Thread by @teachergorman

My girlfriend has convinced me to have a marathon watch of all the Fast and Furious movies. I will hate-watch them until they get absurd enough that I love them. We're also going to get too drunk for me to live-tweet the experience. You're welcome.

The casual racist stereotypes are overwhelmed by the rampant sexism. It's like they are trying to hide one with the other. Here's a gross elevator glance. Here's a woman as a prize. Here's an Asian playing video games, and non-Black woman calling a Black man the N-word.

I need to drink more.

"You can't detail a car with the cover on" as a euphemism for sex? Maybe I don't know enough about cars for this to make sense.

Buffalo Bill is the police chief! "It puts the lotion in the basket!"

"You want time? Buy a magazine."
Ouch. It hurts.

The subtitles say "hip-hop" but the song is sampling Depeche Mode so hard that I feel my childhood coming back.

Okay, the inclusion of a believable and sympathetic neurodivergent character is my favorite part so far. I like him!

Did they pitch this as "Point Break but with cars"? Because I can see why that got green-lit.

They could have come up with a better title for the big event than "race wars," though. Yikes.

Letty is my favorite character so far, but that's just because she and wear the same boots.

This is Vin Deisel's big Oscar moment where he tells his tragic back story. It's less dramatic than Letty's boots.

The "don't sleep with a bro's sister" message is strong. Also problematic.

The L.A. PD comes across as a bunch of militarized a-holes. That strikes me as accurate.

Hommie got a new car. I'll bet it goes fast.

I admit the class element when they embarrassed the rich douche tickled my Trotskies.

Ug. "The Race Wars." Such an unfortunate choice of names.

Letty deserves better than Dom.

Jesse deserves his own movie.

The glowsticks rave guy! That takes me back!

"Mia, I'm a cop."
This is some really shitty undercover work.

Letty tries to get shot at. Then she's surprised when she gets shot at.

Well, that robbery went poorly.

So many meaningful glances! So much smoldering. Better then the words in the script.

No! Jesse was by far the mosr complex character! Spoiler: They just got read of the best character in the movie. (And the ableism there? Yeah.)

Now a cop is randomly shooting at the backs of two guys on motorcycles in a residential area. Brian should not be a police officer.

Cop kills a guy during high speed chase. Flees the scene. Good thing he has has qualified immunity, right?

Now I can't tell of they are racing against one another or going after the other gangster or just mainlining testosterone.

And then they are racing a train. But there's slow-mo when they change gears. Why?

Well, that WAS a beautiful car.

Brian is a very bad police officer.

Ja-Rule! Okay, I just realized that was Ja-Rule before. I like it! Also, am I spelling his name correctly? Either way, this song slaps.

No hyphen in Ja Rule. @_quackstal says he's not in any of the others. Does Edwin magically become Ludicrous? Or is Ludicrous someone else? I like Ja Rule!

Going straight into 2 Fast 2 Furious. @_quackstal says there's a much better villain in this one.

Establishing the sexism from the jump with the gratuitous male-gaze elevator shots of women in crop tops.

Ludicrous' hair is excellent. Love the pick.

First time we see the white character, he has this sticker on his window. I don't think it had been highjacked by white supremacists yet, but ... had it?

I think I'm sobering up due to the problematic elements just as @_quackstal is getting drunk.

I just learned that my girlfriend went through a big Ludicrous phase in high school. It illustrates our age difference. Only four years, but that's a whole high school career worth of different music.

Which is more problematic, that the only lesbians in the first ones were kissing at a part for an audience of men, or that the only lesbian in the second one has to be a race car driver because if she were straight she couldn't like cars?

Lot more computer-aided camera work in this one. It's a bit ...

I do like that the ethnicities aren't used as stand-ins for character development.

A car just jumped over another car. We are leaving the laws of physics behind, and I am here for it.

@_quackstal just informed me that she will be making vroom vroom noises when cars do particularly cool things, and I am here for that, too.

Also, Eva Mendez? Yes, please!

The cops didn't kill someone! I guess we're not in L.A. anymore.

The FBI agent from the last one is back. Do we get Buffalo Bill back? "It puts the lotion in the basket!"

She just made me pause it to show me the trailer for The Place Beyond the Pines because it also has Eva Mendez ... and looks like a much better movie than the one we're watching.

I. Am. Drunk.

Okay, back to it. They are making the world's worst cop into the linchpin of their investigation through blackmail. What could go wrong?

Now Tyrese Gibson is sending smoldering stares at Paul Walker. The male gaze of these movies is strong, but the homoeroticism is stronger.

FBI dude just sat in a lawn chair watching them fight waiting to see if they would start kissing.

Why is Tyrese Gibson dressed like Larry the Cable Guy?

"Keep your eyes on the road, playboy."
"What, you think we're gonna crash?"
"I haven't decided yet."
Okay, she made that line work.

Please tell me Roman will not be wearing a denim shirt with the sleeves ripped off for the whole movie. I just can't with that shirt.

Now they are racing to a police impound lot to get something out of the glove compartment of an impounded car. The car isn't going anywhere, but they are competing to get there first. Seems like a good way to get police attention.

Multi-car accident. Makes me feel sorry for the people on the freeway. And they ALREADY had the bad luck to be in Florida!

Those big barrels of water on freeway exits are Chekov's gun. If we see them, it's just too dramatic a target for any director to pass up.

He took the stupid shirt off to break a window, and I'm glad they wrote a reason in because I can totally imagine them making him take off that shirt for no reason at all.

Cole Houser looks like a villain. I think it's the butt chin.

Eva Mendez' charavter making fun of the guys by calling them "girlies" is not believable, or I don't like that character.

The cigar MacGuffin is both silly and ... sometimes a cigar is not just a cigar.

Ludicrous has the quietest bullhorn in history. He can use it to talk to people by putting it in their faces without making them flinch because it's so quiet. It's ... ludicrous.

Okay, the scene where Roman sets the guys' windshield on fire was pretty good.

Somebody just yelled, "I'm a goddamned federal agent!" 🤣🤣🤣

Roman is still wearing that same stupid shirt. I think he shaved since the first scene, but he hasn't changed shirts. I hate it so much.

He changed shirts! Phew!

Now Brian is wearing a dumb shirt. Fashion in 2003 was stupid.

Weirdly complicated race. I like it. More than just one long straightaway.

I take it back! The sleeveless denim shirt isn't the dumbest shirt. This woman has what looks like a pearl sternum piercing thing? The fu-?

The callback to the theft of the cigar cutter was good!

The actor who plays Detective Whitworth just looks like the cop who is going to get killed and ... Whoa, going 1984 on his ass! But worse. This is ... some really scary torture. @_quackstal can't watch.

Yeah, this Verone is a really scary villain. Torture followed by smiles followed by psycho-sexual thing followed by this abusive boyfriend control thing? He's the whole package of awful.

Ah, the sticker was the West Coast Choppers emblem. Just scarier in silhouette.

The way they made the villain into the controlling boyfriend who dictates his girlfriend's coming and going and threatens to kill her makes him way creepier!

@_quackstal promises that there's a vroom moment later that's so good it deserves a double vroom. Yes, she's promised a Mazda add.

Had GPS just become a thing? That's a couple mentions of it now. Makes me suspect that was impressive tech at the time.

But his phone didn't flip! So the technology has improved since the first movie.

He now has a different cored denim shirt with the sleeves ripped off. But somehow the red bothers me slightly less than the blue.

Oscar moment! They're having their big heart-to-heart. Dramatic handshake! They've bonded.

SWAT montage. Cops are Rambo-ing up.

Dramatic stares. So much smoldering.

James Remar looks just enough like Ted Levine that they are the same cop.

Roman's sleeveless shirt is blue again.

