Jason and I were discussing the differences between men and women. For example, when he goes running, he takes a different route every time. I, on the other hand, have a carefully planned route through areas where I’m constantly on camera 1)
My neighbors along this route are familiar with me and I with them. I know what their cars look like, so if there’s an unfamiliar van or truck I pass on the other side of the road. I know all my neighbor’s dogs too, so if I ever get chased by some pervert … 2)
… I can jump into a backyard with a Rottweiler or German Shepherd and I’m willing to bet it won’t be me who gets mauled. And if I do, oh well, it’s better than the alternative. I have a plan for every contingency along my route. This is how I think by necessity.
Also, just so we’re clear, anyone who attacked me would be requiring urgent medical care. I’m not afraid to get scrappy.
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1. BTW, if you ever want to test the authenticity of an abuser's "apology," publicly announce what they've done and see how they respond. A repentant person will corroborate your account, publicly repent, and turn themselves in. An abuser will either go silent or escalate.
2. Generally speaking, sociopaths go silent, and narcissists and psychopaths go on the defensive and start acting crazy. But "going silent" doesn't mean sociopaths aren't dangerous. They may go dark while planning to harm you in some other way, so be extremely careful.
3. Meanwhile, narcissists will blackball you, and psychopaths may do both. So, make sure the police know what's happening so they can quickly intervene if things get crazy. Ideally, an abuser should not know where you live, work, go to church/school, etc.
If an abuser who propositioned you as a kid and abused your friends, wrote you:
"I read your book and the part about me. You deserve some big apologies. Can we talk?"
What would you think?
Keep in mind, my book names no names or identifying factors, so he remembers his words.
Y'all are far more trusting than me. Lol.
I screen captured his message, posted it publicly on Facebook, tagged him in it, and told him to never contact me again.
Then I reported him to the police.
Several months later ...
He apparently found out I'd be at a particular presbytery meeting, that was a 20+ hour drive from his house. He showed up at the meeting, sat in a corner, and pretended to read a book while occasionally peering at me over the top of it.
An elder who was involved in a pastoral search team for his church recently asked me, "How do we weed out candidates who are abusive or who will mishandle abusive situations?"
My response (in part) was to give each candidate a set of for instance questions. Nothing shocking or clearly criminal, but things that enablers and abusers would be tempted to hush up.
For example:
"You find out a 16YO girl and my son, who just turned 21, are sexting and there's embarrassing photos. What do you do?"
Go ahead and make it awkwardly personal using "my son" as an example. Put him on the spot. You want to know: does he have the backbone to stand up to you?
I'm remembering the time my parents and four younger siblings were driving to Houston for my wedding. My dad didn't want to go, and switched the gear to neutral while my mom was driving 75MPH. She recovered well, but he was willing to risk all their lives. The youngest was 7.
Looking back, I wonder what police at the time would/could have done had we called. Is it attempted murder? Criminal negligence? Child endangerment? I've so often seen law enforcement raise their eyebrows and shrug before giving up on what if anything to charge abusers with.
The smarter ones operate in the grey area between what is highly questionable behavior and what's definitely illegal. They often try to make things look like accidents, or commit such weird and confusing crimes that no one is quite sure how to respond, and they freeze.
1. The Bible doesn't call emotions sin, so to do this is to add to the word of God / legalism.
2. Emotions were created by God. It's how we handle, express, or act upon them that may be sinful.
Let's look at a few examples:
Anger.
I can and should feel angry when I learn that a child has been abused. Will I blow up and break something? Will I take revenge like Absalom? Or channel my anger into protecting the child and holding the abuser accountable? How I use my anger is either sinful or righteous.
Love.
I can and should love my neighbor as myself. If I learn that my neighbor is an alcoholic who drives drunk, will I love him and overlook his addiction? Or will I love him and all those other people on the road and intervene? How I use my love is either sinful or righteous.