Thread by @IAmJohnAles

I just started my first ever Downton Abbey and I’m concerned John Bates will not be able to handle all those stairs.

I couldn’t understand anything they were saying and then I realized it’s in English.

There’s very little handshaking at Downton.

There’s this Turkish fellow and I think he may be the prettiest person I’ve ever seen.

Can’t wait to see how his story unfolds over the next few episodes.

O. M. G.
Ms. O’Brien must go.
That is ALL.

These cooks really have some gumption.

And I reiterate that O’Brien must never be trusted. She just loves drama and cigarettes too much.

Someone needs
to edit together
an ‘Are you alright, m’lady?’ sizzle reel.

Look. I’m not gonna say it’s not a hot idea for Lady Mary to get it on with Sir Richard but she MUST KNOW…
this IS HIS PRIME.
HE IS NOT
GOING TO STAY
THIS ATTRACTIVE
AND CAPTIVATING.
I’m against it.

Corporal Thomas to RUN DOWNTON?? He is a KNOWN THIEF. Sometimes I think Lord Crawley is not thinking at all. I mean wtf.

This is fucking bullshit. EVEN WHILE SMOKING A CIGARETTE the guy is SO NOT BELIEVABLE. That smug fucking swagger. Mr. Carson is so above him I can’t even watch. I won’t.

Ok.

I’ll watch. But I’m near boycott level bullshit meter off the charts NOT into it.

It’s in this guy’s contract that he must smoke unconvincingly in every single scene in the series. I’m against several things that involve Thomas.

There’s no other way to say this:
Mrs. Bates needs to die.

Shit. Sir Richard needs to die, too. I thought I could spare him.

Well. That escalated quickly.

So very many mixed feelings every time Lady Mary is kind to that wispy Lavinia & now that Matthew’s legs are questionable (?) I don’t think there’s a chance he dumps her… unless, of course, she falls down a well, which I half expected from the first moment I saw her spoiler aler

I want to believe that if I lived here I’d regularly spend some quality time in the staff’s wing because they’re some messy bitches.

But no matter how much I urged them to keep it real, they wouldn’t be able to be themselves. It’d be all, ‘Haha Master Ales. Brilliant, m’Lord.

I truly hope you haven’t JUST begun following me.

There has never been a more standup human than Lord Robert Crawley, Earl of Grantham, and I hereby nominate him for POTUS, forthwith and heretofore.

Followed by that pussy ass bitch Private Corporal Marlboro Thomas Barrow destroying a set filled with his lousy provisions. EXCELLENT carnage scene with a super ballsy camera op. FANTASTIC opportunity for him not to smoke….
whoops. Here’s that bitch, O’Brien.

Though I am less than encouraged by his reaction to Lady Sybil’s decision to follow her heart with Branson.

Let’s watch that temper, sir.

O. Great. An epidemic.

Well. Well. Well.
Isn’t that JUST LIKE a deadly airborn virus?!
BAD AIM.

Misses Lavinia completely but has its eye on the crown jewel, Countess of Grantham (who I’d just been bemoaning was being underserved… because EVERYBODY loves a great comeback role for a true talent like Elizabeth McGovern…)

(… and JUST THEM she had that little swoon before dinner and I thought GREAT they’re giving her cancer but NO. A stupid virus that can’t fucking shoot straight. HIT THE BAD GUYS, VIRII.)

Side note. There are so many beautiful little hand pies coming in and out of that kitchen, laying on trays, perfectly… and no one eats hand pies.
Biscuits too. Just made to look like carb eaters live there. .

PLEASE FORGIVE WHATEVER I SAID OR THOUGHT OR… WHATEVER THAT RAMBLING I DID WAS, DEAR SWEET LAVINIA, YOU SWEET DEAR DARLING GENTLE SELFLESS GODDESS I WAS WRONG ABOUT YOU. FORGIVE ME.

*Aside
(smoking whisper)
The hats are fantastic.

O. My. God.
So everyone finally does a little boinking and dying and not dying and marrying and getting arrested for murder and deciding on marrying and deciding not to marry and that they’re cursed and then… A CHRISTMAS EPISODE?!
No THANK you.
Boycott.

Ok fine. I’ll watch the first few minutes, but a ouija board is a ridiculous trope. Against. If you’re an actor and you read ‘ouija board’ you know you have a few bullshit scenes ahead of ya.

It’s such bullshit that we’re all enjoying parties while Bates is sitting in prison wondering if he’s ever gonna be free for a crime we all know he didn’t commit. But I’m sure this is a red herring. He clearly didn’t murder his wife.

