Thread by @trickelbank

#BACHELORINPARADISE is always a great mix of 1) castmembers who seem to be totally decent people and 2) castmembers whose current occupation is spreading mental illness and herpes.

Also, I have forgotten 3 out of every 4 people introducing themselves as, "You'll remember me..."

David Spade is Timeless.

I do not remember Abigail

#BACHELORINPARADISE

I am super fucking bored with Grocery Store Joe. He's fine. But I don't get it. I've never gotten it. His accent is terrible. His hair is better this cycle.

I dunno. Why.

#BACHELORINPARADISE

BTW I am hashtagging all of these for your muting pleasure. You're welcome. It's all for you.

I do not remember Ivan.

#BACHELORINPARADISE

I do not remember Serena P.

#BACHELORINPARADISE

I would not have remembered Kelsey without the champagne gimmick. Thank God for David Spade, a national treasure.

#BACHELORINPARADISE

I do not remember Brennan (sp?).

At least this Season will be largely me rediscovering new fame-hungry nothingburgers as opposed to being bored with old fame-hungry nothingburgers?

#BACHELORINPARADISE

I do not remember Natasha, and, funny story:

Underneath her name chyron it said "Peter's Season" and I thought to myself, "Who the fuck is Peter," and I had to Google him and, oh yeah, that guy.

Honestly just waiting for Blake to show up at this point.

#BACHELORINPARADISE

Oooooooooh. Yeah. I remember Tammy.

#BACHELORINPARADISE

Two people just walked in without chyrons!!!! I know both their faces but neither of their names!

Counting that shit. That's five people I'm positive WERE on the show and...howevermany others who the producers are trying to trick me into believing exist.

#BACHELORINPARADISE

I remember Aaron as well! He has a wonky smile and preposterously bad hair.

Of course Tammy likes him. Poor Tammy. Perfect-looking and doomed. Damn it all.

#BACHELORINPARADISE

Not even gonna bother with Kenny. Just stop.

#BACHELORINPARADISE

I am 100% positive that only has Noah has never existed in the BACHELOR universe before now, but I get the feeling trying to Colton his way into this ecosystem.

Nah. You can't fool me, Producers!

#BACHELORINPARADISE

Uh, Joe's crying already. And making farting noises.

Two people just walked in. I know the guy because he JUST left Katie's Season but I can't remember his name and honestly I don't think they even showed the girl's face, maybe the CGI wasn't ready.

#BACHELORINPARADISE

Would not have remembered Victoria without her intro package. And then I remembered how boring her whole gambit is. She is an undercooked pancake. That's all I got for her.

Except: I bet her parents, who I guarantee are awful, bought her a convertible BMW.

#BACHELORINPARADISE

My DirecTV box froze. Obviously, I blame Victoria's parents for that.

#BACHELORINPARADISE

We are back and I for sureeeeeee remember Mari. But not the girl who walked in ahead of her, who must not rate because all she got to do was flip a ponytail and then the editor was like, "Enough of you, fuck off now."

#BACHELORINPARADISE

So I've watched every Season of #BACHELORINPARADISE *and* Tahzjuan got an intro package in which she allegedly had some previous overheating drama and I STILL have no clue who she is.

That is actually impressive. However, once again, the Producers have not fooled me. She is CGI.

I gotta give Tahzjuan credit where credit is due, tho: she didn't even PRETEND to know who the fuck David Spade is.

The AI controlling this year's fake/CGI castmembers is fucking brutal, but fair.

#BACHELORINPARADISE

OK, Tahzjuan is the early #BACHELORINPARADISE MVP for pre-boning Tre's (that's his name!) uncle.

Tremendous work being done by this Season's writers, and so early on in the Premiere. We are blessed, one and all.

Also she's taking to Ponytail who is a smokeshow and has no name.

Some dude just barreled onto the beach with no introduction and no name and I remember him *only* because his hair is so, so bad.

Bad hair is an epidemic amongst the guys in this franchise who have no one in their life that loves them enough to tell them.

#BACHELORINPARADISE

Two more girls walk in. No clue on either of them. The CGI budget this year is loaded. I wonder if they took it out of Spade's cut.

#BACHELORINPARADISE

Aaron...uses his face too much. I don't know how else to say it. But God, I need it to stop. It keeps twitching in all directions like a malfunctioning animatronic in the Hall of Presidents. Go to the hospital.

Come on, Tammy. Respect yourself.

#BACHELORINPARADISE

I remember Karl! He's one of the five least-authentic people in the history of the BACHELOR/ETTE Universe and looks like he's pissing both his pants AND your pants whenever someone looks him in the eyes.

FUN.

#BACHELORINPARADISE

Everyone hates Karl.

This is my Valhalla.

#BACHELORINPARADISE

In case you were dumb enough to think that the old guy who's name I already can't remember was *actually* naked this whole time, ABC accidentally included a shot in which they forgot the black box, whoops, wow guys, elite gag.

#BACHELORINPARADISE

Abigail is WAY too good for Noah, who is just a faded cardboard cutout of Dan Stevens that someone left in the rain.

#BACHELORINPARADISE