It's the knowledge that I could be alone if I wanted. But I picked my person, because of a value/connection I could not find with someone else (or alone). And that sustaining that value demands responsibility on my part. That I made the decision to be with her. It's not a prison.

https://twitter.com/prett_Nanie/status/1784585422212829253

2ndly:

I have a grounded identity outside of relationships. I enjoy cooking just as much as I enjoy playing football. Therefore, I do not assess women's appeal from a needs perspective. If I invite one into my life it's because I really really like them. No mistakes.

I recently had to let a woman I thought I'd marry go. We had everything going for us: Both loved reading, nature, teetotalers, & fitness enthusiasts but, I got tired of not being trusted. Always being accused of things I didn't do, trying to mend insecurities I didn't cause. This is the woman I've been most honest with in life: Anyone who knows me knows how secretive I get. A woman I talked to daily for not less than an hour despite the distance & never suffered boredom for it. But I was a villain from the get-go: Men cheat & lie, so I did. Or would.

Polygamy is so misrepresented in modern African literature. It was not simply a 'patriarchal' imposition because men were irredeemably horny & greedy. In drought-prone areas, it was a resilience mechanism. More hands were also needed for subsistence farming. You also have to understand standardized, modern medicine was absent; more kids meant better continuity potential. You needed as many children as you could to guarantee that at least 2 or 3 will make it to adulthood & survive the clan.

Let me give you an experience I had for context:

Some time back, I was seeing someone who is in - relatively - the upper echelon of public service. She had an interview for a new job. We are driving - a few days to the interview - & she receives a call.

https://twitter.com/XivTroy/status/1756344485946994963

She picks it up & it's a group call by her friends & her supervisor, coaching her for the interview. They were also to meet later for a mock interview session. A few minutes later, 2 dudes called. They were also offering her critical tips on how to ace the interview.

The reason I say men are their own problems is this:

1. Men mock men for getting cheated on.
2. Men mock men for getting abused by their wives.
3. Men won't develop other critical values - or front anything but money to women & then claim women only love them for their money. 4. Men will get money & defile their marriages. Then lose the money & get left; then claim they were only loved for their money.

5. Men start a business, & center sexual favors as the primary employment criteria, at the expense of qualified males. The victims will fault women.

Not a thought process; more of an epiphany. Something unexpected they do that leaves you gaping. They decide it for you. I'll tell a little story of my experience:

Me & A came from the same village. We'd been dating about 3 years. She worked & schooled in the coast...

https://twitter.com/ItsMiller_G/status/1754200593181127128

... I was in Ukambani.

February arrives, she has a break, she comes over to Kitui. We decide to travel home together to see our people. Her home was less than 2 kilometers from mine, so we'd meet on the railway line in the evening.

Valentines comes, I had some money to spare.

We're in a period of unprecedented deceit & opportunism. If you find someone to love you; who is patient & kind with you; is honest & seeks after your welfare: please do not be difficult. Do not let your ego get in the way of a good thing. A good thing has never been more elusive I know you think there is more out here. I know you think you are doing them a favor, & that they are going nowhere anyway. I know because I have been you. Several times. Unfortunately, for you, the good ones, too, eventually tire & leave.

How I overcame/overcome sadness:

1. Be giving

When you're sad, life is asking you a question: & I have increasingly found that the best response is in giving. Buy that homeless guy a meal. It does something to your subconscious to know that someone slept better coz you lived. 2. Be kind

It's not very popular right now but I guarantee, it's good for your psyche. Be the reason someone smiled. Either by a compliment or gesture. It doesn't have to be loud, just start with something as simple as a greeting. Kindness does not expect, it just is. Be it.

The problem with dating people raised in wealth, especially foreigners, is that they are looking for an adrenaline rush when you're literally trying to get away from it completely because the source of her adrenaline rush/dopamine has been your unfortunate reality forever. You are seated there thinking, "Finally, a woman I get to build something with. We'll sit down, plan for our future." but all she is fantasizing about is wrecking shit. She doesn't understand why you are so obsessed with building things: "Don't be boring."

The Hamas PR on Twitter is unparalleled: Israel was supposed to sit back & watch its people get annihilated because anything else risked offending the world? I am not for violence, but if violence is good for Hamas, it is good for Israel. And what does proportionality even mean in the conflict? Hamas shells Israel, Israel has the amenities to repel. Israel retaliates & Hamas hides behind the citizens it claims to be protecting, who become casualties: but Israel is the bad one because fewer of its people died?

Funniest hookup: that time I woke up at 2:00 am to find that the lady was not in bed. I ran to the living room thinking she'd robbed me only to find her curled on the sofa, crying. I asked why she crying in darkness. She said, she doesn't think I was taking her seriously.... I didn't understand but I tried to be calm. Coz you know, she looked unhinged. Didn't want her committing suicide in my house. So I asked her what she meant. She said, "you think everything I have told you today, I tell to every man?" Honestly, she'd told me about her dogs.

