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Maureen Johnson Profile picture
@maureenjohnson
Sep 23, 2021 • 10 tweets • 2 min read • Read on X
My friend Julie is staying here tonight as she moves out of NYC. We are all in bed. Happening right now:
US: *in bed at 10pm because we were up with dog five times last night*
DOOR: ding dong
US: ????
DOOR: hello I am the plumber
ME: what?
DOOR: We need to take your toliet.
ME: what's that now?
PLUMBER: we need to take your toilet
ME: *considers*
ME: why
PLUMBER: it is leaking on to the downstairs
ME: oh
PLUMBER: so we just need to rip it out right now
ME: oh
ME: *wakes Julie*
JULIE: glurgh?
ME: I'm sorry they have to come and take the toilet, can Dexy stay with you for a minute also me
JULIE: ????
PLUMBER: *rolls in with crew*
ME: *is in bed with Julie and dog*
ME: *listens to toilet being ripped out, dog barks*
OSCAR: *comes in to join us*
OSCAR: it's...it's worse. they need to take the floor
ME: what's that now
OSCAR: the problem, is in the floor. so they have to take the floor
ME, to Julie: so, um, are you having a good night's sleep real quick they just have to take the floor
ME: *peers in bathroom*
BATHROOM: Image
Julie is blaming the UN General Assembly and honestly she may be right.
Now all of us are in bed with Julie. Me, Dexy, Oscar. Maybe even the toilet if we play our cards right.
ME, to Julie: so, um, feel free to go back to sleep don’t mind us
PLUMBER: so your floor is messed up and we’re going to have to demolish it
ME: I was asleep 20 minutes ago
PLUMBER: you have short pipes
ME: I’m sorry.
PLUMBER: we’re going now. We’ll be back.
ME: when
PLUMBER: that is for us to know

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More from @maureenjohnson

Maureen Johnson Profile picture
Feb 10, 2023
An update on the situation that happened in my building last month, the one that caused the cancelation of my DC tour event: I am *still* trying to get something done about it. I've had to go through it again and again this last week in particular.
The crux of my problem: the person who came after me has done this before with others. Really, really went after them. Management seems to have no record of this? Records are a lot of the problem here...
Two things happened to us: our stuff was stolen from in front of our door around Christmas. We asked for the video footage. We were told there were "playback issues." Then, this happened to me on the 11th IN FULL VIEW OF A CAMERA. "Playback issues." No footage. Lost footage.
Read 6 tweets
Maureen Johnson Profile picture
Dec 23, 2022
Just had a Very New Forest adventure. Oscar and I took our brother and sister-in-law's dog for a walk in the forest. A pony (these ponies are NOT SMALL, they are HORSES) decided he LIKED US A LOT, or maybe he wanted to EAT US, but he started to run toward us...
My husband, who was raised here, told me to take the dog and move away. He then had a talk with the pony and head and shoulder bumped with it until they understood each other. Pony followed us home VERY CLOSELY.
So we're getting chased (?) or making friends (??) but we had a HORSE ON OUR TAIL. When we got back to my in law's gate, the pony started having a conversation with my mother in law's horses over the fence. They were clearly GOOD FRIENDS and started HANGING OUT.
Read 7 tweets
Maureen Johnson Profile picture
Nov 24, 2022
Also, just sent out a MURDER MYSTERY RIDDLE on my newsletter. The first person to solve it get a signed, limited edition signed ARC. So far, no one has solved it.
It really seems to have people stumped. Read all the clues carefully. Look for details that stand out. Everything in the riddle is accurate to the story, and one line gives a clue to the name.
I'll give you a hint: there is no coal mine in the story. That is a clue toward the title.
Read 5 tweets
Maureen Johnson Profile picture
Nov 24, 2022
*salutes Baby Shark* He is coming. I can feel he is close.
Every year I have tried to get Santa. But I know this year I will succeed.
I will need your help. Please, focus your Cheer. With your Cheer and my nets and bag of tools, we will get to Santa.
Read 36 tweets
Maureen Johnson Profile picture
Nov 23, 2022
I think my dad is watching a show called the Fish Detective?
Update: it is not called Fish Detective. It’s called River Monsters.
There should definitely be a show called Fish Detective I think we all agree on that.
Read 8 tweets
Maureen Johnson Profile picture
Aug 15, 2022
A strange and wonderful thing that just happened, to be filed under "why dogs are amazing." I was walking Dexy, something I do multiple times a day, hundreds of times, along our familiar paths here in NYC. While walking home, after she had passed literally hundreds of people...
...she stopped cold, looked at an older man standing some distance from us, and let out a happy howl--a sound she rarely uses. The AWWOOOOOOO. I looked around to figure out why. We did not know the man, and he was far off.
She refused to budge, except to move in his direction. And he started to come over. Her tail was wagging furiously, and she was happy bark-chatting. (Dex is a hound. She TALKS.) woofWOOFwoofWOOFwoof. When he reached us, she continued chatting away as if they were reunited friends
Read 6 tweets

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