His computer got electrocuted and went out, but when he ripped the zapper off the car, it came back on. That's not how computers work.

No cop cars were harmed in the making of this film. Except like 50.

@_quackstal loves watching all the community come together to destroy all the cop cars in Miami. She can't stop laughing!

"If you can't defund the police, drive over all their cars." -@_quackstal

"Ejecto seato, cuz!"
I am starting to like these movies.

There's been a complication! And the bad guy is wearing a pajama shirt. This may or may not be explained.

Potential for a boat chase. Or jet skis? They did introduce jet ski racing earlier.

They just crashed a mother fucking car into a mother fucking yacht. @_quackstal: "Vroom vroom!"

Prison rape joke. Because rape is hilarious. 😓

She look back as she walks away. Camera zooms in on Brian's face. The male gaze in this movie is ... not for straight men.

The animated credit sequence is a real blast from the past.

Ludicrous' song Act a Fool will never be spoofed by Wierd Al because, though intended to be serious, it's so goofy, it sounds like he's making a parody of himself.

Okay, next one tomorrow. Nothing says "Happy Fourth of July!" like Tokyo Drift! 🤣

Holy shit! It starts out with a sign that says, "Kill the Indians" and some high school kids beating a piñata of a Native American charicature.

Followed by a "You talking to my girl?" Gross. Oh, and then the girl volunteers "Winner gets me." 🤮🤮🤮🤮

Sean has arrived in Tokyo. I don't know how dated Tokyo looked when this came out, but wow. MC Hammer posters? A giant Casio dumb watch? Is this because it's a prequel?

He's been prohibited from driving a car. So this is Footloose for gearheads.

The school uniform that's played for a laugh is cool! I want that mandarin collar coat!

The Hulk car appeals to this nerd.

White guy asks woman of indeterminant ethnicity, "Where you from," and when she says, "Here," he says, "No, but where did you come from," and I imagine a lot of people in the audience are having a trauma response from experiencing this microaggression a thousand times.

Lots of guys winking at girls. Uncomfortable.

The first drifting scene was cool. And funny. It's a healthy punching down to laugh at a car getting scratched to hell. Maybe I should get into demolition derby.

Oh, good, they are going to address the fact that he trashed a dude's car and the dude didn't seem to mind at all.

It was a kind of extortion scheme. And now Sean is going to try to get money from a giant dude ... who just tossed him out the door. Twice. But that worked somehow?

But he has a drifting teacher, so it's worth it to be getting mobbed up, I guess?

At some point will they address the fact that Sean's father is right, or was the fact that he hired a prostitute movie-code for bad dad who is wrong about everything?

Hyundai was just used as a punchline. I'll bet they loved that opposite-of-product-placement.

Romantic drifting montage.

Oh, that made the boyfriend angry. Footloose flashbacks.

Now she's breaking up with her boyfriend. She's in high school. He's not. That's yucky. And he's threatening her with a life of prostitution if she doesn't stay with him. All kinds of problematic.

Yakuza appearance. Serious business! Suits out of Dick Tracy. Be afraid.

The Yakuza uncle quotes a poem to his nephew. It's a German poem from the 13th century. Very cosmopolitan Yakuza!

Drifting for their lives!

These poor tires!

Major pile-up. Lots of innocent non-characters were just sacrificed to eliminate the big bad's best friend.

They just drove through a crowd without hitting anyone. Person with a stroller in a crosswalk would have made this a very different movie!

Teacher character dies. Time for revenge. Footloose has become a Kung Fu film, I'm guessing.

Dad to the rescue!

Sean's going to walk into a Yakuza stronghold. Twink gives him money. He buys his way into a meeting.

Nice callback to Sean's inclination to finding peaceful solutions. They did a good job of establishing that earlier. Props.

Dad brings the American muscle car! But they put a Nissan engine into it. Harmony!

Some cool night lighting.

Ooo, and Yakuza uncle came to watch!

Fancy shots through multiple flip phones' screens.

The actor playing the villain has a very expressive face. I hope he got lots more roles after this. He's the best actor in this one.

Hit the nos button! Wait, no nos? Is this even a Fast and the Furious movie without nos?

And the big appearance is ... Dom! Okay, I guess it's in the timeline somewhere. But where?

And the closing music has lyrics in Spanish because ... why?

I like the song, but there's lots of good Japanese music that would have made more sense.

@_quackstal has made it clear that if this is my favorite in the series, we're through. Lucky for me, I didn't like it either.

One of the song titles listed in the credits is "Mission: Banana Muffins," and I can't wait to see Tom Cruise in that movie! 🤣

Starting Fast & Furious. Where is this located? Some Spanish speaking country, but if they mentioned which, I missed it.

Han! So this is before the events of Tokyo Drift.

Very dramatic explosion at the beginning.

Where is Baracoa. I need to look that up.

They're in Cuba? Interesting. And sending Han back to Tokyo. Oh, but Wikipedia says they're in The Domincan Republic. A Baracoa in both, I guess.

Letty is getting a tiny bit of character development, but she's still pretty one dimensional. I hope she gets more of a personality eventually.

Back in L.A. with Brian. He's in a suit. Looks like Brad Pitt in Se7en.

Now we're in Panama. I like the globe trotting. The timeline is not clear.

Letty has been "murdered." No way she's dead.

Are Brian and Mia still a thing?

Dom is doing a Sherlock Holmes thing to understand Letty's murder. Cool scene.

Magic ingredient! "Nitrometh." Is that real, or is it "unobtanium"?

Real, apparently, though generally called Nitromethane or Nitro, not Dom's hybrid term.

Dom just almost dropped an engine on a guy but caught the chain as it fell. Um, a car engine weighs between 350 and 1000 lbs. Even if Dom is super-strong, he cannot change his weight so he's heavier than an engine. Or can he?! New super-power for Dom!

Crack detective work is bringing together the two smartest people in L.A., Dom and Brian.

I'm pretty sure that arrest is illegal.

Cops punch each other a lot in these. I don't know enough about the world of police, but I can tell you that teachers never punch one another, and I'm guessing it's similarly rare for police.

Car construction montage. Spoiler: Both cars end up looking cool.

I didn't know Wonder Woman was in this! She's much stronger than a Dom who can change his mass.

Some new computer animation that looks slightly less silly than the previous movies. Still a little HAL, though.

We just watched a couple people die in horrific accidents. Moving on because they were not important to plot. 😔

Then a jokey interaction with Brian shouting at the recorded voice because nothing says, "Time to tell a joke" like multiple horrific deaths.

Another death. That character had lines before!

Dom calls Brian a "buster." What a burn.

Dwight keeps calling Brian "nutsack." That's a much better insult than "buster."

Brian just planted evidence to make an arrest. What a hero.

There's a Wizard of Oz villain. I like that.

In the first movie, two women were making out at a party to let us know it was a good party. In this one, there are three. This is not progress. It just looks weirder and even more exploitative.

Dom turns down Wonder Woman to the sound of some Spanish guitar. That's how we know his love of Letty is real.

Brian disobeys his boss out of petulance. The characters in this movie have the maturity of every character in Top Gun.

They are going to sneak heroin through the border in very fast, flashy cars that can't carry much cargo. This drug dealer knows how to think outside the box!

They have to go very fast through an underground tunnel because, in this universe, the DEA is hypercompetent.

Dude shot Dom, and he was like, "How dare you mildly irritate me with a gunshot wound! Now I will punch you for a while."

Dom just stole a car from the police impound lot to give to a police officer who was standing right next to him. Brian is a bad cop.

Dom has a new super-power. Not only can he change his mass, but he can absorb bullets and make them disappear within his body! He was shot, no exit wound, and we're told the bullet is nowhere to be found. Bullet digesting magic!

This plot is more intricate, and they've toned down the racism. These are undeniably getting better.

