Thread by @amasugiru

Being aware of & participating in the #asexual community has had a huge impact on my mental health. It helped reframe my experiences (& myself) as more than just as more than just outliers among peers. Shedding this sense of abberation is a process, esp when it comes to silence.

This silence was in part self-imposed, as I struggled to define myself as a teen. Sexual awakenings were an absolute, so I viewed myself as more mature. I had skipped an awkward phase & moved on to adulthood. My sexuality confused my classmates. In turn they labeled me queer.

While not wrong, they weren’t right. To them I was clearly a lesbian, as #asexual was not in our vocabulary. I conflated aesthetics with sexual attraction to play aong. It felt disingenuous, but necessary to keep from being dissected by others. I hid from them as well as myself.

It took me several years to realize my maturity model was a coping mechanism, but then I still lacked the vocabulary to express myself as #asexual. A shift occurred wherein once I was more developed than my peers, I now felt shame at having not hit certain ‘milestones’.

Yet, I expressed myself to friends and family while growing up. But they too didn’t have the vocabulary. They framed things within their own view of sexuality. ‘I hadn’t met the right person yet’, or some variation of the usual tune. I was never enough, always incomplete.

I still struggle to have those conversations. The hardest has been concerning my recent processing of sexual assault & its impact. While I had made a romantic connection, what happened was not a result of dormant sexual desires, but the deliberate manipulation of my inebriation.

I can’t change the mistakes that followed, but I’m learning from them and trying to forgive myself. The #asexual community has given me the space and the tools to do that. The advocacy and awareness is so important for people discovering themselves no matter the age.

I used to hate labels, because I was expected to conform or reject them. But existing outside these ontologies was equally terrifying. I grew up without the tools to protect & support myself. TLDR: recognition and advocacy is so important for our wellbeing. I need to do more!