Thread by @wordpaley

For the 15th of Av, the Jewish holiday of love, and to respond to controversy about how #MyUnorthodoxLife presents the Jewish approach towards sex, a thread of 15 times Judaism is sex-positive, and 15 times it's sex-negative.
Because it's 15 times more complicated than you think.

Note: I am not going to use anatomically correct language here, but that's not because I'm sex-negative (or that anyone who chooses not to is sex-negative). I just want to be sensitive to some of my followers and others who will see this who feel uncomfortable.

Another note: this thread is heteronormative because the Torah is almost entirely heteronormative and sex-negative about queer sexuality. Reply to this tweet with Torah about queer sex-positivity! (Do not reply to argue with me on the Torah's view of queer people; I will block.)

1. Gonna start with the obvious one because clearly some people want you to forget how to read: THE WHOLE SONG OF SONGS. Even if it is a parable for God and Israel's love, why would it be written in such explicitly erotic language if the Torah is sex-negative? Hint: cuz it's not.

2. The first time sex is referenced in the Torah is Genesis 4:1: "Adam knew (ידע) his wife Eve." Yup, the Torah uses a euphemism the first time it talks about sex. BUT. It is also the first time a human "knows." The idea here is that sex is the deepest way of knowing a person.

3. Genesis 26:8: patriarch Isaac plays with, or pleasures (מצחק) matriarch Rebecca. This is the only time in the Torah sexual pleasure appears. Later commentators try to write over this with Talmudic laws or their asceticism. But contextually, this is the most plausible meaning.

4. Genesis 30:14: Leah's son Reuben brings mandrake plants (דודאים), a long-revered aphrodisiac, to his mother. The word has the same root as a word for breasts, and it appears in Song of Songs. It's hard to imagine a young boy doing this unless his upbringing was sex-positive.

5. Genesis 38:14: Judah's daughter-in-law Tamar poses as a sex worker on a public thoroughfare to seduce him. The Talmud (Sotah 10b) praises Tamar's righteous modesty before this. And King David, and eventually the Messiah, emerges from their union. Sure sounds like God approved.

6. The character of Joseph. He's identified in Jewish mysticism as exemplifying sexual restraint, for which he earns the word "righteous." But he was no monk. He was focused on his appearance (Gen. 37:2), and his dad brags about how the ladies gawked at him (49:22). A holy hunk.

7. Ok, on to Talmud. TB Brachos 62a: The Sage Rav is gettin' pretty into foreplay with his wife. His student Rav Kahana, hiding under the bed, calls him out for it. "You act like you've never done this before." Rav kicks him out. But not before Rav Kahana calls what he saw Torah.

8. Yoma 74b. The Sage Reish Lakish: "The sight of a woman (before/during sex) is better than the act of sex." He derives this from a verse in Ecclesiastes. Obviously a man-centered perspective. But noteworthy that he connects this aspect of sexual pleasure with a Torah source.

9. Yevamos 63a: R. Elazar Midrashically expounds a verse about Adam (Gen 2:23) to teach that he mated with every animal for pleasure before having sex with Eve. The Torah is obviously not pro-bestiality, so he's most probably saying this to tell us that sex for pleasure is Good.

10. Kesubos 47b: Rava interprets a verse in Exodus about a husband's obligation to his wife as referring to a woman's right to regularly occurring sex. Elsewhere (Pesachim 72b), Rava says directly that a man must give his wife sexual pleasure even outside of these regular times.

11. Kesubos 48a: Rav Yosef says one must be naked for sex, and if a man insists otherwise it's a divorceable offense. This is to distinguish from the Zoroastrian practice of keeping clothes on. Yishai Kiel proposes that R. Yosef misunderstood this practice as relating to modesty.

The truth is that Zoroastrians had to wear certain ritual garments at all times to ward off supernatural forces. But nonetheless, R. Yosef seems to suggest that sex should maximize pleasure, and it's not something to be ashamed of, despite the fact that the Talmud loves modesty.

12. Nedarim 20b: the Rabbis say one can do whatever he wants with his wife, and compare a woman to a piece of meat. Gross, I know. Some people want to (apologetically, imo) read this as a cynical statement that really is disapproving of fantasy and kink. It's quite a stretch.

The rabbis' formulation is obvi problematic, and I'm not gonna try to defend it. But the meaning of the ruling is clear: pleasure is important, and the Torah respects personal preference. Later rabbis say no, but Rambam+Rema hold like the Talmud. Read the book Halakhic Positions.

13. Midrash time! Genesis Rabbah 34:8: Noah and his family were not allowed to have sex on the Ark because of the suffering of the people and animals killed by the Flood. Strong implication that the act of sex is inherently joyful and not just a means of procreation.

14. Midrash Tanchuma Pekudei 9: In Egypt, Jewish women used copper mirrors to seduce their husbands after a long day of work and have sex OUT IN THE OPEN. And guess what? God wanted these mirrors to use them to make the ALTAR in the TABERNACLE. So that was a thing that happened.

15. To top off for Tu B'Av: Every 15th of Av, the young women of Jerusalem would dance in the vineyards in white dresses (Taanis 30b). The Talmud says men would go to find a wife. Again, not an ideal gender dynamic here. But hard to imagine these dances were not somewhat erotic.

Alright, strap in for the sex-negativity (or skip it if that feels right!). They're not all negative per se. But they definitely challenge the notion that sex can be the loftiest human experience. I want you to notice something about the sources--we'll get back to that later.

1. Leviticus 15:18: In ancient times, sex caused ritual impurity, which meant couldn't touch anything holy or enter the Temple until you immersed in the mikvah. This is also why the Jews had to refrain from sex before receiving the Torah at Mt. Sinai. Sex is sacred, but not holy.

