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Sooz Kempner is going on tour! L I N K I N B I O Profile picture
@SoozUK
Sep 29, 2021 • 12 tweets • 5 min read • Read on X
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THREAD: How every model of the VW Passat series feels about how Brexit is going.

ORIGINAL 1973 PASSAT: Tells everyone "I can remember the early days of the single market" without elaborating. Currently out of fuel.
1981 PASSAT ESTATE: Has had the picture of Thatcher in that EU jumper as their Facebook profile pic since mid-June 2016.

Currently out of fuel.
1988 PASSAT: Certain that Brexit is great apart from at 3am where they have to share a bunch of pro-Brexit Facebook memes in order to get to sleep. Blames the fuel crisis on media hysteria, lazy lorry drivers and that one man with the jerry cans.

Currently out of fuel.
1993 PASSAT: Hasn't been home since July 2016 due to father's gloating at a BBQ. They almost reconciled at Christmas 2020 until the father referred to the Labour party as "your lot" in the family WhatsApp group.

Currently out of fuel.
1997 PASSAT: Gets up every morning to like every single Andrew Adonis tweet and comment "bring back Blair" under every BBC tweet about Brexit.

Currently out of fuel.
2001 PASSAT: Just says "no I'm sorry it's too stressful let's just talk about something else please" if anyone brings up Brexit around them. Secretly voted Leave because they used to find Boris Johnson "hilarious" and Leave was never gonna win anyway lol.

Currently out of fuel.
2005 PASSAT: Believes that, at the end of the day, Brexit doesn't affect them particularly and therefore is it really such a big deal? Didn't vote in the EU ref.

Currently out of fuel (but only coz of the pandemic which has been raging for 18 months IN CASE YOU HADN'T NOTICED!)
2008 PASSAT CC: Voted Leave and has perfected doing a really really loud laugh over the top of anybody who expresses any doubt over Brexit, even if they're just on the telly.

Currently out of fuel.
2010 PASSAT: Has made hating Brexit their entire personality which has gained them a 40k-strong Twitter following. Canvassed for Lib Dems in the 2019 election but deleted all their "WE'RE GONNA WIN" tweets from the month leading up to that in January 2020.

Currently out of fuel.
2015 PASSAT: Said "no Brexit please, we're British" at a dinner party in 2016 and everyone laughed heartily and they've used that line a total of 86 times since and it's never garnered quite the same reaction.

Currently out of fuel.
PASSAT ALLTRACK: Claims they can spot "a Remoaner" at 15 feet. Currently on sixth Twitter account due to multiple bans.

Has three quarters of a tank currently coz they happened to buy a full tank the day before the crisis started and believe this to be evidence of their genius.
Thank you for enjoying this very sensible thread about how the Passats all feel about Brexit. You can encourage more of this behaviour at ko-fi.com/soozuk.

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More from @SoozUK

Sooz Kempner is going on tour! L I N K I N B I O Profile picture
May 29
🧵How British cars from the 90s are feeling a week in to the General Election

ROVER 400: Their sister called them a “piece of shit” because they’re going to vote Green and not Labour in their (very safe Tory) seat. Image
NISSAN PATROL: Voting Reform coz “Nigel Farage is a legend”. Thinks he will be Prime Minister. Unaware he isn’t a candidate. Image
FORD MONDEO: Although known to list to the left on occasion and despite a facade of sleekness they’re entirely middle of the road and will vote accordingly. Unironically described Starmer as “forensic” the other day. Image
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Sooz Kempner is going on tour! L I N K I N B I O Profile picture
Dec 22, 2023
🧵Here it is, my big #EastEnders catch-up thread for people who only see it when they go home for Christmas with the family. Allow me to get you all caught up on the goings-on in Albert Square in its most explosive week of the year! And this year is a DOOZY! Image
Sorry btw, last year’s thread was 24 posts long. This one is about 90. There’s a LOT HAPPENING.
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First...here's why Dead Cindy is back. Yeah, you’ll see Cindy, it's clearly Cindy and she’s back with Ian! “HOW!?” Cindy died in childbirth in prison. But she didn’t. She was in witness protection for 25 years. Bish bash bosh. And she’s back. That’s why you’re seeing Dead Cindy. Image
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Sooz Kempner is going on tour! L I N K I N B I O Profile picture
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People stop him in the street to cry and tell him he’s wonderful and fighting the good fight and also that he’s super handsome and his album is brilliant and such good music and that he should be James Bond. Image
Laurence Fox saw Armageddon 2 when he was on holiday in America in the summer.
Laurence Fox tried out the Nemesis at Alton Towers before the rest of the general public.
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Sooz Kempner is going on tour! L I N K I N B I O Profile picture
Apr 14, 2023
If you're clutching your pearls over Sam Smith doing nothing more risque than the same stuff that already had squares clutching pearls since forever...Elvis, Madonna, Freddie Mercury, Bowie, Christina Aguilera, Miley Cyrus, Lil Nas X and more already offended you and your ilk.
"Think of the children!" "Ban this filth!" "They're sick in the head!"

We've heard ALL of this before, you're just looking for things to be offended by and Sam Smith is your current flavour. In a year it'll be some other singer you're repulsed by for aaaalll the same shit.
"That's DIFFERENT, Elvis/Bowie/etc etc had TALENT/weren't aimed at CHILDREN/we're SEXUAL!" Just admit you're the same as a 1950s square all devastated coz a kid saw Elvis swirl his hips. You'd probably get upset that The Beatles wore their hair too long. Fckn square.
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Sooz Kempner is going on tour! L I N K I N B I O Profile picture
Mar 7, 2023
🧵THE WORST FASHIONS OF THE Y2K ERA

BRAS WITH CLEAR STRAPS: Whoa it looks like you aren’t even WEARING a bra! Ultimate goal when wearing strappy tops (ONE SET OF STRAPS ONLY AT ALL TIMES IN Y2K) Invisible straps don’t catch the light like a MIRROR at all PS enjoy your sweat rash some poor woman in a clear-strap bra that is GLINTING under
POINTY-HEM TOPS: I GUESS they’re meant to look like bandanas (?) but I don’t know…why. And…if they’re made of hot pink lycra with faux snakeskin panels…also why PS I miss my Tammy Girl hot pink lycra pointy-hem snakeskin-panel top so much. Beyonce in a pointy hem top because even the queen fucks it
SUPER LOW-RISE JEANS: Tight in the thigh, wide in the shin, low in the…crotch. They flatter not one part of the body, you have to spend all day pulling them up and if there’s no muffin top there’s hip bones. Hip bones! PS even low-rise thongs were never low enough.
Read 22 tweets
Sooz Kempner is going on tour! L I N K I N B I O Profile picture
Mar 7, 2023
14 years to the day since I was working on Oliver! in the West End and M1chael J@cks0n came to see it, had a backstage tour (was not interested in meeting me which will SHOCK you) and then held up the start of the show by 20 minutes coz he wouldn't stop getting up and waving.
After the show the streets were so rammed with people trying to catch a glimpse of the withered King of Pop two months before he died that I got stuck for nearly an hour in the middle of them in the van I used to get to the theatre (with dogs in the back, I was the dog handler).
Anyway, I was stuck RIGHT NEXT TO HIS TOUR BUS and he suddenly appeared at the window and pointed in to the van at the dogs and it was really creepy. It's not an amazing anecdote but it's an anecdote nonetheless.
Read 4 tweets

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