In my years as a family therapist, 1 approach worked consistently to get angry and defiant little kids to be loving and obedient:

10-minute sessions EVERY DAY with each child where the parent just asked questions, paid attention, and showed them love.

Stopped so many behaviors.
Some played Go-Fish, some colored pictures, just just sat together. No screens. 10, literally timed on a countdown clock they could both see. Questions and questions with no advice or directions or scolding. Just interviewing with interest as if the parent cared about their child
10 minutes a day with each child turned things around even for families with older kids who were starting to use physical violence against adults to express their anger.

Being treated like they were loved changed their entire behavior pattern. Imagine that.
If you want your kids to listen to you, they have to feel loved and they need to know you’re interested in them. That gives them something to lose if they act badly. Kids naturally want to please their parents but many feel like it’s impossible so they go the opposite way.
Give your kids love and be interested in them and suddenly they’ve got something to lose if they act badly. You don’t have to ground them or scream at them or spank them. Defiant kids will use those punishments as fuel.

But your disappointment is way more powerful, if attached.
It all comes back to attachment. If your kids feel unworthy of your love and believe you don’t even like them, they won’t listen. They have a vested interest in forcing you to give them attention instead. And they’ll convince themselves they don’t need your love.
Give your kids clear love and focused attention. Develop their attachment to you. Natural processes will kick in and they will fear losing their connection to you. So they’ll fear displeasing you. That becomes enough.

Then you love them unconditionally, but attention is earned.
Attention becomes their currency. And if they can get that attention for good behavior, they’ll do it.

But you have to make yourself pay attention to good behavior.
You get out of your relationship with your kids what you invest in it. So invest smarter. Pay more attention.
Paying attention to your kids improves their mental health.

If you want to give them a healthy future:
✅Put your phone down
✅Make eye contact
✅Ask questions
✅And listen with interest

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More from @AdamLaneSmith

Jun 23
He’s touch starved.
She feels emotionally abandoned.
He’s burning with unmet desire.
She’s drowning in invisible labor.

This is the fight happening on my timeline right now and in many marriages.
But it’s not a war.
It’s a cry for connection on both sides.

Let’s break it down🧵
Most men stop receiving physical affection after age 12—unless they get it from a romantic partner.

That means for many husbands, the only place they feel physical warmth, comfort, and touch is in bed.

When that touch vanishes, it’s not just about sex.
It’s about survival.
Men are biologically wired for regular sexual release—yes.
But more than that, oxytocin bonding happens through physical contact, cuddling, kissing, and intimacy.
When men go without it, their bodies flood with cortisol, not calm.
It’s fight-or-flight.
It’s chemical starvation.
Read 9 tweets
Jun 19
Your wife doesn’t want sex.
She doesn’t initiate it.
She doesn’t respond when you do.
And you’re stuck wondering what happened to the woman who used to want you.

Let’s talk about what’s really going on (and how to fix it). 🧵
It’s not about your body.
It’s not about her hormones.
It’s not even about her libido.

The real issue is this:
She doesn’t feel safe.
Not physically—emotionally.
And when a woman doesn’t feel emotionally safe, her body shuts down.
She’s not withholding sex to punish you.
She’s not trying to frustrate you.
She’s trying to survive.

If she feels unseen, unheard, emotionally alone, or constantly misunderstood…
Her body responds by pulling back.
It’s a nervous system shutdown, not a rejection.
Read 9 tweets
Jun 17
The wife feels lonely and sad, but the husband has no idea why. They love each other but don't like each other anymore.

This is by far the most common married couple who comes to me for help. And there's a specific reason this is happening.

Here's the reason:
There's a hidden relationship dynamic playing out in about 50% of adults:

Growing up in families that didn't teach the vital skills needed to maintain a functioning romance has led to generations of adults who can't maintain a marriage and make it thrive.

Here's why:
You learn skills by seeing someone else using them or by having someone transmit them to you through experience.

In other words, if your parents didn't have a thriving marriage or raise you to form intentional bonds, how will you know what to do?

You're missing skills like:
Read 11 tweets
Jun 3
You're not broken.
You’re not heartless.
You’re not incapable of love.
You’ve just trained your nervous system to survive, build, and win.

But now you’re winning ALONE.
Let’s talk about why. 🧵
If you’re a high-performing man, your success came by forging extreme mental discipline.

You optimized for logic.
You killed off distraction.
You made pain productive.

And in the process? You overdeveloped your prefrontal cortex and shut down everything soft.
Emotional expression? Suppressed.
Oxytocin bonding? Blocked.
Vulnerability? Filed under “inefficient.”
Not because you're cold.
Because you had to be efficient to build what you’ve built.
But the same survival mode that built your empire?
It’s killing your connection.
Read 12 tweets
Jun 2
You're married.
You love each other.
But lately…
You feel like roommates.
She feels emotionally starved.
He feels physically rejected.
You're both frustrated.
And nobody knows how to fix it.
🧵Let’s talk about what’s really going on:
Your marriage isn’t broken because you stopped loving each other.

It’s stuck in a cycle of survival.

She’s emotionally shut down.
He’s physically shut down.
And both of you are waiting for the other person to make the first move.
For many wives, emotional intimacy is prerequisite to physical intimacy.

She needs to feel safe
She needs to feel seen
She needs to feel emotionally held
Without that? Her body says “no.”
Not out of spite—out of self-protection.
Read 13 tweets
May 13
Avoidant men get a bad reputation in relationships—cold, distant, disconnected.

But here’s the truth:
When avoidant men share a clear understanding with you, they often become the most devoted husbands and protective fathers you’ll ever meet.

Here’s how. 🧵👇
Avoidant men aren’t lacking in love.
They’re lacking in clarity, safety, and trust.

Most are desperate to get it right—but they feel like they’re always failing.

That changes when three specific factors are in place. 👇
1) Clear Expectations

Avoidant men fear disappointing their partner. So when expectations are vague, they exaggerate them in their head—and shut down.

They think:
👉 “She wants too much.”
👉 “I can’t win.”
👉 “Better to do nothing than fail.”

Fix this with simple clarity.
Read 9 tweets

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