Charades. My Dudes.
Sir Richard is SUCH a dick. ‘Droll.’ Shut up.
‘Why were you laughing? Where’s my loader?’Fuck off.

I really like the British Jeff Daniels.

Mary. My GOOD GOD. You do NOT have to marry this douchebag. Matthew is RIGHT THERE. Who CARES about curses.

I’m starting to really worry about Mr. Bates, you guys.

FUCK THAT TRIAL. THAT is not what I expected. Gotta sit. Bad bad bad. This aggression… cannot stand, man. #FreeBates

We gotta put a hit on Carlisle. I mean it. Dude’s gotta die.

UMMMM. Stop. All deaths must pause while I FORCE CHOKE THE FUCK OUT OF THOMAS. He just kidnapped Isis the dog in a twisted, cynical plot to win the Earl’s favor and he must die next. I don’t make the rules.

If Matthew and Mary don’t get it on there is no justice.

Also, Sir Richard is a continuing DICK.

There is literally NO SCENE in which Thomas is not blowjobbing a cigarette.

Fellow actors must rib him mercilessly. Or silently behind his back Cupie doll titty twist his soul.

Uh DOY. The fucking dog isn’t where you LOCKED her, smoke man.

If you don’t fry for this the writers think I’m an idiot.

I may die from bursted love heart from William’s dad adopting Daisy over tea at the farm. I am THAT easy.
That is all.

Crawley has lost THE PLOT. The dog switcheroo worked. He fell for it. Thomas gets a chance… TO KILL HIM IN HIS SLEEP.

So long Sir Dick. You shall not be missed. Print THAT in your newspapers.

The light in the prison scenes with Bates and Anna is very appealing.

BINGO.
WE HAVE A BINGO.

That really wasn’t a Christmas episode. It was a good kinda trickeroo. Season Two is in the books and I may keep watching I dunno I haven’t really been paying too much attention it seems good but not much happens.

‘Papa? What’s the matter?’
‘Nothing’s the matter. What SHOULD be the matter?’

Shit. I’m not willing to accept a change in lifestyle for any of these fine souls.
(If any of you think I’m overlooking the fact that Sir Richard 100% had the motive to kill Mrs. Bates & frame her husband forever you are SORELY mistaken.)
If the Crawleys are broke this show sux.

They never show the hoity toity guys being dressed by their valets & clumsily hopping to squish into their fancy pants with sock stirrups and everything. They’re always just straightening cuffs and collars which wouldn’t be a great band name but may work nice for a spinoff.

GAT DAMN. A completely originally romantic and gorgeous royal closed eyes kiss around the door before the wedding to avoid bad luck is so fucking sweet I hate its guts. Also she cheated which is so like Lady Mary no rules apply to her and why should they grrrrrllllfrinnnnn.

‘I am so happy. So very happy I fear my chest will explode.’

You cannot convince me that Robert Crawley would be foolish enough to put that much of the family fortune into ONE company. Divestment is CRITICAL after war. RAILROADS IN CANADA?

Still, we all know Matthew’s going to come through.
DON’T WE?!?!

Let’s say I’m monarchically wealthy & I have a servant who dresses me & it’s ANNA & she’s walking in on me (Mary & Matthew) together in bed for the first time & she just smiles & drops off tea & OPENS THE FUCKING DRAPES TO LET THE SUN POUR IN WITHOUT ASKING WHAT R U NUTS WOMAN?

Stop DMing me your threats. I won’t stop. I’ll never stop. Once this show is over I’ll begin it again & so on.
Fuck acting.
Fuck politics.
I do this now.

Let’s not make this about money, Lady Mary. We are above this.

Also, the Bates in prison story with Anna across the table is a misuse of their stellar shine.
There. I’ve said it.
Wastefulbates.

There was no way for Carson to know what Mrs. Hughes is going through but he’s picked quite a convenient time to blow his stack at HER about some fucking pudding wine glasses. The woman has a LUMP, man. Cool your pompous jets.

Update. That one time when Anna squeaks out ‘His lordship’s in trouble’ SO FUCKIN PURE and Bates learns they may have to sell… his reaction breaks my heart. ‘That makes me sad…’

I’m smiling. I know it’s early. But if they get Thomas (and everything unravels around him) because of some shirts O’brien pinched to avenge her friend’s tall son Alfred over Matthew’s ruined tails that is some true Al Capone shit but I ain’t celebrating I’m just daydreaming.