EVENINGS IN THE TRAFFIC JAM RAIN:

2012 - I'll get a job; good job. 60K starting salary. Nothing less. With my 1st class, it should be easy. We are in demand. But it's just for the capital. Once I get the capital, I'll go my way. Start my company. No rat races for me. 2015- Okay, 30K. I'll take it. 30K isn't so bad. There are no jobs. And it's just a starting salary, anyway. I'll grow in there. And the experience will come in handy. That's how John started. Look at him now. I'll buy a TV. Fridge. It's better than staying home.

If a man took on responsibility beyond his age in his formative years, he will be less likely to want to commit to serious relationships: because relationships manifest to him in the form of responsibility. He does not see the love; he sees only the responsibility. It reminds him of the impositions he suffered. And he is afraid he will suffer similar impositions in the future. He is hesitant and afraid, to lose both his childhood and adulthood. And the therapist will say it is because he is avoidant. The preacher will say he has a demon.

Hierarchy of Relationships in the city:

1. One Night Stand:

This is the lowest in the hierarchy. Being drunk is both a prerequisite and excuse. The sex is awful, involves exaggerated moaning to make up for absence of intimacy, & awkwardness the next day. Avoid. Use protection. 2. BFF:

Orbiters. He/she likes her/him, but is afraid of telling them because they may lose the privilege of proximity. So he/she does her/his bidding. Buy her things; wash his house. Because they think their goodness will finally lead her/,him to them. Go find something to do.

Back in 2020, I downloaded Tinder, where I matched with a certain Linda. Beautiful woman: Tall, pretty, and shapely. The fact that she didn't want me to call her over the phone should have been the 1st red flag but she told me, she wanted to take it a step at a time. She'd said she was an indoors person. Had only been out once in 4 years. But that she was goofy, spontaneous & real. She sent voice notes, she was always whispering. But she said it was coz her voice was raspy. And I wasn't going to let a whisper get in the way of love.

There is a silent pandemic. One that is yet to erupt because of the stigma around it. But very soon, will. You all know it. You all experience it. If not you, then vicariously, through a relative or friend. There is massive joblessness in Kenya. We are just concealing it well. Especially among individuals who graduated in the last 6 years: for every 10 individuals, only 2 are decently employed. The rest interned for a year and haven't been employed since. Many opted for non-scalable freelancing gigs and are since stuck in a rut with dwindling returns.

Life is a game of inches. Back in 2020, I went to a certain town on a work errand, which lasted a week. On the last day, I finished in the afternoon, got my ticket, & went to while away time in town, waiting for my 5:00 pm flight. While there, I passed by a cybercafe... ...I wanted to print a few items. The cyber was manned by a quiet lady (Naomi). I love women in loose maxi dresses & that's the 1st thing that struck me about her. She also had on a nice, grey waterfall sweater. She was beautiful. Graceful beauty. Like a stream, not an ocean.

So let me tell you how I lost my job after 4 months back in 2018. I had just been employed in an NGO & my boss was a White lady called Ms. Charlotte from Florida. It wasn't long before she took a liking to me. She'd tell my colleagues he wants them to "have initiative like T." One time she invited me to a restaurant for coffee after work. Said she liked my drive. I said "It's all Jesus, ma'am!" Asked where I got my muscles from, I said my papa. 3rd month, we were practically meeting daily.

Maybe I'm too old. Maybe, I have been a little too lucky. But I do not believe that the term "relationships are transactional" is limited to monetary exchange. It alludes to exchange of value. Women can love you because you are funny, or intelligent, or just because... But many men are victims of confirmation bias. They assign rejection to the thing that brings them the most insecurity even when it's not at fault: moneylessness. It helps them cope/avoid the pain that comes with outright rejection. Truth is, many of you have been loved gratis.

I remember courting a beautiful girl in campus. She wouldn't say much, if anything. After 2 weeks, I figured she wasn't interested so quit. After a week she came to my hostel quite upset livid at what she termed mixed signals. I said I was tired of carrying our conversations... ... which somehow incensed her further. So after an awkward, 5-minute, angry silence she blurted that my problem was that I spoke too much English. And too fast.

I have never shelved English so fast in my life. Never spoken so slow either. I was practically master Oogway.

The Economics of African Relationships:

1. Women marry comfort, men marry what challenges them. Thus, men look for women to make happy, women look for men that make them happy. Unfortunately, both are subject to the law of diminishing returns. Hence the thawing in marriage. 2. Your (African) woman's conception of love is an economic function unless she is wealthy or white. There are certainly secondary factors, but the primary is security. It's the heritage of struggle/survival. Majority of Africa is still at Level 1 of Maslow's hierarchy of needs.