The cops are surprised to find that Brian disobeyed a direct order. He's the worst cop ever. What did they expect?

Dom is wearing a shirt with the sleeves ripped off. I object to these strongly.

Now he has a comfortable looking shirt with sleeves. I am relieved.

Dom just saved Gal Gadot's life. And she's an Isreali national treasure, so that probably prevented a major international incident.

Dom and Brian just agreed to do to Braga what Dom has been doing to his shirt's sleeves.

Brian is now having sex with Mia within a few feet of Dom. I feel uncomfortable for everyone.

Gal Gadot needs to eat a cheeseburger.

Little Godfather rip-off where we establish that Braga is an observant Catholic.

Dom just elbowed out the window to his own car. Dramatic.

Dom kills the badest badguy ... and then has to use a sexist insult because he'd already used up "buster," I guess.

Dom is sentenced to 25 years without parole. Is this where he becomes Triple-X?

Or does he find Zen and become Groot?

Well, removing the definite article twice from the title made for a tighter movie. Let's see how much better it can get by removing all the words but one and a number!

Starts immediately where 4 ended. To save some money, they are reusing the same footage. And ... whoa!

How did they not kill everyone on that bus?!

At least the newscaster acknowledges that it's "amazing" no one died. I think the word he was looking for was "unbelievable."

They're in Rio. And Vince is back. And he's calling Brian a "buster" again. How did this insult not take off? Maybe because it sounds dumb every single time someone says it.

Vince's wife, Rosa, is way too attractive for him.

They just said Tokyo has no extradition to the U.S. and I can't believe that's correct.

They are cutting through the hull of a train from a moving car.

Dramatic Dom entrance.

Dom just totally killed a guy by throwing him out of a moving train into the girders of a bridge. Brutal. This is not what heroes do.

They just drove off a cliff, leapt out of the car, and dove into the river. And survived.

Dom just broke the chains that were suspending him from a gangster's ceiling.

Rock's first line included the word "funderwear," so we're totally supposed to take him seriously.

And then he chooses a translator based on her looks. He's gross.

The actor playing the villain is Joaquim António Portugal Baptista de Almeida, and his real name is fantastic!

Vince has been kicked out of the family. Toodles.

Okay, the translator arrived, and it's revealed that The Rock didn't choose her based on her appearance. He's not as gross as I thought.

Still seems like a jerk-off, though. A waste of Dwayne Johnson's ridiculous charisma.

Maui vs. Groot!

The Rock (cop) just snapped a guy's neck. This is not good police work.

The bodycount in this scene. 😯

Mia just announced she's pregnant. She also just walked through a sewer in a favela. That can't be sanitary. I worry for the fetus.

One of the DEA agents has a mohawk with tread lines. His head looks like an off-road tire. It's silly.

Brian and Dom have a conversation about their dads. It's bro-y, but I find it believable.

"One last job."
I doubt that very much.

Putting together a team! Oceans 11 in Rio! I dig it!

Han is back! So he's not dead yet I guess. Or is this Zombie Han? Highlander Han?

Tyrese just said, "Eleven million? Sound like a whole lot of vaginal activity to me." So I guess he has admirable ambitions to go to medschool and become a gynecologist. Or he's gross.

I like that they are self-aware that their comic relief isn't that funny and provides very little relief.

They just made all the toilets in the bathroom back up explosively. Literal toilet humor. Funnier than Tyrese's jokes. I'll allow it.

They figured out a way to need fast cars. And a party scene with lots of elevator glances at scantily clad women. Such a throwback that Dom and Brian talk about how it's throwback.

If they can afford another of the super-safes to practice on, why do they need to do this?

Um, fingerprints from fabric?

Dom and Hobbs meet. So much smoldering!

Dom let Brian win a race. Kind of a lovely moment.

Vince is back in the family? I mean, fine, I guess.

Family party before the big job. Which one will be able to pick up Mjolnir before Ultron busts through the wall?

Hobbs broke Dom's car. Dom and Hobbs are breaking each other's faces. Dom decides not to kill Hobbs. Nicer than either have been to guys who don't look like them.

This ambush scene is pretty horrifying. And this came out during the height of the Iraq war, right? Bet this was a hard scene for some vets.

Vince got shot. They are redeeming his character as he bleeds out. Note: Don't behave in such a way that you only become likable in the last ten seconds of your life.

Hobbs is joining the team. Police in this series have very little interest in enforcing the law. "To protect and serve" has been replaced by "To flex and avenge."

This chase scene is bonkers and I love it.

Han just swooped in right when it seemed they were doomed.

Hobbs just executed the bad guy with a doubletap and barely a glance. He's not a hero; he's a monster!

They pulled off the switcheroo.

The scene where they get the money and have tears in their eyes is believable.

Roman can afford a shirt with sleeves still attached!

Han and Wonder Woman! That makes me happy. Yeah, he's going to die in Tokyo, but he'll be happy first with the woman of his dreams. Good for him. Hope it means she's not doomed, too.

Brian and Dom race in the closing credits. Just for fun. Wonder how many pedestrians they kill. We'll never know.

Surprise after-credit sequence: What?!

We're up to Fast and the Furious 6. The opening credits have a series of shots from the previous movies. Very much like a TV series now.

No Tokyo Drift clips in the montage. They really want us to forget that one!

@_quackstal says that one hasn't happened yet in the chronology.

Hey, the woman from Mandalorian who turned out to be a racist anti-vaxxer is in this one!

The Rock just carried out a very illegal interrogation where he beat the crap out of a suspect. Then he called his colleague, "Woman," like it's her name. Classy.

The Rock found Vin Diesel in his non-extradition country hide-out. Gave him a picture of Letty. His girlfriend told him to go find her. She is too kind for this family.

The Rock wants Dom to put his team together. They are all rich now.

Dom calls them all at once. He sends the police after Han Solo and Wonder Woman. Weird that he would use the police to get his friends!

Mia and Brian have a beautiful baby! So I wonder which of the two Dom will recruit. Guessing a mom won't be invited.

Sexist.

Saw a picture of "Shaw" but he isn't Shaw. Intrigued!

He's offering them Letty. Brian demands full pardons. Dom looks straight at the camera and says, "I am Groot." No, but that would have been cooler.

They got Shaw. Wait! It's a trick. It'a a ploy to ... take down Interpol? Um, that makes no sense. Clearly they are counting on the audience not knowing what Interpol is.

He blew up a building. Very Batman-y.

Brian just almost shot a sniper on a roof with a pistol. Add this to their list of super-powers: Brian can make a pistol more accurate than a sniper rifle.

The bad guys had chips they attacked to Roman and Ludicrous' cars that made them crash. Brian broke his off in time.

Brian's car got wrecked by the ramp-shaped formula one tank car thingy. Now it's up to Dom and The Rock.

The Rock did something very dramatic and pointless.

Dom found Letty.
Letty shot Dom.
Good thing Dom has bullet absorbing pectoral muscles.

He removed the bullet this time! Guess he wanted to get it for a keepsake before his body digested it.

Letty doesn't remember Dom.
She frowns about it. She frowns a lot. That's how you know she's going through some shit.

The Rock brought an armored personnel carrier. Totally normal.

The Rock just called Tej Parker (Ludicrous) "Son." Dislike.

Roman just made a Moby Dick reference. Impressed.

Racist Anti-Vaxxer and Wonder Woman are beating a dude up to get information. Roman and Han Solo get off on watching. Uncomfortable.

Tej and The Rock make a salesman give them his shirt. It's funny. Then The Rock demands his pants. Way to make it weird, @TheRock. Then Ludacris demands his watch. Thank you for saving the scene, @Ludacris.

Baddies with Letty show up and shoot up the place that made the ramp car tank thingies. The dying mechanic says, "Braga."
This means something.

