Let’s talk about the core wounds that trauma survivors with #ADHD often struggle with. 💬
Many folks with #ADHD have also experienced some kind of developmental trauma. We often see neglect and emotional abandonment especially when caregivers are unable (or unwilling) to offer competent support for their neurodivergent child.
The impact of this is so real. And as a coach and as someone who has lived with both, I’ve seen some common challenges that surface for #ADHD survivors of trauma.
Some of these core wounds sound like:
♥️ Self-esteem struggles: If my caregivers don’t understand me — and are unable to offer love and support to the authentic, real me — does that mean I’m broken or unworthy?
➕ The work: Unlearning the belief that we are fundamentally undeserving of care and love.
👥 People-pleasing: Maybe if I can meet all of their demands, desires, and needs, I’ll be good enough to earn their love.
➕ The work: Leaning into the discomfort of setting boundaries and respecting our own capacity, all while trusting that others will still stay and love us even if we can’t be everything to them.
🔥 Burnout: It might exhaust me completely, but I need to keep up appearances and not let anyone see me struggle.
➕ The work: Being vulnerable enough to allow others to see us when we’re struggling to cope; calling on our support systems when we need them instead of trying to manage everything alone.
💔 Rejection sensitivity: Am I just going to end up hurt again? How can I ready myself for the rejection I know is coming?
➕ The work: Trusting that those who are here for us will not be scared off or put off by our true selves. Rejection is not inevitable.
🏃🏻♂️ Demand avoidance: Doing what’s expected of me is painful; I can’t take care of myself or others when I’ve never experienced someone properly taking care of me.
➕ The work: Grieving the support and life skills that weren’t given to us as children; nurturing our inner child so that “adulting” doesn’t feel triggering.
These are just a few of the themes I’ve noticed in trauma survivors with ADHD.
Oftentimes, we are perfectionists driven to perform in hopes of securing the unconditional care and love we didn’t receive as young people.
I wanted to share some of my observations in the hopes that it might be helpful to ADHDers who have experienced trauma — especially emotional abandonment by caregivers, which is so common in our community and yet hardly spoken about.
IMO: This is also why ADHD clinicians need to be trauma-informed, too.
It’s not enough to just address executive dysfunction. Our hearts deserve true healing, too, which begins and ends with deep self-acceptance work.
Anyway. I talk about these topics a lot on Instagram as well. Feel free to hop over there to see what folks are chatting about — I’ll be replying to a lot of questions there!
Same handle, samdylanfinch. 💗🧠
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In an effort to make dental hygiene more appealing and easier for my neurodivergent brain, I made a few purchases today that will hopefully help with brushing and flossing more consistently!
I wanted to share in case these will help you, too.
🧵
I already have a @getquip brush and subscription that is on autopilot for me.
I get mint toothpaste sent to my home, as well as a new toothbrush head and battery for my electric toothbrush, regularly.
This does help and I definitely recommend it if you can afford it!
The nice thing about my quip toothbrush is that it pulses/vibrates to let me know when to switch parts of my mouth, and when to stop brushing. I get distracted while I brush, so this is incredibly helpful for me. 🪥
Let's be clear about this. Transgender people with depression and autism already ARE being denied hormones and surgery. We already HAVE BEEN fighting for the right to access affirming interventions.
Don't let these mandates confuse you. We've been fighting this for a long time.
Plenty of neurodivergent trans people have had to fight tooth and nail to get access to affirming care, without having their mental health weaponized and used against them.
I'm one of them.
Years ago, I shared my own story of trying to access hormones and top surgery, but being denied by care providers — in the San Francisco Bay Area!! — who felt that my mental health was not stable enough to pursue transition.
First, I eat a snack that I can tolerate (usually something with a predictable and easy texture, like yogurt, apple sauce, or ice cream) to help stabilize my mood.
I want to talk about the flip side of what is possible when fat people have access to competent, unbiased health care.
Here’s what happened when I visited my “health at every size” informed primary care doctor earlier this year.
🧵
🛑 I want to first include some content notes for: discussion of eating disorders, health (I will try to avoid numbers), and discussing medical fatphobia in broad terms.
Take care of yourselves first and foremost!
When I visited my doctor earlier this year, I was at one of the worst places I’d ever been.
My cholesterol, blood pressure, and heart rate were all pretty high.
My depression was persistent and relentless despite managing it well in the past with my meds.
Things that can trigger detransition that aren’t just regret.
Adding a little nuance with a thread. 🧵
Eating disorders. Changes in one’s body, especially distribution of fat, can be a huge trigger for some trans folks and may cause them to suspend their transition.
Pressure for a binary transition. If non-binary folks are pressured to “prove” their legitimacy by adopting a binary presentation, they may take steps to undo or soften the effects of their medical transition to align more with their non-binary identity.
ADHD involves so many micromoments of shame. Stepping over the pile of laundry. Re-remembering the bill you still haven’t paid. The sink full of dishes and the fridge leftovers lurking in the back.
The small but recurring “I should have” is cumulative and it’s painful.
I want to encourage folks with ADHD to start noticing those moments of shame.
And instead of letting them crush you with judgment, use them as an opportunity to reaffirm your humanity.
You are not a failure or a fuckup or a mess. You’re human. So, so human.
It takes a lot of practice to catch ourselves in those moments. But the healing we can do when we stop shaming ourselves? It’s huge.
“Death by a million paper cuts” — except it’s trauma by a million moments of self-blame and shame. Imagine what it might feel like to release it?