It's my belief that one's relationship is a reflection of their state of mind: discernment, virtues, and/or ambitions. People pick what they subconsciously relate to even if they won't openly acknowledge it. There is no problem with marriage, the problem is individual.
We are a generation of selfish, insecure & demanding overlords. Who are just as boring as we are loud. And it is always someone's fault, never ours. Instead of healing & adjusting, we turn pain into campaign. We conjure childish rules to mechanically regulate social relationships
I mean, relationships are so simple when you know what you are, & what you want. If I made the other sex my sole focus in life, there is no way in hell I was ever going to make a good partner. I am an individual first, before I am a boyfriend. Loving needs no rules, just giving.
How I treat you is how I treat me. I push myself to do miles on the road, I will do the miles for our relationship. I am cool & calm when you are upset, that's how I talk to myself. I made you breakfast, that's how I look after myself. I was at peace long before I met you.
I like peace. I like laughter. I do not like to hate. It is bad for my health. I am by no means perfect, but I am sensible enough to know when I am wrong. I try to correct that as soon as possible. Every time, I pick you, I pick me. You are but my extension.
Just find your person and give it the best you have. Leave the world at the doorstep, walk in your spousal truth. We have our contexts just as you have yours. Pick what enhances your contexts, leave the rest where your found them. Our scars should not be your compass.
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It's the knowledge that I could be alone if I wanted. But I picked my person, because of a value/connection I could not find with someone else (or alone). And that sustaining that value demands responsibility on my part. That I made the decision to be with her. It's not a prison.
I have a grounded identity outside of relationships. I enjoy cooking just as much as I enjoy playing football. Therefore, I do not assess women's appeal from a needs perspective. If I invite one into my life it's because I really really like them. No mistakes.
3rd:
I do not come from a materially privileged background. It's a miracle I made It out of my village. So I decided a long time ago to do my best to change that reality for me & my people. So I have no energy or time for side shows. I can't afford it.
I recently had to let a woman I thought I'd marry go. We had everything going for us: Both loved reading, nature, teetotalers, & fitness enthusiasts but, I got tired of not being trusted. Always being accused of things I didn't do, trying to mend insecurities I didn't cause.
This is the woman I've been most honest with in life: Anyone who knows me knows how secretive I get. A woman I talked to daily for not less than an hour despite the distance & never suffered boredom for it. But I was a villain from the get-go: Men cheat & lie, so I did. Or would.
& You know, I have been around as a man. So I used to tell her, "Look, this doesn't happen; we don't happen. This connection we have... it is not an everyday thing" Out there people struggle to finish conversations after 2 weeks of knowing each other. We'd done it for years.
Polygamy is so misrepresented in modern African literature. It was not simply a 'patriarchal' imposition because men were irredeemably horny & greedy. In drought-prone areas, it was a resilience mechanism. More hands were also needed for subsistence farming.
You also have to understand standardized, modern medicine was absent; more kids meant better continuity potential. You needed as many children as you could to guarantee that at least 2 or 3 will make it to adulthood & survive the clan.
It is not a sanitization of the system. I do not think polygamy is either wrong or right. It arose from the prevailing exigencies of its time. We have since gravitated towards monogamy, which I suspect in about 100 years will be considered to have been quite lame.
Some time back, I was seeing someone who is in - relatively - the upper echelon of public service. She had an interview for a new job. We are driving - a few days to the interview - & she receives a call.
She picks it up & it's a group call by her friends & her supervisor, coaching her for the interview. They were also to meet later for a mock interview session. A few minutes later, 2 dudes called. They were also offering her critical tips on how to ace the interview.
I admit, I was more than a little jealous. Until then I was one of the primary purveyors of the "women hate each other" sentiment. The friends also doubled as chama mates. Where they invested in some properties. I looked at myself, reviewed my life, & it occurred to me:
The reason I say men are their own problems is this:
1. Men mock men for getting cheated on. 2. Men mock men for getting abused by their wives. 3. Men won't develop other critical values - or front anything but money to women & then claim women only love them for their money.
4. Men will get money & defile their marriages. Then lose the money & get left; then claim they were only loved for their money.
5. Men start a business, & center sexual favors as the primary employment criteria, at the expense of qualified males. The victims will fault women.
6. Men do not wish to protest against any disproportionate systemic imposition/injustice but will fault women for protesting. In fact, the only time men rally together lately is for a drink & women. When it's time to protest, everyone for themselves.
Not a thought process; more of an epiphany. Something unexpected they do that leaves you gaping. They decide it for you. I'll tell a little story of my experience:
Me & A came from the same village. We'd been dating about 3 years. She worked & schooled in the coast...
February arrives, she has a break, she comes over to Kitui. We decide to travel home together to see our people. Her home was less than 2 kilometers from mine, so we'd meet on the railway line in the evening.
Valentines comes, I had some money to spare.
It wasn't much, as I'd also just started working but I wanted to get her something.
We met up on Valentines, I'd not been able to run to the city because of commitments at home, but I assured her I had a present in mind, & I'd get it for her the next day when I went to town...