I’m not on team O’brien yet but I love a switch-hitting villain.

It is wholly implausible that those ovens would just break and ruin an entire dinner AS THE GUESTS are arriving.

Who do you take me for?!
Some… chauffeur?

Holy fuck. Had to rewatch this five times. It is perfect.

How is Bates supposed to sleep while he’s gotta worry his cellie is gonna cut him? Also ‘I’m warning you’? Dude. Bates. My man. How many people are gonna be able to quote you sounding like a murderer, FFS?!

I mean. When they all drive away from it in a wide shot it does look like too much house.
#DownsizeAbbey

Matthew. Come on, Hugh Grant Junior. You gotta read that letter. There’s a big writer’s arrow pointing at it. Don’t tease.

CLANG. Lady Mary you shouldn’t have read that. You should not. Glad you did. Sounds like a forgery. I’m not thrilled with this device. Carry on.

Ohh a lil help that daisy posted a letter from Lavinia. I’d so hate there to be so many people in between my letter & the mailbox. Weird right?
Still. CLANG. DO NOT LIKE the tidiness of making Mary say all of this to Matthew. They needed another day in the room to work this out.

Oh, Anthony. No sir.
You done Edith dirty. I disappoint.
This poor sweet (almost sweet) dear young lady is NOT lucky.

I was supposed to go night putting with my buddy (one of my favorite things to do) and when he texted it wasn’t looking good I was like ‘NO PROB MAN YOU DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO DON’T LET ME STOP YA I GOT STUFF I CAN GET DONE… (with Carson).’
‘Carson?’
‘What? Who? What?’

Now I’m to understand there’s more than three seasons?

Welp. YOU’VE clearly got some time on your hands…

Awright. Let’s go. Watch night number somethingorother:
⬇️
The jail WITHHOLDING POST to and from Bates is realllly cynical. Like, United States Democracy Spreading level mean shit. He’s gonna have to off someone in the pokey. You can’t convince me otherwise.

Do you guys think I’m an idiot?!
You think I wouldn’t remember Thomas made that pass at Pamuk the night he… rode the great spaceship Lady Mary to Mars. Was there foul play?? I don’t know but I did think about that on my run this morning everything’s fine shut up no you shut up

We must not overlook Mrs. Isobel Crawley who is probably overlooked more than she deserves. She is a pure soul and a voice of reason and brilliantly played and now she’s helping Ethel stop hookering with Mrs. Hughes and I stan them both.

It’s curious how the men allude to breakfast in bed more than twice but in relation to being a married woman and I can’t stomach how terribly far the aristocracy have fallen.

Again, Thomas is a bitch when Carson is helping Alfred become BETTER at his new craft. He’ll never be Butler. He’s a twatty footman who doesn’t care to be better at anything.

Lord Grantham is right. There DOES ‘always seem to be something of Johnny Foreigner about the Catholics.’

Just a couple months ago phones were alien spaceships to these people and now it’s all
‘Hello? Sybil? Are you there? Ugh.’

Suddenly wet revolutionary-on-the-lam Tom comes in and has abandoned Sybil in Dublin and I’d have waited outside in the rain until the day she arrives but go ahead and pitch it to the family, idiot. Super smooth move, Ipecac.

Jimmy, the new footman candidate, is too good looking. Pass.

Bates and his grizzled snitch in the clink are trying to get beers in the sun after tarring the roof with the other fellas? I may have missed a scene.

THEN O’BRIEN IS USING REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY ON THOMAS ABOUT JIMMYJAMES TO PROTECT ALFRED’S JOB.
Family. SO PREDICTABLE.

Bates gets the backlogged letters from Anna & there’s a tiny reprieve from his Job-like misfortune. I’m sure he’ll be free & have a family with her some day and if that doesn’t happen I will never watch the movies but seriously they should have kept Bates at Downton good NIGHT.

Whatever happened to missytypewriter?

It’s clear to me now how adding electricity to the manse has been an improvement.

Isobel smiling, all business and letting Mrs. Byrd quit is straight savage. 🔥

Alfred and Jimmyjames dogging the new kitchen maid is SO pre 2017.

I’m glad we’re back to white tie and not challenging tradition quite so harshly anymore.

These two old fart doctors arguing over Sybil’s prenatal condition feels like Texas and is sending up BIG FLARES. SHE MUST NOT BE HURT.
I’ve never even HEARD of eclampsia in real life.

Men are fucking useless.

…when a baby is being delivered. Don’t be so judgey.

It’s a girl!

Shit.

