In my years as a family therapist, 1 approach worked consistently to get angry and defiant little kids to be loving and obedient:

10-minute sessions EVERY DAY with each child where the parent just asked questions, paid attention, and showed them love.

Stopped so many behaviors.
Some played Go-Fish, some colored pictures, just just sat together. No screens. 10, literally timed on a countdown clock they could both see. Questions and questions with no advice or directions or scolding. Just interviewing with interest as if the parent cared about their child
10 minutes a day with each child turned things around even for families with older kids who were starting to use physical violence against adults to express their anger.

Being treated like they were loved changed their entire behavior pattern. Imagine that.
If you want your kids to listen to you, they have to feel loved and they need to know you’re interested in them. That gives them something to lose if they act badly. Kids naturally want to please their parents but many feel like it’s impossible so they go the opposite way.
Give your kids love and be interested in them and suddenly they’ve got something to lose if they act badly. You don’t have to ground them or scream at them or spank them. Defiant kids will use those punishments as fuel.

But your disappointment is way more powerful, if attached.
It all comes back to attachment. If your kids feel unworthy of your love and believe you don’t even like them, they won’t listen. They have a vested interest in forcing you to give them attention instead. And they’ll convince themselves they don’t need your love.
Give your kids clear love and focused attention. Develop their attachment to you. Natural processes will kick in and they will fear losing their connection to you. So they’ll fear displeasing you. That becomes enough.

Then you love them unconditionally, but attention is earned.
Attention becomes their currency. And if they can get that attention for good behavior, they’ll do it.

But you have to make yourself pay attention to good behavior.
You get out of your relationship with your kids what you invest in it. So invest smarter. Pay more attention.
Paying attention to your kids improves their mental health.

If you want to give them a healthy future:
✅Put your phone down
✅Make eye contact
✅Ask questions
✅And listen with interest

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More from @AdamLaneSmith

Sep 3
Most people stumble through dating blind. The 3-Date Method fixes this by giving you a roadmap.

Here’s exactly what to do—and even what to SAY—on each of the 3 dates to discover if you’re truly compatible. 🧵
Date 1: Direction
This isn’t “What’s your favorite color?”
This is: “Where are you going in life?”

Script to start:
“I know this might feel early, but I’m looking for someone who wants marriage and family down the line. What about you?”

Direct. Clear. No time wasted.
Why this matters: If your goals don’t line up—kids, marriage, faith, lifestyle—no amount of chemistry will fix it later.

Better to find out NOW than after years of investment.
Read 11 tweets
Aug 29
The most damaging behaviors in romantic relationships aren’t always dramatic abuse. They’re the almost normal patterns that slowly poison love.

Let’s talk about the silent killers of relationships—on both sides, what men and women do to each other. 🧵
What some men do that destroys love:
– Withdrawing into silence instead of engaging
– Dismissing her emotions as “crazy” or “dramatic”
– Using logic as a weapon to avoid intimacy
– Giving only provision but withholding presence

This teaches her she’s alone in the relationship.
What some women do that destroys love:
– Criticizing instead of appreciating
– Withholding affection until her needs are met
– Overusing labels like “gaslighting” or “controlling” to win fights
– Acting as the moral superior instead of a partner

This tells him he’s incompetent.
Read 6 tweets
Aug 27
Yesterday I explained what men and women bring to each other:
Men provide safety.
Women provide peace.

But why must each side receive first, before they can give their portion back?
Because love runs on capacity.
Let’s break it down. 🧵
A man who doesn’t feel peace will be too burned out to offer safety.
If his nervous system never calms, his testosterone collapses. Stress eats him alive.
He can’t protect, can’t provide, can’t bond—because survival mode is draining all his energy.
When a woman brings calm, gentleness, and loyalty… it fuels his capacity.
Peace is his recovery chamber. His body heals. His mind clears. His energy returns.
Now he can step forward with the safety she needs.
Read 8 tweets
Aug 26
Men and women don’t just “bring things to the table.”They each bring the very ingredients our bodies and nervous systems need to feel safe, peaceful, and alive.

Here’s what men and women offer each other when love is secure. 🧵
Men provide 4 levels of safety:
Physical
Financial
Emotional
Bonding

Women provide 4 levels of peace:
Calm
Gentleness
Loyalty
Executive partnership

Let’s break these down.
Men → Physical Safety
When a man shields his partner from danger, her nervous system relaxes. Cortisol drops. Estrogen rises. She can focus on love and growth instead of survival.
This isn’t about being a fighter—it’s about being a protector.
Read 12 tweets
Aug 19
“What do women even bring to the table?”
“Why do I even need a man?”
“Is marriage outdated?”

Let’s answer all three in one thread. Because the truth is, marriage is still one of the most powerful forces for human health, success, and fulfillment. 🧵
First: for men (from research)

Men in stable marriages live longer.
They earn more.
They recover from illness faster.
They have lower rates of addiction and depression.
They enjoy better sex and more frequent intimacy than single men.

Marriage isn’t a cage. It’s a launchpad.
Men need marriage because testosterone without grounding burns men out.

A good wife stabilizes his nervous system, boosts oxytocin, and gives him purpose bigger than himself.

Married men take more risks and survive them—because they’re fighting for something real.
Read 8 tweets
Aug 14
When love starts feeling like war…

You can’t fix it with a weekend getaway.
You can’t fix it with more sex.
You can’t even fix it by “talking it out.”

Here’s why your relationship feels like it’s dying—and what to do before it’s too late. 🧵
It’s called a cortisol association.
Over time, every fight, every cold shoulder, every unresolved hurt trains your brain to link your partner with stress, pain, and threat.

You stop feeling safe with them—and start feeling on guard.
Your brain makes a decision without telling you:
“I can’t work WITH them anymore. I have to work AROUND them.”

And just like that, their voice, their smell, their footsteps all carry the tension of every past fight.
They’ve become the enemy.
Read 7 tweets

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