Thread by @garius

ELIZABETH: Big Liz calling Admiral. Big Liz to Admiral. Squawk.
ANNE: Admiral Squawking.
ELIZABETH: Pigs on the 25 and a bear in the air. No knowledge.
ANNE: Roger Roger. Going high.
ELIZABETH: Stick Mimms rondey.
ANNE: Rog. Two bars out.
ELIZABETH: Clear roads
ANNE: Clear roads

https://twitter.com/KwasiKwarteng/status/1443169694995914753

<Elsewhere on the M25>

HAMMOND: I can't fucking believe you talked me into this.
GRAYLING: It's fun! And I needed a driver's mate
HAMMOND: It's not fun Chris. I'm only doing this because it's the only way I'm getting to a Calais beermart
GRAYLING: Want to try the CB?
HAMMOND: No

GRAYLING: You meet all sorts on the road you know.
HAMMOND: Oh I'm sure.
GRAYLING: All sorts.
HAMMOND:
GRAYLING:
HAMMOND:
GRAYLING: I one saw Matt Hancock in a layby. He was-
HAMMOND <interrupting>: DO NOT fucking finish that sentence Chris, I swear to god.

GRAYLING: Are you sure you don't want to have a go on the CB?
HAMMOND: No. I just want beer. And this hell to end.
GRAYLING <on CB>: Squawk my fluffy ducklings!
CB: <lots of quacking>
HAMMOND: Fucking hell.
GRAYLING: These are my people Phil. The road is my home.

ANNE <On CB>: Papa Ducky!
GRAYLING: Admiral! That you?!
ANNE: Ten-four good buddy.
HAMMOND: Wait. That voice is familiar
GRAYLING: Oh that's Admiral. Legend of the road.
HAMMOND: No, I know that voice
GRAYLING: Stories say she's barred from every Little Chef between here and York

HAMMOND: Have you met her?
GRAYLING: Few have. Those that do, they're changed. Different. Thoughtful.
ANNE <CB>: Need intel Pappy Ducky?
HAMMOND: I fucking KNOW that voice
GRAYLING: Rog Rog Admiral.
ANNE: Pos check?
HAMMOND: It's on the edge of my brain
GRAYLING: The 25
ANNE: Rog

ANNE <CB>: Junks?
GRAYLING: Pontoon
HAMMOND: Scarily, I think I'm starting to understand what you're saying
ANNE: Rog. Watch for a pork buffet and a bear in the air
GRAYLING: Can confirm. We're in the buffet queue.
ANNE: They serving?
GRAYLING: Slowly
ANNE: Rog. Will tell Big Liz

GRAYLING: Blimey. Big Liz is out!
HAMMOND: I'm going to regret asking this but... Big Liz?
GRAYLING: Another legend!
HAMMOND: Yeah, I regret it already
GRAYLING: If Admiral is the princess of the road, then Big Liz is its queen.
HAMMOND: Righto
GRAYLING: This is terribly exciting

HAMMOND: So if I understood: you told 'Admiral' that we're stuck in slow traffic, possibly due to an incident, but it's moving.
GRAYLING: Oh well done. Exactly!
HAMMOND: Don't act surprised, Chris. I'm not stupid. I was Chancellor.
GRAYLING: So is Rishi
HAMMOND: Okay, fair point.

GRAYLING: We're almost at the front of the traffic now. See if you can work out what's causing it. I'll call it in.
HAMMOND: I think it's... oh no.
GRAYLING: What?

<roadside>

POLICEMAN: Sir, if you'll just let us push the Volvo off road...
LIDINGTON: Don't you DARE touch Cindy

POLICEMAN: Sir, we just need to move your car off the road. The AA will be here shortly, and they'll...
LIDINGTON: Young man. This is a CLASSIC car.
POLICEMAN: It's a Volvo sir.
LIDINGTON: Exactly. A Volvo 240. A work of art.
POLICEMAN: It's brown.
LIDINGTON: Brown art.

<in the lorry>

GRAYING: Why are you sliding down in your seat?
HAMMOND: Don't fucking ask. Just floor it.
GRAYING: I have a limiter, Phil.
HAMMOND: Fine. Just... just keep driving. Or he'll see us.
GRAYLING: Who?
HAMMOND: Look. I'll tell you later. Just keep going.

GRAYLING: Can you at least tell me what to call in?
HAMMOND: Hmm? Broken down car
GRAYLING <cb>: Papa Ducky to Admiral. Squawk Admiral
ANNE <cb>: Squawking
GRAYLING: Pork buffet is a busted civvy
ANNE: KK papa ducky. Will tell Big Liz
HAMMOND: I should have just gone to Tescos.

<10mins later>

POLICEMAN: He won't move it sir
SARGEANT: Leave it, lad. The AA is coming
POLICEMAN: But sir...

<truck flies past>

ELIZABETH: FUCK THE POLICE!

POLICEMAN: Sir! I'll-
SARGEANT: Leave that too
POLICEMAN: Sir?!
SARGEANT: Big Liz, lad. These are her roads. Not ours.

There you go. Hope you enjoyed. As usual, can buy me a coffee here, but don't feel you have to! ko-fi.com/garius

Think technically you can still back the book too, up until it officially goes to print. Then it'll be all good bookshops etc. etc. unbound.com/books/the-brex…