Thread by @teamdave

Fuzz have jammed me right up and I'm doing hard time for the foreseeable future. #porridge #miq

Here's what's happened so far. My fellow inmates and I have been bussed to a medical experiment facility in Rotorua. The experiments smell bad, like sulphur or rotten eggs. #freeteamdave #miq

The governor here is called 'Steve'. 'Colonel' Steve gives us a pep talk about how to make our time go well just like James Gandolfini in The Last Castle. We promise to behave as the 'repercussions' and 'punishment' sound bad. #freeteamdave #miq

One of the screws made me wash my hands over and over with a bottle of his lubricant. I hope he is not assigned shower duty too. #freeteamdave #miq

The first of the medical experiments occur in the lobby of the facility. I get a 36.2 from a gun pointed at my head and that is approved by one of the blue-shirted Covid team. Phew. #freeteamdave #miq

I am given a cell to stay in. Remarkably it has tv, shower, toilet, and a king-sized bed. I have hacked the screws network and have internet access. I begin communicating with the resistance. #freeteamdave #miq

Opening channels may have caused problems. My family has been targeted and Dad has been taken out by Covid's sister network, the Big C. This is not good. Not good at all. I will have to rethink plans. #freeteamdave #miq

Had a lovely breakfast this morning in the facility. Keeping inmates healthy while they experiment on us important I guess. I like to think the kitchen is run by Knuckles and Paddington. #freeteamdave #miq

Back from being experimented on. Large swab stuck up nose. Almost certainly got 5G nanoparticles in me now. #freeteamdave

Meanwhile, on the same plane that brought me here, this diseased lot fucked off round the country instead of going into miq. How is that possible? stuff.co.nz/national/12564…

Day 3. There were fruit lumps in my yoghurt this morning. What further horrors does the day have in store? #freeteamdave

Day 4. I've ordered a rock hammer, you know so I can carve a chess set. #freeteamdave

Day 5. No breakfast delivery today. Apparently, I'm now on a hunger strike. Vive la résistance! #freeteamdave

That tweet worked. Breakfast turned up. Looks like I'm being monitored. Future communications will be in a code only we know. 😉 #freeteamdave

Good to know it wasn't just me that has had a nightmare trying to get home. #freeteamdave rnz.co.nz/news/national/…

Today the screws provided me with a single croissant for breakfast. That's it. Just a croissant.
Great.
Little do they know that I can survive for months on their week-old croissants. #freeteamdave

Looks like someone got shanked earlier in the exercise yard. Might need to bribe the guards for protection and fashion my own weapon. #freeteamdave

Yesterday's tweets got deleted somehow... the facility might be on to me. #freeteamdave

Let's bring you up to speed. The currency inside is ciggies and as I don't smoke I've had to make my own so I can barter for goods. #freeteamdave

Managed to swap those cigarettes I made for the holy grail of sweets; the delicious confectionery combination of malt biscuits, condensed milk, fruit puffs, and coconut that is known as lolly cake. Heaven. #freeteamdave

Day 8 or 9 or something in the facility. I'm a bit bored. Let's play a game. Where am I hiding?
a) in the air conditioning unit
b) out the window
c) under the bed
d) in the fridge
e) in the bathroom under the sink
f) somewhere else
#freeteamdave

Did you guess correctly? That's right, I'm in the wardrobe. #freeteamdave

Screws have just visited to say I'm negative again and I can now go exercise in the yard with the other inmates. Get ready punks, I'm coming. #freeteamdave

A nice brisk walk outside, yes outside, in the exercise yard today with some fellow inmates.

Guards: 6
Inmates: 8
Shankings: 0

#freeteamdave

Knuckles and Paddington sent this excellent multipurpose tool with my cake today. Should be able to get the screws off the air conditioning cages now. #freeteamdave

All facilities develop internal forms of communication. This is ours. Plenty in there. All I can tell you is don't eat the penne pasta and be prepared Monday 8am. #freeteamdave

Special delivery with lunch...

"I remember thinking it would take a man 600 years to tunnel through the wall with it."

Challenge accepted. #freeteamdave

Now that tunnelling has begun, I have put this appropriate contemporary poster on the wall. The governor and guards will never look behind it.... #freeteamdave

Meet my cellmates. This is Bob. He's a stickler for the rules. 'Mask this, mask that, blah, blah.' Whatever Bob. Still, I'll probably miss him when I leave. #freeteamdave

This is Lamp. Not the brightest bulb in the box, but occasionally he comes up with something illuminating. #freeteamdave

Meet Nero the Iron. You'd be hard-pressed to find a tougher bloke. Likes to blow off steam by burning people. Don't get him on the rugby though, still upset about that forward pass in 2007. #freeteamdave

The last of my cellmates and one cool customer, this is NRG the fridge. Solid and dependable, likes a beer, and is always willing to share. #freeteamdave

30 seconds of freedom. Your chains can't hold me forever. #freeteamdave

Prison time is slow time so you do what you can to keep going ... now he needed a new project. It was the same reason he spent years shaping and polishing those rocks...In prison a man will do most anything to keep his mind occupied. #freeteamdave

"I could use more room for my b̶i̶r̶d̶s̶ spiders."

Much like the Birdman of Alcatraz, I too have managed to commune with nature while interned. Meet Rebecca the Spider, Spinner of webs, Harvester of Souls. #freeteamdave

"You know here, it’s not forbidden to escape. It’s forbidden to get caught." PAPILLON and DAVE
#freeteamdave

Outta here. Later people.
*Cue sirens*
#freeteamdave

Thanks to the good people of Ibis Rotorua, the Army, the police, and the health professionals who took care of us while here. You're doing a great job keeping NZ covid-free.

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