I think Letty just punched racist Anti-Vaxxer in the crotch in their fight scene. Now she bit her. Don't bite her! She's not vaccinated!
Letty's going to get the mumps.

A bad guy chased Roman and Han Solo through half of London, beat the crap out of both, and then just left. What was their plan?

Backstory! Shaw runs his fingers through Letty's hair while he talks about how he found her with no memory. She's not into him, so it's really creepy.

Brian is going to go interrogate Braga. But he's not supposed to go to the US, so ... why don't they send The Rock who we have already established is allowed to beat information out of people?

The Rock collaborates with local authorities by nearly crushing a possibly corrupt official's hand.

Brian's old cop nemesis helps him sneak into the country and meet Braga in prison. But Braga is in solitary, so Brian beats up the friend who helped him to get Braga's attention. Brian is not nice to the guy being nice to him because ... he's a hero?

Roman almost accidentally kills Dom or Han Solo with a harpoon gun. In a world where violence solves all problems, it's nice to see it also solves the problem of a boring, expositional conversation.

Braga decides to tell Brian something because, "You're a dead man walking anyway." Classic villain blunder.

We get to see how Letty survived. Unsurprising.

Braga sends two guys to kill Brian in his cell. He beats them up. Then stabs Braga for info. Makes The Rock beating a confession out of someone seem downright civilized.

Dom finds Letty at a car race. Wonder what will happen!

They race.

What does, "Don't bite the bait" mean?

Dom proves he knows Letty by telling her the story of her scars. The camera keeps spinning around them. I'm getting dizzy. It's a bit much.

He gives her the cross necklace back. Then he says, "We are Groot." It's very touching.

Shaw shows up. Monologues. Bet he'll reveal too much!

Shaw explains his code, then compliments Dom on his code of ethics but explains that it's inferior. It's as close to we get to philosophical depth and it lasts ... The Rock interrupts with a gun. That seems fitting.

Brian and the cop he keeps punching share a moment. Okay, a half a moment. You can just say, "Thank you," Brian!

Letty and Shaw have a staring contest. She gives him her cross necklace. I don't understand her loyalty to this guy she also seems to hate and be revolted by. So far she's only expressed anger and disdain for him.

Okay, "Samoan Thor" is the best line so far.

They figured out Shaw's plan! It's ... the absolute most predictable plan for a movie where everything needs to happen in moving cars. If only Hobbs knew what movie he was in!

Dom's crew knows what movie they are in, so they're ready.

Sort of. There's a tank.

Wonder Woman and Han Solo are on motorcycles without helmets. I know they're pretty, but c'mon! Are they taking advice from Anti-Vaxxer?

The tank is driving over so many innocent people in cars! So much murder! Even Evil Letty finds it excessive. Maybe she doesn't know what movie she's in.

The amount of destruction is great. The civilian casualties are stomach-turning.

The stunt where Dom saves Letty is so crazy but I love it.

Who cares about plausibility or physics? It looked awesome. It fit with the "plot" and the "characters." It was great.

Letty says no one makes her do anything she doesn't want to, which seems like both a personality trait and a weird thing for a person who has been working for Shaw to say.

They let Shaw out of jail to monologue to the family.

Shaw just ... What?!

The Rock just put a gun to the NATO general's head so Shaw could take a computer chip inexchange for the lives of a couple hostages. No. Freaking. Way.

And Racist McAntiVaxxer turned out to be a bad guy. Of course. That one I had seen coming. But Hobbs siding with some criminals in a way that puts millions of lives at risk? Well, he is a douche, so ...

They chase down an airplane, and Mia is already there? We just found out the capture we saw was a flashback so the hostages could be brought to the place where they are least useful and most likely to be rescued. Shaw is not the criminal genius he thinks he is.

The guy playing Shaw's muscle is enormous. How did they find someone who makes Vin Diesel look small? The Oscar for casting goes to whoever found that guy.

They divide up to fight by gender. Of course.

The monster dude makes The Rock look small, too. Who is that guy?

Letty just shot a spear gun at Racist McAntiVaxxer, but that one just happened to not have a line attached because stringing her corpse from the plane would just be too much, I guess.

Wonder Woman sacrificed herself for Han Solo.

Dom could save himself but he goes back to stop Shaw from getting the chip which is more responsible than Hobbs and also unnecessary since the plane is crashing.

The plane is a giant fireball. We're supposed to think Dom is inside.

He can absorb bullets. He can (sort-of) fly. Of course he's immune to fire!

But then they realize Wonder Woman died. So they are sad for Han Solo.

Dom has saved the day, so he gets to stop living in paradise and gets to move back to a little, shitty house in LA.

The Rock making Ludacris do a spit-take is the best moment so far.

Super awkward moment between Dom's two girlfriends followed by the homoerotic scene between Dom and The Rock followed by Dom asking one girlfriend to ... maybe be part of a thrupple with him and the amnesiac who doesn't remember him? So much weirdness!

Luckily Roman says a prayer thanking God for fast cars, so everything feels more comfortable.

Post-credits race through Tokyo. Han is killed. Again. But this is the first time. But then Crank kills him! He wasn't there before, but @_quackstal assures me he could have been.

Starting Fast and the Furious 7. Monologue by Crank. Shaw is the brother of blown-up Shaw. That tracks. I'll call new Shaw Crank fir the sake of clarity.

He gives his unconscious brother a machine gun. Weird gift.

Turns out he killed a shit-ton of people in the hospital. Kills a cop casually on the way out. He's a bad guy.

Like the change in the color of the film to let us know we've left blue London and jumped to the sepia American Southwest.

Back to "Race Wars." Still a terrible name for an event!

Obligatory ogling of women in bathing suits.

Will winning a car race heal Letty's broken brain?

No! She has a panic attack! It's oddly emotionally affecting.

Brian is a minivan dad. It's supposed to be a sad come-down ... and it is.

Dom wants to smash Letty's tombstone. Letty wants it. Even symbols are treated with violence or threats of violence. Can we unleash Dom on Confederate monuments, please?

The Rock calls a female coworker "Woman." Gross.

Then he has a sentimental moment. Then he puts the kibosh on it for being sentimental.

Crank and The Rock fight. They break all the furniture in the office. Then The Rock saves Elena when Crank blows it up. Crank is fine. The Rock is unconscious.

Have we been told what agency The Rock works for? Their office was very expensive looking before Crank blew it up.

Mia is pregnant again and doesn't want to tell Brian, so she tells Dom.

Crank kills Han Solo and nearly blows up Mia, Brian, toddler, and Dom with a bomb on their front porch. So everyone has motivation to kill everyone now.

The Rock is watching The Hulk. Nice touch.

We meet The Rock's daughter. i didn't catch her name. I assume Hobbs named her "Woman."

Crank is a super-spy.

The Rock says, "I'm gonna out a hurt on him so bad he's gonna wish his momma had kept her legs closed," and I just ... 🤢🤮

The Rock gives Dom permission to kill Crank and says, "Don't miss," which implies Dom will use a gun, but we know Dom kills people with cars, so we'll see how Chekov's Muscle Car is fired in the third act.

Mia doesn't tell Brian she's pregnant so he can go help Dom. Added stakes!

Tokyo drift people. Sean gives Dom Letty's necklace. Asks Dom what he's going to do to Crank. Dom says, "Words ain't even been invented yet." I'm skeptical. There are a lot more words than Dom knows.

Trying not to watch this through the lens of Paul Walker's death is challenging. I see why people were sad.

Dom chases Crank through LA. Then they play chicken. Then they smash their cars into one another. Then they are both fine. They threaten each other.

Then Starlord's dad shows up. His name is Mr. Nobody, but I'll call him Ego because that's shorter.

