. I mean, this can't possibly go badly for us, right?

[End of Round 3]

And we start round 4 with the remaining orcs upon the main party!

Two of our henchmen have been grappled by orcs! And behind them are a field of "greatcocks" - giant war roosters about the size of a big dog.

The greatcocks tear into our ranks, dealing damage indiscriminately!

And the swans swoop down on Destiny's Starchild, but she fights them off with skill (and luck... she's got lots of luck!)

Crellel opens ANOTHER portal from Hell to the battlefield and attempts to lay out a blast of hellfire (a spell that incinerates its targets and immediately raises those slain as controlled undead). But the remaining pylons are absorbing his spell energies, and it fails.

The wraithlord is still fully consumed in flames, but the fires don't seem to be hurting it yet. It turns the +5 power sword on Destiny's Starchild, and deals 160 points of damage (!!!!!!). Thankfully Starchild's minion (the human fly) takes the blow...

And like a samurai cutting a fly in twain... except the samurai is a fucking eldar titan, and the fly is a fly-headed waist-high humanoid...

Lacking combat-miracles, Obergeice summons forth a servant of his god... and as a reminder that he doesn't actually worship who he thinks he does.

A ROBOT IN THE SERVICE OF A LICH!
THE NECRONS ARRIVE!

Not those necrons.

The Dark Crystal Prism Cannon fires again! A massive Deep Purple coming from the Smoke on the Water envelops the terrorbird cavalry, blinding them all!

AND CHADIF'S SWORD OF POWER FINALLY CUTS INTO THE WRAITHLORD!

Luckily for the wraithlord, no major systems were struck and it fights on.

Another shot from the sniper hits the dragon, the intoxication is now extreme (one plastered dragon), and the dragon starts taking poison damage from the shots!

[End of round 4]

Destiny's Starchild curses the Wraithlord with the flames of Moloch - significantly increasing the damage that the flames are dealing to it!

But Chadif is struck by the Wraithlord's flamer, and is now on fire himself!

Ator's Dark Prism Cannon works, blasting one of the giant swans for 30 points of damage as they flew up away from the battlefield to regroup and reorient themselves.

Seriously. This Eldar Prism Tank with the Dark Crystal mounted on it (driven by Skeletor), is a goddamned HoverTank of Wonders (wand of wonders).

Reaching into time and space, I tell the farseer that we now control the webway, that their vision cannot see the true future, and that it has been betrayed by its blindness to what I can see.

The farseer's eye onto the battlefield is forced into visibility so we can attack it.

Crellel aims a blast of petrification at the commander of the terrorbird infantry which has chosen to chase him into hell. The rider and mount are turned to stone instantly and Crellel flexes by throwing the statue out of hell, shattering across the battlefield!

FLAMING UBER-CHADIF (who currently looks like a nazi Ghost Rider under the influence of the sword of Red Skull) IS NOW CLIMBING UP THE FLAMING HULL OF THE WRAITHLORD SHADOW OF THE 40K COLOSSUS STYLE!

[Start of Round 6]

The fires are licking at the Wraithlord now, and it is desperately trying to kill Destiny's Starchild. A massive sword blow deals 120 damage, killing another of her henchmen, Percy... We would weep for him, but no one really cared anyways.

The Dark Crystal Prism Tank fires again, and a massive ball of purple fire explodes among the flying swans.

The swans swoop down and dispatch the drunken dragon.

And I once again engage the farseer through the folds of time and space, exposing the lies of its visions!

Chadif contines to climb the Wraithlord to get to a position to be able to stick the sword of power directly into its control crystals...

Necron 99 wades out of the water, firing his MP40 into the swans.

Crellel finally steps back out of hell, having eaten a magic lemon full of delicious vitamin C and a whole buttload of mana.

[Begin Round 6]

The wraithlord once again turns its sword against Destiny's Farchild who dances aside. Her skilled dancemoves keep the flamer from dealing much damage to her, but now she's on fire also!

Chadif discovers that climbing a giant flaming robot is quite hot!

Adding to the heat, Destiny's Starchild tosses oil onto the wraithlord. The strong winds whipped up by Obergeice are fanning the flames and cooking the insides of the mech further.

Chadif continues to try climbing the flaming machine, but the titan begins to fight him off.

The tides have turned, most of the forces are in chaos and carnage, but our own resources are starting to run low. Turning my attention from the farseer to the party, Obergeice washes away our wounds and and weariness with a near-perfect healing miracle.

Ator's Dark Crystal Prism Hover Tank of Wonders (I just love writing that) fires into the swans again, but the energies deal no damage, instead all living things in the zone fired at are now limned in a magical purple glow, making them unable to hide.

As the flames start to cook important parts of the Wraithlord, it steps out into the lake to attempt to put them out. Taking this moment, Chadif jams the sword of RedSkull into the back of the armored monstrosity and only the luck of the pilot spirit keeps it walking.

Then the farseer pulls out the last stop, and expounds upon how we are all doomed... but the effect is upon everyone in the battlefield including his own troops.

We all have enough luck to handle it, but the follow-up sniper shot hits Chadif, killing him!

Another wave of healing from Obergeice counters the luck damage from the farseer, but it is too late for Chadif who lies on the field, killed by the sniper.

Crellel, back on the field, turns his magical perceptions to find the sniper, and we have finally sighted the bastard!

Another misfire from the hover tank (aiming for the sniper) starts a chain reaction of explosions amongst the magic syphoning pylons! The shockwave sends troops fleeing and makes casting spells easier.

Zoidberg charges sideways up the hill, and decapitates the sniper!

The farseer's words fall flat, and as I tell it that the doom it sees is not ours but its own, the Wraithlord steps up to cut me down. But fate's fell hand is against it, and I avoid the 160 damage blow!

My final admonition against the farseer finally breaks its ability to engage in our battle. For I know that it knows what I will do, and thus I call upon our doom and show it to the farseer.

And now Destiny's Starchild has picked up the sword of power dropped by Chadif, and summons the power of RedSkull, transforming her into UBERKAREN!

[End of round]

As the wraithlord raises his sword to smite Obergeice, UberKaren THROWS the sword of power into its back! The flaming wreck topples forward into the lake, crumpled and ruined!

And the battle is ended...

And a great portal to hell (the webway entrance) opens over the plateau, and the eldar attempt to fly to it to return to their craftworld!

(End of session, NO TPK!)

To the other party: I, Obergeice, Thicc Navigator, can see through time and space and know you are reading this.

It is not our doom the farseer foresaw, but your own!

@threadreaderapp unroll

And the wildness of this grand battle against the elves finally pushed our DM to write up his treatise on how just about any fantasy campaign, given enough time, turns into a high fantasy campaign.

patreon.com/posts/everythi…