Thread by @ArgentLisbeth

My insomnia was "solved" by getting post-viral fatigue during uni 😑

Went from getting a maximum of 6 hours (after being up for 72), to sleeping 16-20 hours a day. That was a fun time.

Godess, my chances at ever completing uni were utterly fucked werent they ?? 😅

I'm pretty sure the doctor I saw at that time just said I was depressed. Like, dude. I'd been depressed for 10+ years at that point. Sleeping 16-20 hours a day, and barely being able to sit upright during class isn't "depression".

Still got the highest score out of anyone at the end of that term 😏

Kept getting the "when you are in class you do amazingly well, why aren't you in class more?" talks. They were not prepared to deal with disabled people in that uni.

Godess help me. I am so pissed off looking back at that time. How little support I got. How much they expected me to go out of my way to get any support. Like, I requested they stop giving me the "support sessions" cos they took way more spoons then they helped.

It was just like a lady who sat in a room, and wanted me to do my coursework in front of her. She'd "help" by critiquing essays etc, but knew nothing about the course I was doing. I mean, I was doing a fucking law degree. In one of the most intense courses in the country...

...How the hell was some rando going to keep up with a third of what I was doing. Fucking hell.

It probably didn't help that the law tutor that was supposed to be able to guide/support me through the course disappeared for 6 months or something. I think I met her like 4 times.

I think technically I still have an open invitation back to that university. I quit after being told I'd have to restart the course a second time due to a lack of attendance. The vice-chanceller of the law school told me that all my tutors loved me when I attended class.

I guess that "love" didn't extend to supporting me when I was unable to attend 😑

Of course this is when my completely untreated ADHD was making my brain eat itself. SSRIs leaving me in a haze of nothingness. I actually saw an educational psychologist who did the whole weschler shit just to allow me support for dyslexia.

Ended up doing it pro bono cos I couldn't afford to pay for it.

Oh right. During that whole time, I was going through cycles of eating only bread and jam cos my loans/grants didn't cover all the costs and my parents only bothered to help once or twice the entire time.

So, during all this shit. Through a fucking post-viral disorder. Through repeated panic attacks. Leaving class in a hurry. Sleeping days away. I was working.
I wasn't able to get an actual job. So, I was doing bits of software dev work for a lecturer. As well as...

.. building and selling 3d graphic design PCs.
Survived almost an entire year on that shit. I say "survived". My eating disorder got way worse. Lost like 20lbs. And my photophobia developed to the point where I would get a migraine within minutes of being outside.

Oh, and throughout all this I was transitioning. Experimenting with DIY hrt. ALL with 0 support from my family. And little support from the university. Tbf, I was literally the first out trans person to go through that uni. And they updated all their records when requested.

Frankly, its kinda amazing I'm even alive at this point. There were so many times when I nearly wasnt.

I'm sure in 4 years time I'll be writing a thread about where I am at rn. Gods fucking damn. I don't ever get a break do I?
I've got a ticking time bomb of a gallbladder, that was already slated for removal 2 fucking years ago. I'm getting increasingly severe allergic reactions..

.. to normal foods. And its getting increasingly difficult just to perform the tasks necessary to survive to the next day/week/month.

My one chance of building a stable life just went out the fucking window...

I really have very little hope for the future.

I'm literally only still here out rage, spite, and the fact I utterly despise the people who put me in these situations, then have the gall to call me crazy for not showing them proper deference.

Fuck yes I am crazy. But not because I hate those pieces of shit. But because I didn't take a baseball bat to their legs when I had the chance.

I don't know when this energy will run out. It's kept going for nearly 2 years after being made homeless by those fuckers. And I guess I just got a topping up of that feeling. Lets hope I can get something stable in my life before it runs out, cos if I'm still dealing with...

.. half the shit I'm dealing with rn. I'm not gonna survive much passed that. My guess is that it will last until I inevitably get COVID, and some how have to survive my body tearing itself apart without any medical care.

As I said. Not much to hope for.

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