Thread by @wordglass

Some days I am just awake with no memory of waking; not knowing which door i came from, entering a closet of consciousness from a bright sunlight & birch tree scented outdoor dream into the acrid smell of seared steak which fills the starry home in my mind. #endofclickbait

https://twitter.com/wordglass/status/1428192565971472387

I live like an empress, having gone from homelessness at 19 to living on a goodwill twin bed with a fitted sheet & pillows of my own that no one can steal by age 44. I have a bed of my own that stays in the same place every night. Worn and sagging and mine.

The box springs have cut my hand in my frantic dash to find my phone when I wake up blind without my glasses and unaware of my current bank balance—the exact ticking debt I owe today. Good thing I can access the internet any time I want.

Then I see the text.

A "Your card was declined for insufficient funds" text.

I hate that every time I don't have enough money I feel absolutely terrible for being poor. it is my fault that I can't earn more, or keep hospital bills away, or that some stuff is "pending" til it's not.

I hate it because it's true. I can't do any of those things. but I also hate that I have no control of some parts of my life that make me poor. Mostly the existing part. I already had anxiety that I'm 12k a year short, thank you debit card text for rubbing my face in lava

Not disabled enough to keep SSDI but not rich enough to keep a renters insurance transaction the black despite my daily pleas for help here. I hate that the anxiety can make room in my chest despite the frustration and resignation and the anger at myself.

It's not my game, but I still have to play by the rules. Doesn't matter if I'm no good at it, there are no real time-outs. Doesn't matter that half my body is wonky, or that I'm exhausted and mentally fractured like an egg in a broken coffee cup

Doesn't matter that people are feeling one way or the other about it, because feelings don't make the whole cycle stop and this is not a country of assisted end-of-life medical procedures, is it?

nope. Plus I like living. it's just that I'm bad at the living of it, apparently.

But I'm tired of trying to fundraise and act like a worthy human at the same time. If I have to spread a mutual's gofundme it feels less impositional on the people who read my tweets

Sorry, my brain kinda fell apart here, more comments later as I can unspool the painsomnia and untangle the brain ennervation.

Relevant thread branch. Bad human simulacra needs sleep now.

https://twitter.com/wordglass/status/1428190718716125186