Thread by @clinkit_drinkit

TW Let’s talk about abortion. Specifically 2nd & 3rd trimester abortions aka terminating for medical reasons (TFMR). 10% of abortions in the US fall into this category. Zero women selecting TFMR do so because they want to. Let’s delve further into ending a wanted pregnancy.

No woman gets pregnant with the intent to abort. Women who TFMR were planning to bring a healthy baby home. We went to all our appointment excited to hear or see our baby. We dreamed about soccer games, ballet classes, little league, & graduations. We had hopes and dreams.

Then the unthinkable happens. For me it was genetic testing that I opted into bc I was 35 & could find out gender earlier. I’ll never forget that phone call. I’d only met this OBGYN once & I knew the minute he said his name something was wrong. I was home with my 2 year old.

My 5 year old was at school & my husband was at work. I was 11 weeks pregnant with a baby I thought would complete our family. It didn’t matter that I was nauseous all day everyday. I was excited about this baby. I stood in my kitchen holding the counter as my world fell apart.

Tests showed a 78% chance of trisomy 18. I’d never even heard of this before. 95% of T18 babies miscarry. Of the remaining 5% only a few live past a few hours & often bc they have mosaic T18, meaning only some of their cells have an extra 18th chromosome. We needed more testing.

We had 2 living sons so it was an added blow that I was pregnant with a little girl I’d been dreaming of. I tried to have hope.

Our next step was seeing an MFM(maternal fetal medicine) doctor. The ultrasound was not good. I was 12 weeks at this point.

She was small, she either had a hole in her heart or was missing a chamber, she had fluid on the back of her head, her head was pointed in the front, and something was wrong with her stomach, these are all markers of T18. Hope was fading.

My husband was doing contract work & couldn’t take an unpaid day off so I was there alone. I needed diagnostic testing. Either a CVS test or amniocentesis. Amnio is slightly less risky than CVS. I think by choosing to wait for an amnio I was pretending to have hope.

We spent the next few weeks reading everything we could find about T18. On 10/4/16 I went in for a routine OB appointment. It was another new doctor. She mentioned going to a clinic. I wasn’t prepared for that but then is anyone ever really prepared for that? I don’t think so.

She made me angry. I’d never really considered it. I was raised Catholic & while I supported a woman’s right to choose it wasn’t something I’d ever put thought into especially for myself. I may have been pissed but then I couldn’t stop thinking about all of my options.

Option 1

Hope for a miscarriage so I wouldn’t have to decide. I’ve heard from women who were relieved they miscarried & didn’t have to decide. This wasn’t really an option for me. I’d started having nightmares about miscarrying. There was blood everywhere & I couldn’t sleep.

I was starting to show signs of PTSD & I was still sick all day while caring for 2 young kids. I was struggling to function as a mother & wife. The grief was setting in & the shower was the only safe place I could breakdown away from my kids.

Option 2

Go full term & watch my daughter suffocate to death. Her lungs would never mature & her heart would never function properly. She would never live outside of me. Even if she survived birth for a few minutes, she wouldn’t be living in anything but pain.

How could I choose that. What kind of mother would I be if I chose prolonged pain & suffering for her? This option also would have meant a 3rd c section. Major surgery with its own set of risks for me.

Option 3

TFMR

Would my conservative family still love me if I chose this? Would my liberal family & friends still stand behind their beliefs if I made this choice? What was the best choice for my daughter, for me, my husband, & our living children?

Then 1 day I read a story. This woman said the day of her TFMR she walked outside & the sun hit her. She said it felt like God was reaching out to her to tell her it was okay & He supported her decision. It was the opening I needed to give me the okay to make my choice.

Her story also told me I had another option. I’d only been given a D&E option but she had had an induction abortion. It took a stranger online to find out I could deliver my daughter via induction at a hospital & then get the opportunity to hold her & say goodbye. I wanted that.

I needed it. This seemed to me like a way to validate her life. The pain of hours of contractions seemed cathartic to me. That might seem sick & twisted but it was what I wanted & needed.

On 10/12/16 I had my amnio. They found more anomalies. The amnio was only necessary at this point if I wanted an induction abortion. I had to have diagnostic proof incompatible with life. It took over 2 weeks to get it.

I spoke to someone I trusted about TFMR. He told me other family members wouldn’t be okay with it. I was scared & vulnerable so I believed him. We kept our circle small in order to protect our daughter & ourselves. I couldn’t escape anti abortion commentary though.

It was right before the 2016 election & at that point it was being talked about constantly. It made the nightmares worse.

I tried to block it out. I was losing my baby & I just wanted to say goodbye when & how I wanted to. It was the only thing I could control.

On 10/27/16 at 18 weeks pregnant Gemma Grace was born via induction abortion. It was the most beautiful ending to the worst day of my life.

We told people we lost her, that we said goodbye. We let them fill in the blanks. A lie of omission to protect her & us. It was lonely.

Anti abortion laws look to make me a criminal for making the most loving decision I could for my daughter. Most exceptions are for the rare circumstance that the mother’s life is at risk. My situation would be a gray area.

What do you see when you look at this photo?

Love? Grief? A mother & father?

This is me, my heart ripped open, my blessing & goodbye, forever changed, my love, my Gemma…….

this is my induction abortion