The Rock sent Ego to help Dom. Ego wants Dom. He wants Dom to help him find Mose, a new terrorist character, who wants to save us all from God's Eye. He is not allowed to go after it himself for reasons he conveniently can't explain. So he needs Dom.

He offers to let Dom use The God's Eye to find Crank. Ego already rounded up Dom's team for him to save us a montage.

Ludacris is playing a game on his phone during the briefing and I love that touch.

Roman tries to take charge. He accidentally stumbles into a plan. Ego says, "Completely wrong thinking. I like it." This is how this script was written! And I like it!

Letty shows up to avenge Han Solo who she doesn't remember but still.

Dom says, "This time it ain't just about being fast," and it's also about being silly and I'm enjoying the hell out if it.

Roman is nervous. Ludacris offers him some adult diapers he out in the glove compartment.

Their cars fly. I expect a Sharknado any minute.

The parachuting cars work perfectly. The jeep lands off-road and the ones that have to be on pavement land on the street. It's so absurd it's come all the way around to making sense.

They form up behind the one bulletproof car and smash into the convoy. Why don't they all have bulletproof cars?

The badguy bus has a bunch of super machine gun cannons. I remember this show called M.A.S.K. that I loved as a kid. Was I the only person who watched that?

Brian finds and saves Missandei. She was one of my favorites in GoT! Hope she finds her Gray Worm in this and every universe!

Crank shows up when Missandei is hanging on the hood of Dom's car. It'a so exciting that ...

... we hit pause to watch this:

https://twitter.com/VancityReynolds/status/1414987701502218244?s=19

Korg! Love him! Okay, back to Groot.

Crank pushed Dom off the road. Or maybe Dom chose to go off the road and Crank chased him. Unclear. Then they went over a cliff, and one of Crank's henchmen got super-dead. That part was very clear.

There's another cliff. Missadei is far more worried about this one than the last one, though the last appeared just as bottomless.

Brian is still punching in the bus. He smashed a dude's face into a button, activated the bus' cannons, and they shot up a bad guy's car. lucky and luckier.

But the bus fell on its side and slid over a cliff. Brian is hanging over a chasm from a swinging door. Oh, he's climbing on top of the bus. He's running in slow motion. No time for slow motion, Brian!

Letty saved him by swinging the tail of her car over the edge of the cliff to make up for the inches he would have missed by.

Dom and Missandei are captured by Korath the Pursuer from Guardians of the Galaxy who is after Groot again. (I know Djimon Hounsou is a great actor, but since he's basically playing Korath again, let's go with that.)

The good guys back at base think Dom has frozen. But Ego believes in him! Dom gives Missandei a helmet and drives off a cliff to get away. He sails away on the wings of Kurt Russel's love.

No, his car mostly just rolls down the hill.

He's fine.

We know Missandei is messed up because her eye make-up ran.

Roman says Missandei is too pretty to be a hacker. This is problematic in the case of anyone but her. She is too pretty to be believable as anything. Including @missnemmanuel. I think she might be a real life Eternal.

Movies have taught me that most hackers are incredibly attractive. But none are on the same level as @missnemmanuel. Sorry, Keanu.

They go to Abu Dhabi because Missandei mailed God's Eye to a friend there. I hope it was to Daenerys. This movie needs dragons.

She gave it to a friend for safe keeping. He sold it to a Jordanian prince who has a car that goes 242 mph. He keeps the car in his bedroom. We have given up any pretense that these people don't have sexual fetishes for cars.

Dom and Letty share a moment because she's wearing a dress that reminds him of "old times" back when she never wore dresses like that.

They've snuck into a very classy party except there are women in bikinis dancing around just like at Race Wars but now they are spraypainted gold. It's like Donald Trump's idea of classy; take normal things and put gold paint on them and now it's fake rich people stuff!

Roman is the distraction. They've really leaned into him not being funny. I like it! If you can't write a joke, write a person telling a bad joke and everyone else shaking their heads. This appeals to me as a middle-aged dad.

The all-female security team is sent to fist fight with Letty. The strict adherence to men not punching women is ridiculous and inevitably leads to women kicking one another in the crotch because that's what male fight choreographers think men would do in their places.

Ludacris kicks a guy's ass in front of Missandei. Bet this will lead them to fall in love.

Dom drives a car out the window of a skyscraper and perfectly into the window of the next. But the brakes are out so he has to do it again. And he uses some priceless antiquities to slow the car before they jump out and it falls out of the third sky scraper.

This is treated as a success. Guess they got the thingy. Sorry, art and history and culture. This movie has killed you all.

Ego keeps his end of the bargain, and Dom gets Missandei to find Crank. Very "Civil rights until they're inconvenient" like Dark Knight.

But Crank is just enjoying a meal waiting for them. He has a grenade.

But Crank has a surprise army! Including Korath the Pursuer who has ... pursued them here.

Ego gets shot. He winks like getting shot was part of his plan. Seems unwise to me, but then, I don't have a brain the size of a planet like Kurt Russell.

The bad guys have God's Eye. Ego sends Dom to protect Missandei from Crank and Korath.

Dom's big plan is to go back to L.A.

There's some preposterous technobabble to justify a big game of keep away in cars in the streets of L.A.

Brian calls Mia and tells her he might die. She tells him she's going to have another child. This scene would be lame without the off camera subtext.

Dom makes a sawed-off in the preparation montage. Chekov's sawed-ov.

The bad guys aren't in cars, and the gear heads don't know how to handle that.

In addition to their jet helicopter, the bad guys have a cool drone.

Dom tricks Crank into following him into a parking garage with no way out. Um, good plan, Groot.

They play chicken on the roof.

Meanwhile, they make Missandei switch out of moving cars while Brian jumps out of his car as it's blown up.

Dom makes his car smash Crank's car. Both are fine. They shoot at each other. Both are fine.

The Rock sees it going on on TV and rips his casts off.

He says goodbye to his daughter who has no name. Seriously, even in the subtitles, she's "Girl." Oh, maybe, since Hobbs calls women "Woman," he really named his daughter "Girl"!

Dom and decide not to fight with guns.

Roman and Ludacris save Missandei. Letty picks them all up. We're down to only one car in this car movie.

Unnamed martial arts expert henchmen shows up to beat up Brian. Brian attaches a rope to him, kicks the wheel with the rest of the rope down an elevator shaft. Murder played for a laugh.

The Rock just drive an ambulance off a bridge onto a drone. The timing is ... fitting for this franchise.

Then he picks up the BFG and now we're watching Doom.

Crank just hit Dom with a wrench and then it disappeared from his hand. They punch some more.

I can't even keep up with how crazy things have become.

Dom found grenades, drove his car into a helicopter, hung the grenades from it, crashed, and The Rock show the grenades with his pistol from sniper rifle range and blew up Korath the Pursuer who maybe had three lines.

The one actor in the movie who has been nominated for an Oscar (twice!) gets blown up. For being too good for this movie. Unforgivable.

The Rock uses his super strength to dig Dom out of the debris. Dom is dead. Brian wants to do CPR. Letty stops him so shecantalk to Dom about her memories of their wedding. She DID wear a dress. He wore ... wait for it ... a wifebeater to his wedding!

It was a lovely service. She had a beautiful dress and a garland of flowers and he wore his underwear!

Her memory monologue brings him back from the dead.

She asks why he never told her they were married, and he says, "Because you can't tell someone they love you." And that's the best line in the series so far.

Followed by The Rock being corny. At this point they are leaning into The Rock being corny. I hope he starts making bad dad jokes in F9.

The ending is a goodbye to Paul Walker that's touching because it's about more than this silly movie.

But the in memoriam montage is too much. If someone didn't know the actor passed away, they would be like, "WTF?!"

Starting Fast and the Furious 8. How will it get crazier?

Oops. "Fate of the Furious." Pardon me.