SYBIL??!? NO.

Um. There’s nothing funny about Sybil. I’m a little bit sobbing.

Then Thomas ruined it.

Then Cora just made my heart explode.

And then the siblings and Tom talking with her in the room as the men come to take her away…
Too much.

With this kind of plot turn it may be a one episode evening.
That one stings more than Mrs. Landingham. ❤️

Damn Cora is putting Lord Grantham in a tight spot.

Baby Sybil?! A CATH O LICK?!

I could totally see Daisy running that farm.
That disarming sibilant sssss…
‘I said tuppence per gross, sir. Not a farthing less.’

It me

This place is
B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
Traditions are at RISK in the wake of… the dying of the angel lady and none of the women are leaving luncheon before the pudding with Robert standing there like a lummox.

Not one guard noticed Bates pulling his cellie out of the walking circle to threaten to shiv him. Right.

Lady Mary holds baby Sybil and… she gonna steal that baby.

Uhhhh. Handsy Thomas vs. Jimmyjames. Assault is assault, pal.

INT. WRITERS ROOM — DAY
The writers are gathered.

SCRIPT
‘Bates is to be free. This happens quick and easy! It is written right here on page 32.’

(Good day everyone!)

I’m a fan of the lying doctor’s storytelling.
It’s for the Crawley’s good.

I just noticed the petal falling on ‘slo-mo’ in the credits for the first time. Funny how they don’t have good 96 fps in 2012. Today’s Second Unit would have that perfect.

HOLY MACKEREL BATES AND ANNA CAN HUG & KISS!!

A HANDSHAKE FROM LORD GRANTHAM!

Wild. I never made mention of the scene where Thomas wasn’t smoking. Meh.

O’Brien playing the Svengali act on Thomas and it worked on ME! I forgot Jimmyjames was straight. But now Thomas knows he ain’t and…

Lady Edith is so cool and they want us to believe she’s a nerd and cursed but they gotta throw some bad shit at her for that. Give the woman a glass ceiling to break ffs.

O’Brien just said to Alfred of Thomas after he’s caught smooching the handsome man ‘stand back and enjoy his fall’ which means Thomas is going to own the estate someday.

O my good god we are hearing too much about this cricket game.
We are STRETCHING.

I couldn’t give a shit.

unless the Village wins again that would be utter bullshit we already martyred The Dowager Countess’ roses to that piker in the rigged contest, ffs.

Scratch that. Thomas is toast for now and will not own the estate til season 7.

Oooooohhhhh!
Bates HEARD THAT JIMMYJAMES SHIT, O’BRIEN!

Ugh. Cricket, again.

Carson did NOT enjoy being referred to as a liberal.

‘Daddy works harder than a slave.’ is quite a mouthful, Rose.

Thomas is blubbering about his non-reference, getting the gist that it was O’brien putting Jimmyjames up to it. JUICY.

Rose: With Edith as my chaperone what harm can I come to?!

(O she’s gonna get pregnant in London.)

Scandal is too strong because of Ethel. So much unwanted attention.
(these thirsty tramps)

Bold move for Mr. Barrow to sexy smoke whisper his threats to Bates at the Bates’ love cottage. Will I ever be rid of this mope?

Carson. Cora. Crawley. Cricket. Can’t claim to care.

I would hire Edith in 1920. She’s so ahead of her time.
Also, she’s cool getting dirty in the hay. Not a euphemism.

O. This cab driver! 😅 Rose is for sure getting pregnant or dead.

A family intervention in a jazz club! Rose will remain a virg—
…someone who didn’t get laid again tonight.

Rose. That old richie is never getting the divorce.

Mean tea with Isobel and Violet.
Cora’s there too.
Point — Isobel

‘Why do ya have to be such a big girl’s blouse about it?’

— Bates zings Jimmyjames.
Ouch.

Nothings wrong with Matthew’s pecker at the baby doctor! (though no tests were conducted)

OOPS. HI MARY.

There really is very little touching at Downton. Feels like the aftermath of the Pandemic worked better in the roaring 20s.

I am not loving the way Rose is speaking to The Dowager Countess.

Not dead. Maybe pregnant. Certainly deserving some uppance.

OMFG. Bates is ABSOLUTELY going to help Thomas own Downton.
I’m sick.
LET HIM GO.

MATTHEW. EASY ON THE OLD MAN. Lord Grantham is showing some cracks with the youngsters.
He’s so resistant to change… on paper. That’s how he’s written. I think in real life Robert Crawley Earl of Grantham is more economically agile.
He’s adaptable. In real life. #Farming

The whole staff would have to die in an explosion if they are ever to allow Thomas back and in charge of the manor. So much dirt.
This is a lock.

