Thread by @UrsulaV

So there I was in the Target feminine hygiene aisle, shopping for the usual suspects, when I see something in Aggressively Eco-Friendly-Looking packaging.

I like eco-friendly things, I think. I examine this product.

It is a pad that claims to be infused with essential herbs.

Now, it was many and many a year ago, in a kingdom by the sea, when I was young and my mother gave me the talk, which involved, among other things, “Do not put scented stuff on your nethers, you’ll probably get a rash.”

This advice has served me well in life.

Deeply puzzled, I examine this product more closely, and discover that it is, in fact, infused with herbal essential oils, namely lavender, rose and…mint?

Wait, MINT?!

Now, those of us who use Dr. Bronner’s soap know well the moment when the peppermint accidentally hits regions where peppermint should not go, an experience I would call “traumatically brisk” and I say this as a woman who has used windy outhouses on the side of the Himalayas.

“Surely they cannot be serious,” I think, going to the internet, whereupon I discover a plethora of Amazon reviews with titles like “OH GOD IT BURNS”

Frequent comparisons were drawn to IcyHot and Vicks Vaporub. (Also shoutout to the reviewer who said it burned and also the wings were crap, which was definitely above and beyond the call of duty.)

Also they sold post-partum pads because the mint oil is supposed to numb the stitches. I have never been the target market for this, and perhaps it works, but I did make a noise like a small rodent being drop-kicked into a can when I read this.

So that was a thing I discovered.

And no, beloved friends, this was not designed by a man. I wanted to cling to that hope too, but it was not to be.