Obligatory montage of hot women.

We meet Dom's cousin. Dom finds his cousin is losing his car to a guy, and he challenges him to a race. They make his car into a bomb.

They race.

The bad guy cheats.

Dom is back to calling people "Buster."

@_quackstal just made me pause it to watch @LindseyGrahamSC do an impression of Jabba the Hut on @FoxNews. Gross. Okay, back to the movie.

Dom's car is on fire now.

He goes in reverse so the flames won't be in his face. Makes sense.

He wins, nearly crashes into the crowd, then leaps from the car as it drives into the ocean. Then they bro out about respect. The bad guy who just tried to cheat and possibly kill him. Respect.

I think their sexual fetish for cars elevates to a kind of S&M when they blow up cars. Because this clearly turned Letty and Dom on. Sex scene.

Letty starts a conversation about Dom as a dad. Chekov's sperm.

Charlize Theron is in this one! I love her! She talks about fate. She's hiring him. She shows him a mysterious video and says he's going to betray his family and his code. Mysterious!

The Rock leads his girls' soccer team in the Haka. It scares the other team. It's badass and adorable. Great moment.

He's now totally focused on the wellbeing of his daughter, "Girl."

The government wants him to do some plausible deniability stuff to save us all from a "Level 4 WMD." He calls Dom. Dom looks at Letty's cross meaningfully.

The Rock makes a reference to proctology because Hobbs is gonna Hobbs.

Okay, the smiley face on the wrecking ball was great.

Dom betrays The Rock for Furiosa!

He drives his car into a moving plane to get away from the German police.

Letty frowns hard because Letty's gonna Letty.

The Rock has been arrested. Ego shows up with Dirty Harry Jr. Dirty Harry Jr. makes The Rock mad. It goes poorly for him. Then he goes into the prisonandthey all know he's a cop. And Crank is there. He calls The Rock a wanker. I like Crank.

Dom meets Tormund. He tells him to move. Tormund says, "Say it again." Dom says, "If I say it again, it will be to a corpse." He would tell a corpse to move. He's Jesus now?

Furiosa is a white woman with dreads, and that would normally bother me, but Charlize Theron is allowed to do whatever she wants.

The Rock tore the sleeves off his orange jumpsuit just to piss me off.

Then The Rock threatens to beat Crank's ass "like a Cherokee drum." Holy shit the racism in this series. They can't help themselves. Okay, back to the homophobia and misogyny.

Crank breaks everyone out of jail. The Rock starts beating up the cops so he can chase Crank.

And he stabs a prisoner in the chest and jokes about it. Murder is hilarious!

It was all Mr. Nobody's plan. Which got a whole lot of prisoners and prison guards killed. Nice.

Furiosa is named Cipher which is fewer letters so she'll be Furiosa now. And Ego says she's working with Groot but Dom is shorter than Groot so she has Dom.

They use God's Deus Ex Machina to find Dom, but God doesn't work until Tej and Missandei fix him proving @Ludacris and @missnemmanuel are better than God.

Cipher and Dom break in and ateal God's Eye. Dom is ... sad? Conflicted? He frowns like Letty. Cipher kisses him in front of Letty just to be mean.
I wish I was Groot.

Elena is being held hostage by Cipher. Oh, and Dom has a baby with Elena! His middle name is Marcos because Elena wants Dom to give him his first name. Don't ask The Rock! He'll tell you to name him "Boy."

Cipher gives Dom a loaded gun and lectures him on Choice Theory. It's weird, but she comes across as very creepy and he's very angry. He hangs Letty's cross by Elena's prison cell. So much powerful symbolism!

Ego fixed the plate glass windows in his office so they could get smashed dramatically again if need be. They talk about why tgey need to go to New York but it doesn't make any sense to me.

They go to the CIA garage called The Toy Shop because this universe is designed by children.

Dom finds Crank's mom. Dame Helen Miren. He slides a mysterious device across the table.

So now we're supposed to think Crank is a good guy who just got burned by the British government. But we saw him slaughtering people in a hospital. In a hospital!

Cipher's people take control of a thousand cars with computers. It's a neat effect, but I hope this doesn't scare people out of getting cars that are much safer.

Motorcycle cop hits their zombie car army, and the mannequin's neck broke visibly. So many civilian casualties just casually murdered in these movies! Dislike.

The rain of cars from the parking garages does look very cool, though.

Dom shows up in a suit of armor with a shield and a saw to cut into the car and we have gone full Marvel villain.

Dirty Harry Jr. screws up. Dom escapes. They are chasing him now.

Letty catches up first. They share a meaningful glance.

Everyone harpoons Dom's car. He breaks all their cars. Crank chases him. He shoots Crank. Letty takes the case. He chases her and shoots into the air. She says he won't shoot her. Tormund shows up puts a gun to Letty's head. Dom puts a Gun to Tormund's head. They take the case.

Crank died. But he's in Hobbs and Shaw, so I'm skeptical of his death.

Cipher has Tormund kill Elena to teach Dom a lesson.

They figure out it's all connected. Cipher has been behind it all.

She gives Dom a lecture about how the concept of family is a vestigial biological lie. She's the anti-Dom.

Dirty Harry Jr. figures out that all bets are off and there are no rules and he is channeling the conversation in the writers' room. We are in full crazytown now.

So Dom is attacking a former Russian naval base by himself with a car. He uses the EMP. He drives in through a hail of bullets, sets off the EMP again underneath a submarine, and takes over a nuclear sub. Why the EMP made carjacking the submarine possible is ... oh, who cares?

So the family breaks into the base to carjack the sub that Cipher has carjacked. Cipher and Missandei have a battle of who can type the fastest. Luckily the guards break in so there can be lots of punching.

The Rock just broke a guy's back, and it audibly crunched. Dislike.

They steal the chip from the sub but the sub is escaping. Why didn't they sabotage the sub? I mean, I kmow why, but I don't kmow why they didn't write a horseshit explanation into the movie.

Tej on the door? Good scene.

The Crank brothers are on the scene.

Helen Miren calling The God's Eye "The Devil's Bunghole" was great.

Dom kills Tormund in a gross way. Then he has to tell Cipher that he's coming for her. Why do the heroes always warn the villains? They're as dumb as the villains who warn the heroes!

Before I forget, the montage about how Dom and Crank-Mom got the Crank Brothers back together was short and nicely done.

Dom just made one of the bad guys accidentally blow up all the other bad guys chasing the good guys. So he's forgiven. He and Letty share a meaningful look.

The Rock just steered a torpedo that was sliding on the ice. This is Rambo the cartoon level shit.

The shots of the cars from beneath the ice are very cool. No pun intended. Genuinely neat shots.

Letty uses Nos powers to escape sinking into the ice.

Dom baits Cipher into firing a heat seeking missile at him, then makes fire come out of his car to attract it, then runs the missle into the sub, t rolls out of his car. I don't know why he's safer outside of the car.

Cipher jumps out of the plane. Crank saves Baby Dom.

Dom is fine. He can absorb bullets, remember? Of course he can survive the explosion of a submarine. Cake.

Missandei calls out Ludacris and Roman for objectifying her. I feel called out, too.

Dom is wearing a denim shirt with the sleeves ripped off. Just to spite me.

He talks to Elena in heaven. Then he introduces Baby Dom to Letty. Then he talks to everyone about family. Then he dubs the baby Brian. Then he says grace. "Thanks for family, Jesus. About all the many, many murders; sorry not sorry. Amen." The theology is ... very American.

We've made it up to Rock and Crank: The Movie. It's testosterone without family. Let's see how this goes.

Cool night shots of London to the sound of "Time in a Bottle" by @yungblud. Good song!

Stringer Bell shows up. They ask him who he is. He says, "Bad guy." I love him.