O MY GOD. CRICKET WILL SAVE THOMAS?!?! Fuck. Crawley. You’ve lost the plot. So forgiving. Ugh.
Doling out promotions to everyone. Such a huge heart.
CRICKET RUINED THIS.

Matthew and Mary cradling lil Sybil is a super sweet tableau and now I’m sure Tom is gonna die so they can—
Ok. I won’t say it.
BACK TO CRICKET.

This is basically an orgy around these parts.

The hats are getting even better and I didn’t think that possible.

Choochootrains are spiffy af.

There’s a lot of clinking at the Downton servants’ dinner.

The new maid is a goner. I am choosing not to invest.

But her name is Edna in case anyone wondered.

This servants’ dinner in Scotland lacks mirth.

The bagpipes in Scotland really draw a line in the sand between art and alarm clocks.

Looks like I’d better invest in Edna. She’s gonna bang Tom. Fer. Sure.

A cast wide trip to the fair! Borrrrrinnngg. Carson’s not into it anyway.

Ooooohhhhh. Isobel and the old doctor! 🍆🩺💉

Mrs. Patmore gonna get a little lovin. Did this creative team get a note to encourage boning?

Tom’s eating with the servants tonight and edna will be dessert.

Matthew and edna’s publisher walk the hills of Scotland. Breathtaking shot.

Full disclosure. I fell asleep here, mid 3.8 (cricket, still??) … it was very late & I truly thought I had the energy to get through ep 9. 😬

I woke up during ep 2, season 4 & DOVE to the remote to avoid spoiling for ME like I’m spoiling for some of you.
I watch after supper.

Lady Mary really should take it easy with the partially Royal bun in the oven.

The Dowager Countess is game to just walk a rough path dressed to the nines. She’s a goer.

I cannot understand why Jimmyjames would go into town with Thomas for any reason even if Alfred is along.

Lord Grantham passes no opportunity to subtly backhand his sweet Edna. STUFF IT, OLD.

There’s so little smoking at Downton.

Of course Robert can’t shoot. If he killed a deer I’d stop watching.

Mrs. Patmore is gonna wear a pink frock and bang that grocer.

Picnic with Bateseses. Snooze.

Shrimpy wants a divorce.

‘That is the thing about nature, there’s so much of it.’

What are you LOOKING AT? You ASKED FOR HER HELP. (eventhoughihateobrien)

Shit, dawg, this episode is long af.

Everyone’s telling everyone to take it easy for different reasons.

Mrs. Hughes did not like seeing the footmen sitting on the furniture and… using the… footrest.

Very useful fairgrounds B-Roll.

Tufton is a meaty ringer for tug o war but womanizing right out in the sunlight? Unseemly.

I did not see Thomas stepping in to take a beatin for Jimmyjames. What’s in it for him? Payback? Out of character.

Carson and Hughes alone with the baby are cute AF. They’re not gonna bang.

I wish these people wouldn’t smile only to walk away letting it melt into a death snarl just before they do something nefarious. I don’t need such strong signals, people. I’m fuckin watching.

Don’t drink that O’brien.
Ok.
Whoops. Don’t drink that Mosley.

Shit. The dude’s a souse. This won’t end well.

I don’t believe this is possible but with the slo-mo and Anna reeling and her being marvelous I do feel like they’re going to hurt her and if they do it is dirty dirty Downton.

I find it reassuring that Tom doesn’t feel the need to work out incessantly, like some American.

How many of these fucking maids and footpeople are gonna risk everything to get in one of the family member’s… high thread count underpants?

O my God Mary wants to return early and now I think they’re gonna kill her and this is causing me more consternation than is reasonable.

Edna’s gone. Caught. Bye Feledna.
Mary is not well. I’m… I’m not… I don’t… I…

I fucking love Isobel and her straight up wisdom and progressive encouragement. She is the near perfect addition to any family.

Baby is coming. Dead or alive.

Too soon?

Jimmysimonbakerdennyjames is now tempting fate with bruised and battered Thomas lying in bed. This is a powder keg of manly musky wrestly manliness.

Never mind. Well handled. By both. The wrestling is weird. (Just making sure you’re paying attention they didn’t wrestle.)

It’s a boy! Finally. A baby that MEANS something.

When does Mary die? She’s too perfect, however blasé, to continue.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

I may need to take a week off.