In my years as a family therapist, 1 approach worked consistently to get angry and defiant little kids to be loving and obedient:

10-minute sessions EVERY DAY with each child where the parent just asked questions, paid attention, and showed them love.

Stopped so many behaviors.
Some played Go-Fish, some colored pictures, just just sat together. No screens. 10, literally timed on a countdown clock they could both see. Questions and questions with no advice or directions or scolding. Just interviewing with interest as if the parent cared about their child
10 minutes a day with each child turned things around even for families with older kids who were starting to use physical violence against adults to express their anger.

Being treated like they were loved changed their entire behavior pattern. Imagine that.
If you want your kids to listen to you, they have to feel loved and they need to know you’re interested in them. That gives them something to lose if they act badly. Kids naturally want to please their parents but many feel like it’s impossible so they go the opposite way.
Give your kids love and be interested in them and suddenly they’ve got something to lose if they act badly. You don’t have to ground them or scream at them or spank them. Defiant kids will use those punishments as fuel.

But your disappointment is way more powerful, if attached.
It all comes back to attachment. If your kids feel unworthy of your love and believe you don’t even like them, they won’t listen. They have a vested interest in forcing you to give them attention instead. And they’ll convince themselves they don’t need your love.
Give your kids clear love and focused attention. Develop their attachment to you. Natural processes will kick in and they will fear losing their connection to you. So they’ll fear displeasing you. That becomes enough.

Then you love them unconditionally, but attention is earned.
Attention becomes their currency. And if they can get that attention for good behavior, they’ll do it.

But you have to make yourself pay attention to good behavior.
You get out of your relationship with your kids what you invest in it. So invest smarter. Pay more attention.
Paying attention to your kids improves their mental health.

If you want to give them a healthy future:
✅Put your phone down
✅Make eye contact
✅Ask questions
✅And listen with interest

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More from @AdamLaneSmith

Jul 31
Do you remember when they couldn’t keep their hands off of you, but now you can’t remember the last time you shared a tender caress?

This is the most common story I hear from couples.
Here’s why it happens—and how to get the spark back. 🧵
Passion doesn’t just “fade with time.”
It’s starves.

The fuel for lifelong passion is a hormone called oxytocin—the bonding chemical that makes touch feel electric and intimacy feel irresistible.
Without it, you drift apart.
With it, you can’t keep your hands off each other.
So how do you refill your oxytocin tank?

I call it the Oxytocin Pipeline.
It’s a sequence that builds bonding step by step, bringing you from emotional distance back to desire.

Here’s how it works:
Read 9 tweets
Jul 22
This is fascinating data on loneliness and how American men and women are spending their time. And the differences are stark. Let’s dissect this data and what it means: 🧵 Image
First, notice women have nearly double the average number of hours per day with their children that men do. This should be no shock to anyone, but it is a harsh reminder that fathers are getting a lot less time with their kids (for a variety of reasons), so that time is precious.
We can discuss voluntary time with kids versus caretaking time and the labor impact there, but for secure attachment we WANT mothers to have a significantly high number of hours. Six hours on average is actually low for a healthy society if they want a healthy future population.
Read 15 tweets
Jun 23
He’s touch starved.
She feels emotionally abandoned.
He’s burning with unmet desire.
She’s drowning in invisible labor.

This is the fight happening on my timeline right now and in many marriages.
But it’s not a war.
It’s a cry for connection on both sides.

Let’s break it down🧵
Most men stop receiving physical affection after age 12—unless they get it from a romantic partner.

That means for many husbands, the only place they feel physical warmth, comfort, and touch is in bed.

When that touch vanishes, it’s not just about sex.
It’s about survival.
Men are biologically wired for regular sexual release—yes.
But more than that, oxytocin bonding happens through physical contact, cuddling, kissing, and intimacy.
When men go without it, their bodies flood with cortisol, not calm.
It’s fight-or-flight.
It’s chemical starvation.
Read 9 tweets
Jun 19
Your wife doesn’t want sex.
She doesn’t initiate it.
She doesn’t respond when you do.
And you’re stuck wondering what happened to the woman who used to want you.

Let’s talk about what’s really going on (and how to fix it). 🧵
It’s not about your body.
It’s not about her hormones.
It’s not even about her libido.

The real issue is this:
She doesn’t feel safe.
Not physically—emotionally.
And when a woman doesn’t feel emotionally safe, her body shuts down.
She’s not withholding sex to punish you.
She’s not trying to frustrate you.
She’s trying to survive.

If she feels unseen, unheard, emotionally alone, or constantly misunderstood…
Her body responds by pulling back.
It’s a nervous system shutdown, not a rejection.
Read 9 tweets
Jun 17
The wife feels lonely and sad, but the husband has no idea why. They love each other but don't like each other anymore.

This is by far the most common married couple who comes to me for help. And there's a specific reason this is happening.

Here's the reason:
There's a hidden relationship dynamic playing out in about 50% of adults:

Growing up in families that didn't teach the vital skills needed to maintain a functioning romance has led to generations of adults who can't maintain a marriage and make it thrive.

Here's why:
You learn skills by seeing someone else using them or by having someone transmit them to you through experience.

In other words, if your parents didn't have a thriving marriage or raise you to form intentional bonds, how will you know what to do?

You're missing skills like:
Read 11 tweets
Jun 3
You're not broken.
You’re not heartless.
You’re not incapable of love.
You’ve just trained your nervous system to survive, build, and win.

But now you’re winning ALONE.
Let’s talk about why. 🧵
If you’re a high-performing man, your success came by forging extreme mental discipline.

You optimized for logic.
You killed off distraction.
You made pain productive.

And in the process? You overdeveloped your prefrontal cortex and shut down everything soft.
Emotional expression? Suppressed.
Oxytocin bonding? Blocked.
Vulnerability? Filed under “inefficient.”
Not because you're cold.
Because you had to be efficient to build what you’ve built.
But the same survival mode that built your empire?
It’s killing your connection.
Read 12 tweets

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