@_quackstal says I should be calling Idris Elba "Heimdall" because we have Ego and Groot. Point taken. Heimdall it is.

Heimdall has cool tech.

Funny side-by-side of The Rock and Crank's morning routines. @_quackstal is particularly upset by The Rock eating eggshells and coffee grounds.

Both of them walk into places where there are inordinate numbers of scantily clad women and beat up the men in the back of the establishments.

The Rock uses a tattoo gun to torture information out of a guy. Crank hangs a guy by the neck out a window to get information. These are clearly the good guys.

The Rock has a moment with his daughter, Girl, clearly played by a different actress than Girl in the last one.

Crank's mom is in jail. There's no explanation of why she's there. But she lets us know she's there by choice. Criminals are cool.

She wants Crank to get his sister. The Rock has a brother named Jonah. Chekhov's siblings.

@_quackstal noticed Helen Mirren has full make-up and jewelry in prison.

Also, Crank and his sister used to like blowing things up. They called it "The Keith Moon." So that will happen.

Ryan Reynolds is in this! Locke! And he's already the best part.

Locke explains the the point is that you shouldn't be able to stab someone in the chest with a brick because it has no point and the whole movie has just been summarized beautifully!

I previously told @_quackstal that they missed an opportunity when they named Crank "Shaw" because "Locke and Hobbs" would have appealed to a very small number of philosophy majors.

Crank and The Rock spend a while making fun of each other. It's a fun scene.

Crank's sister changes her appearance. The Rock finds her immediately. They fight. Meanwhile Crank is fighting with guys in her apartment. They use different lighting to let us know when we're hopping back and forth. It's a bit much.

Crank's sister is cool. She sees right through The Rock.

The Rock facetimes with Girl while Crank's sister is breaking out.

Cool shot when the window was blown out when the bad guys attacked.

They grab Crank's sister (who is named Hat). The Rock jumps down the building, mostly free falling from bad guy to bad guy, while Crank uses the elevator.

Heimdall beats up The Rock. Then he catches a falling truck (trucks do that a lot in this universe) buying Crank and Hat and Rock time to get in a car. Chase scene!

Heimdall can drive his motorcycle on walls.

Heimdall does this thing where he drives under two trucks going in opposite directions. It was cool.

Crank spins his car around to make it a ramp that shoots Heimdall through a bus. Probably kills some tourists, but no one likes tourists, so

Heimdall is showing some frustration with the The Wizard of Oz who orders him around. Maybe he'll become a good guy later. That happens as often as trucks fly in this universe.

They find a genius virologist who says they need to burn Hat to ash to stop a global pandemic or freeze her in some some impossible-to-get-into facility. So they will do that.

The Mike Oxmaul bit is funny.

Hat and Crank have a brother-sister moment. Mike Oxmaul catches up with them on the plane.

Air Marshal Dinkley shows up. He's funny.

Heimdall threatens the virologist with a flame thrower. So maybe an unredeemable bad guy? Not necessarily in this series.

Crank introduces The Rock and The Hat to Margarita, the supermodel thief who can get them supplies. Basically M but hot.

The Rock impresses The Hat with a Bruce Lee quote. Nice callback.

They turn over The Hat as a way to break into the bad guy base.

But they still have to jump out of a plane and parachute into a nuclear silo. So why couldn't she come with them? Maybe we'll see.

Crank fights a dozen martial arts guys. The Rock fights a big monster. Then they both get captured by Heimdall.

The Hat saves herself. Then the geeky scientist offers to help.

Heimdall tortures Crank and The Rock while monologuing about how he's committing "Genocide Shmenocide" to save the world from itself.

The Hat breaks them out. They get the machine they need to save The Hat. It's already in a truck for them.

The Rock and The Hat share a moment after she jumps from one moving vehicle into another and ends up in his lap.

Then they try to punch it out with Heimdall on the back of the truck. He kicks both their asses. They drop a building on him. He's fine.

The Hat wants them to burn her up to prevent a global pandemic. Crank isn't giving up. The Rock has an idea.

They go to Samoa which is the last place The Rock wants to go.

The Samoan reunion is lovely.

Momma got rid of all the guns and replaced them with the traditional Samoan weapons. Seems bad, but if they can shut the chips in the bad guys' triggers down, they will be equally un-gunned.

Very much a Wild West plot. The village fights off the invading outlaws. I like it!

The Rock and The Hat enjoy the last sunset they may see.

@_quackstal fell asleep. And this is the only one she hasn't seen, so we'll come back to it tomorrow. I want her to get to see it. She's more important to me than any of this. Sorry tweeps.

And we're back!

The Hat has regrets. So does The Rock. Moment of insight for both. They decide to fix the mistakes they've made. They kiss. But a good joke about that.

Jonah, Rock-Brother, saves The Hat from the virus. The Rock reconciles with his brother. I learned the word "brother" in Samoan. "Uso." Good word. Also learned I've been mispronouncing Samoa. Sámoa. Who said these weren't educational?

They do the Haka. It's badass as always. Then they trap the bad guys in a ring of fire, disable their guns, and go Islander on their asses.

The bad guys land a helicopter (instead of using it to attack from above?) and capture The Hat. Crank and The Rock go after her, but The Rock pauses to put a shirt on because there isn't a stuntman in the world who looks like The Rock without a shirt on.

The Rock hooks a flying helicopter like it's no big deal. Then they connect a bunch more cars that connect to each other impossibly.

Nos magic makes one car pull all the cars and a helicopter! Then they magically unhooked. And the helicopter decided not to fly away with the one truck even though we established it could because ... ?

Chain comes loose. We get The Rock holding the helicopter by a chain. Then they all fall down a huge cliff. Everyone is fine.

It starts raining dramatically. Lights of lightning but not much thunder. Cool looking.

Heimdall kicks The Rock and Cranks' asses again because he's a supersoldier. They don't learn and keep coming back for more punches.

Crank and The Rock learn to fight together. Teamwork. Lots of slow-mo punches in the rain.

The Hat takes out the pilot who was guarding her.

The Rock breaks Heimdall's robot spine. They can kill him, but they let him live with a strong talking-to about family and heart. But then the evil corporation kills him anyway.

We don't find out who The Wizard of Oz is. Maybe in F9?

Montage during credits. The Hat meets with Mom Miren in jail. They give her a cake so she can break out of jail. The Rock takes Girl to meet Grandma in Samoa. Welcomed by his uso.

Last scene with Ryan Reynolds and The Rock is great because Ryan Reynolds is always great.

Okay, off to see F9. I'll live-tweet during the movie. There will be spoilers.

Okay, I'm in a theater (feels weird but I love it. I ❤ @IndyCinema. We're back, Baby!), and I'm going to live-tweet F9. So, spoilers! Do not continue reading if you don't want to know what happens in F9!

So much butter and cheese on the popcorn. This is one of the benefits of being a teacher in a small town; former students hook me up with extra butter and cheese powder. Love my kids!

"Toretto" is on a formal race track in a stock car ... in 1989. It's Daddy Dom! And we see high-school Dom. Dad gives him advice."Not about being the stronger man, Dom. It's about being the bigger one." Morality and penis size are inextricably linked in this universe.

Dead Daddy Dom. Violins tell us this explosion is sad rather than fun.

Smash cut to modern Dom who is now Daddy Dom to a super-cute curly headed kid.

They live on a farm. We know because they are fixing a tractor.

People come to visit, so they all grab guns. But it's Roman. Baby Brian hid in a box.

Dom should have hid because he's wearing a shirt with the sleeves ripped off and that's embarrassing.

Ego caught Cipher but she got free so they need to rescue Ego. Roman tried to get Dom to help. Dom says, "Things change."

Dom and Baby Brian have a theological discussion. It's as deep as anything in this universe. So, not.