2. Numbers 12:1-2: Moses' sister Miriam complains that Moses separated from his wife Tziporah, for which she is punished with leprosy. Apparently, once he reached a certain level of holiness and closeness to God, sex was beneath him. And God seems to approve of his decision.

3. Numbers 25:6-15: Moses' great nephew Pinchas kills tribal leader Zimri and Midianite princess Cozbi as they have sex, and God rewards him. This is more about the fact that Cozbi is Midianite, but the Torah feels the need to tell us that he speared them through their genitals.

4. Deuteronomy 21:10-14: The Torah allows a man to marry a woman captured in war, but only after she shaves all her hair and grows her nails. This too is more about fraternizing with the enemy, and has strong misogynistic undertones. But the effect is a demonization of desire.

5. Talmud time. Brachos 10a: The Gemara asks why God placed women's breasts near their heart. Rav Masna: so babies don't have to nurse from "the place of filth" (female genitalia). The Talmud never uses any similar term for male genitalia. Yeeeeeeah ok.

6. TB Brachos 22a, TY 3:4: Ezra instituted mikvah immersion for men after sex so "Torah scholars won't be with their wives like chickens." There's a positive way to read this: if Torah scholars didn't have to learn Torah, they would have a lot of sex. But practically negative.

7. Eruvin 100b: In commenting on the curses of Eve, the Talmud says that one of the curses is that women do not verbally demand sex. But then the Talmud goes on to say that not verbally demanding sex is a good trait. Oh, the irony. Good summary of rabbis' attitude towards women.

8. Also Eruvin 100b: another curse is that a woman is the "man's pillow" during sex. Another Sage thinks that's a blessing. Either way, it seems like both agree that women belong on the bottom, which obviously restricts their movement and capacity for pleasure.

9. Nedarim 20b: The flipside of the Sages' carte blanche for sexual positions is the opinion of R. Yochanan ben Dahavai, who says women give birth to children with disabilities because their husbands do not use the missionary position or kiss/stare at their genitals. OK rabbi.

10. Niddah 13b: The Talmud has several fire-and-brimstone statements against masturbation, arousal, and sexual fantasy, including an attempt to derive a prohibition from the 10 Commandments. There's no indication here that any of those are permitted in the context of marital sex.

11. Midrash: Tanchuma Lech Lecha 5: Abraham strangely says, at age 75, to his wife Sarah, "I realize you are a beautiful woman." The Midrash goes out of its way to say this is because he didn't realize beforehand because they were so modest. Really, Midrash Tanchuma?

12. The Hasidei Ashkenaz, mystical ascetics in Germany in the 12th & 13th centuries, largely abstained from sex and invented self-flagellating rituals to atone for it such as rolling in the snow. They were known to call anyone who didn't subscribe to their beliefs "wicked ones."

13. R. Yaakov Emden, famous anti-Sabbatean, accuses Sabbatean women of promiscuity because of the sexual impropriety of Sabbatean men. This led to the erasure of the phenomenon of female prophecy that was happening in the Land of Israel c. 1600. More🔽:

https://twitter.com/wordpaley/status/1359643028126912522?s=20

14. Late 1800s: The Hasidic Rebbes of Gur, Slonim, and to a lesser extent, Toldos Aharon, institute austere restrictions on sex between husband and wife. This is the likely origin of the urban legend of the "hole in the sheet", which is largely not true but has some truth to it.

Prof. Benny Brown of Hebrew U has a great academic article on this; DM for pdf. Here's a summary of its reception and social impact in Hasidic communities in Israel. I wouldn't be surprised if it's become more common among Chasidic-adjacent groups as well.
tabletmag.com/sections/arts-…

15. Jewish sexual education is still sorely lacking, yes even in Modern Orthodoxy. My marriage teacher, a popular teacher @YUNews, taught me nothing and expected me to figure it out. Same goes for almost everyone I know. Progress is being made, but veeeeery slowly

@YUNews For good measure: another shameless plug for this thread, which explains what happens when you don't teach kids anything about their bodies until they get married: women are sexualized from head to toe and told they're objects of sin before they're people.

https://twitter.com/wordpaley/status/1416085998602227717?s=20

So, what did you notice about the sex-negative sources vs. the sex-positive ones? Yes, they're largely later chronologically. This tells me that sex-negativity is not native to Judaism as it was originally taught and practiced. But that doesn't mean Judaism is fully sex-positive.

Still, there are a LOT more sex-positive sources I didn't mention, and few sex-negative. The story of Ruth lying down at sleeping Boaz's feet and uncovering his legs. Verses in Proverbs comparing Torah to the female body. Kabbalistic intentions for sexual pleasure. To name a few.

My take? I think Judaism is inherently sex-positive, but it limits its positivity to maintain fidelity to other values. But what the Torah and the Sages framed as protective limits, later rabbis interpreted as sex negativity. In my opinion, they missed the point.

Sex as originally intended by God is an inherently sacred act. Problems only arose when humans misunderstood its purpose. Which forced God to limit it, and led the rabbis to limit it more. Not all of the rabbis knew how to do that without negating the beauty and sanctity of sex.

And what about #MyUnorthodoxLife? I have other problems with the show, but Julia is not wrong about the barely-there sex ed in Orthodoxy and the insidious sex negativity in our culture and media. So don't believe the sunshine-and-rainbows responses pretending everything is OK.

We still have a long way to go. Yes, there are amazing people working on this (including my awesome friend and chavrusa @tzvei_dinim!). But don't try to silence people who speak out against sex-negativity. That only hurts ourselves and our own kids and families.

Happy Tu B'Av!