Thread by @abrahamjoseph

In Judaism III, we will do this

https://twitter.com/emotionlocation/status/1410994507454337024

Other features of Judaism III (my upcoming breakaway cult):

**Acceptance of coming dark age and climate-change-ensured fall of the third temple
**Survivalism
**YENTL is a sacred text
**So is CHILDREN OF MEN (look, lots of stories in the Tanakh are about non-Jews)
**Hella weed

Judaism I: Avraham Avinu to the fall of the Second Temple

Judaism II: Birth of Rabbinic Judaism to upcoming collapse of global civilization

https://twitter.com/bcwallin/status/1410998776832180224

Is it a coincidence that my name is Abraham and my spouse’s name is Sara? Yes! Will that stop us from letting our followers credit it as a holy sign? No!

Judaism III operates from the pretty incontrovertible fact that Israel/Palestine will be empty and uninhabited in 100 years due to climate change, barring other global disasters that lead to abrupt decarbonization (which, of course, wouldn’t look great for the Holy Land, either)

Judaism III: Judaism Without the Bullshit™️

Judaism III posits that belief in God is wholly irrelevant; what matters is whether you believe there is beauty and importance in the texts and rituals of this civilization (Mordecai Kaplan will be required reading), and therefore whether you will swear to preserve them

It’s called conversion and though we will NEVER proselytize, we WILL provide high quality Jewish education to any and all comers during the conversion process, and they will be welcomed as full peers upon completion

https://twitter.com/colonelnemo/status/1411001927656263682

Off the top of my head, some new holy texts will include:

**The poems of Adrienne Rich
**ANGELS IN AMERICA
**ONE PALESTINE, COMPLETE
**AU fanfic of FIRST REFORMED where the Hawke character is gay and a rabbi
**@elongreen’s interview with Yaphet Kotto: insidehook.com/article/arts-e…

https://twitter.com/colettearrand/status/1411002250604986373

Yaphet Kotto is revered as a prophet in Judaism III

In Judaism III, bottoming is considered a holy act

I was gonna say “Footnote to Howl” but this works too

https://twitter.com/nationalsliker/status/1411005774738903045

Yes

https://twitter.com/luxalptraum/status/1411005979530047498

I’m serious, the idea of calmly receiving rather than forcefully giving needs to be a blessed thing or we’re all completely fucked as a people

Oh and @Annaleen is regarded as one of the new prophets obvi penguinrandomhouse.com/books/217308/s…

Judaism III: It’s Post-Post-Apocalypticious!™️

Ok I’ll shut up now, I’m being insufferable

Humility is cherished above all in Judaism III

In Judaism III, the image of a cat in a box will often be carved into gold to symbolize the ancient Diasporic ethos of doykayt, a Yiddish word that roughly translates to “where I fits, I sits”

Currently preparing to welcome the Sabbath Bride in the traditional way (listening to Godspeed You! Black Emperor and shitposting)

https://twitter.com/abrahamjoseph/status/1409874331849695235

Is it “too soon” to say that I sometimes think I want to be Hong Xiuquan except Jewish and not a bloodthirsty, brain-diseased maniac

Gonna start wearing a “Hong Xiuquan Did Nothing Wrong” shirt that no one knows how to react to

Hong Xiuquan led a mind-bogglingly bloody revolt in 19th century China largely via his bizarre, improvised, personal interpretation of Christianity, a religion he had only a passing familiarity with but *did* have a fever dream about. Gotta respect the hustle mindset

Welcome

https://twitter.com/gamoid/status/1411001255166574593