Letty is going off on a motorcycle without Dom.

Dom watches the video of Ego asking for help. Realizes something. Goes to the plane.

Cipher no longer has her cultural appropriation dreads. Missandei has great braids. Letty's hair is short. Ludacris' hair is longer. So time has passed. They all look better. Except Dom and Roman who are ageless.

Missandei hacks a crashed plane and finds a magical MacGuffin device.

Local military shows up. They can't shoot anyone with machine guns from close range. Stormtroopers have better aim than these guys.

Penis size jokes.

They have to drive through a mine field really fast to move faster than the explosions they set off. John Cena watches through binoculars from a cliff. He has Dom's cross necklace so they match. Besties!

Roman's truck gets blown up a bunch of times and ends of right above a mine. It's tense. And he's almost expendable enough to imagine him dying this way. Instead it's a Looney Toons gag. I'll allow it.

Letty saves herself by hitting the brakes. I'm not sure that's ever been tried in this series before.

She goes flying. Dom catches her with his car. John Cena takes "the device." They chase him. Letty says his name is Jacob.

They do one of those driving-on-a-broken-bridge things. Looks neat. Physics is for losers.

A neato drone picks up John Cena's car.

Dom makes his car grab a rope and swing over a cliff. Letty is so impressed she only half-frowns.

The government agent Brian kept punching shows up. His nose is all kinds of messed up. Nice callback.

"You gotta a brother? Who also happens to be a super spy?"
"A Toretto."
Flashback of the high-school Dom and high-school John Cena after their dad's death. Just so we know he existed back then. History re-written!

So Dom killed the guy who killed his dad and John Cena went some other direction and is now a big deal bad guy. Flash to the present. He's captured Cipher. She gets in his head.

They're after "a weapon so dangerous it shouldn't exist for a half a century."

She hints that John Cena and Dom might not be as closely related as he thinks. She makes fun of him for not being as cool as Dom. Compares him to Ghengis Khan's younger brother. I like her.

Dom tries to say he should do this alone. The family says they should continue working together.

Roman talks about how it's crazy that they aren't dead. Roman and Tej posit that maybe they are invincible. Nice moment of self-awareness for this movie. I like it!.

Mia shows up. Letty called her. She left the kids with Brian.

"The device" is Project Ares that can control any computer. It divides in two halves because that's how computers be. The bad guys have half.

Han Solo is involved.

Flashback. High-school dom gets out of jail and goes to a street race where he races his high-school John Cena. John Cena killed their dad. On purpose? Dom thinks so.

The woman who starts the race is wearing clothes!

Dom beats John Cena and exiles him forever.

Back to present. Dom finds the mechanic who took in John Cena. It's Yondu. Yondu tells Groot where to find John Cena. Off to London.

Letty and Mia are in Tokyo. Mia confesses that she wanted to find John Cena. Letty confesses that she misses the chaos. But she was also upset by Baby Brian hiding in a box. Good, because that was F-ed.

They find a Mexican flag in a window and it means something to them.

Tej and Roman find Sean from Tokyo drift. He's building rocket cars in Cologne. It's remote controlled. They race a plane. They lose but are happy that the car doesn't blow up. Then it blows up. Good bit.

We go to a truly fancy party. Not "Race Wars" bit with the models painted gold, but truly classy. Dom finds Helen Mirren there. She steals some jewels and Dom leaves with her. The police chase them. We find out she's an amazing driver. They have a conversation like it's NBD.

Turns out she worked for John Cena.

She takes Dom to a mansion where there's another fancy party. Be meets Otto, John Cena's brother. Turbo-douche. Also pretty irrelevant. Goes inside to talk to John Cena.

John Cena says Dom can be exiled just like he was. Dom is arrested for attempting murder in an embassy. Because Otto's residence is an embassy because he lives there. By the way, that's not how anything works.

Dom is rescued by Cardi B. That's not a WAP joke. It's really Cardi B.

A bunch of martial arts bad guys attack Mia, Letty, and Maybe-Han-Solo's Sister in Tokyo. I like that the attackers aren't all Asian, even in Tokyo. Growth!

Ham Solo isn't dead!

In Edinburgh, Otto and John Cena are ... doing something.

Tej and Roman and Missandei are there trying to figure it out while John Cena takes the other half of the computer. Roman identifies the bad guys by their cauliflower ears. They get captured, though.

Dom arrives just in time to see John Cena ziplining across the sky. Missandei follows Otto. But she can't drive so ... hijinks ensue.

My son, @Wrightword246, will love the ziplinning through Edinburgh. It's straight out of Titanfall 2 or Apex.

Jokes with a huge electromagnet in the truck Missandei is driving. I have been told magnets are miracles.

Dom and John Cena fight. John Cena escapes. Missandei captures him by sucking his car into their truck with the magnet. It's pretty cool.

Cipher makes fun of Otto by saying this he's in a movie but isn't playing the part he thinks he is. At any minute she's going to break the fourth wall and I am here for it!

Han Solo comes in (snacking, which is a nice touch). Dom looks like he's going to cry. They have a big hug. It's a nice moment.

Flashback to Wonder Woman. Turns out Ego worked with Wonder Woman. Ego offered Han Solo a job. He stole the two halves of the computer. And got the daughter of the computer scientists who built Project Ares. Because she's the key to making the computer work.

Mr. Nobody kept Han Solo dead until now.

John Cena and Otto break in to take the young woman (was her name ever mentioned?).

John Cena reveals that their dad was trying to throw the race when he died.

Magnet fun saves the day!

Dom fights off like thirty guys, sacrifices himself, falls down a deathstar-deep shaft into some water in the center of the Earth, has a flashback, and comes back as Gandalf.

Well, Letty rescues him after his big insight. Same diff.

They need to get a satellite back when it's in orbit and also get Elle back. Guess that was The Key's name.

When Elle holds the two halves of the Grepfruit of Destiny in her hands, they glow green because of her magic DNA, and then she connects them and that's not as crazy as ...

... Tej and Roman in a ducttaped car with rockets strapped to it so they can get to space. If there isn't a Sharknado in space at this point, I will be disappointed.

Roman is steering a spaceship with a car's steering wheel. Ludacris is thinking his own name is an understatement.

More fun with magnets. Also lots more civilian casualties but who cares, right?

Han Solo saves Elle because the bad guy was wearing a parachute on the ground for ... some reason?

Otto double crosses John Cena and sides with Cipher. John Cena calls him a spoiled rich prick. Otto says spoiled rich pricks rule the world.

They throw a whole city worth of other people's cars at Otto's truck. It doesn't work but causes a crisis in the insurance industry.

Oh, then they kill half the police force in the city and destroy the electrical grid. No luck.

So they flip the truck end-over-end and Dom saves John Cena. We are Groot.

Roman convinces Tej to use Nos magic in space! They ram the evil satellite and save the world.

Dom flips the truck, rolls it down a hill, and takes control of it. He drives it into the plane Cipher is flying. But it's a drone so she's fine. Dom jumps out of the truck so he's fine. The brothers reunite so they're fine.

Dom offers John Cena a second chance. And gives him his Impala.

Roman and Tej are rescued by the International Space Station.

Dom takes Baby Brian to the race track and tells him he learned everything he knows there. And he's wearing a shirt with the sleeves ripped off, so he learned some dumb things!

They are rebuilding their blown-up house in L.A. Han Solo and Hick Chewie and reunited!

Do they think Cipher is dead? Why are they going back to their old address?

They are about to eat when Brian arrives. We don't see him. Obligatory memorial. Will seem really weird when someone watches this series who doesn't know about that.

We see Crank. He's beating an interrogation out of a guy for information he doesn't need (heroic) and Han Solo shows up and we're supposed to think this means something.

The end I guess.

@threadreaderapp unroll