Thread by @_Bryana_Joy

🧵 The Grim Link Between Pornography & Christian Marriage Resources

I've been posting a lot about how Christian sex advice does damage to women's sexuality & self-concept. Today I'll talk about what these materials have in common with something Christians hate: porn. 1/38

As a young person, I gleaned harmful messages about sex from everywhere: books, films, commercials, retail outlets, media of every kind, conversations overheard among adults. But the most dehumanizing material I've ever seen has been in Christian books & in pornography. 2/38

In this thread, I'll be critical of Christian teachings about sex, & I'll be critical of porn. But I'm not going to critique these things as equal & opposite sexual attitudes that both do harm. I happen to think they're not opposites at all. I think they're in the same camp. 3/38

Let's talk about three things pornography has in common with the gender-essentialist patriarchal framework that is the foundation for the vast majority of mainstream Christian sex & marriage resources put out over the past several decades. 4/38

(Before I share the list, I want to say that I do know there are different categories & forms of porn, & that not all of those categories promote these messages. But the things I am about to list are dominant trends that can be traced broadly & readily in mainstream porn.) 5/38

1. Women Exist For Men: it's no secret that mainstream porn caters to men. Porn centers women's bodies & men's pleasure, & is frequently sorted & categorized around "types" of female bodies male porn consumers can select according to their preferences. 6/38

By reducing living, breathing human women to products arranged & displayed to appeal to male sexual desire, this categorization sends a strong message to its male (& female) viewers: women's purpose in the world is to gratify the needs, wishes, & whims of men. 7/38

And of course porn doesn't stop here. The idea that women exist for men's pleasure is regularly stated explicitly in mainstream porn. Entire subgenres & "kinks" revolve around this concept, expressed with a brutality I will not subject you to in this thread. 8/38

Sadly, porn doesn't have a corner on the market when it comes to this concept of women existing *for* men. Many Christians have furthered this claim over the centuries, & evangelical Christian marriage resources often enshrine the premise as a fundamental cornerstone. 9/38

In her infamous book Created to be His Helpmeet, Debi Pearl verbalizes what many Christians quietly believe: “If you are a wife, you were created to fill a need [...to be] a helper suited to the needs of a man. This is how God created you & it is your purpose for existing." 10/38

Although some adherents of Christian patriarchy might squirm at the starkness of Pearl's statement here, the way they unapologetically define women in terms of the services they were created to render to men reveal them to be in lockstep with her claim. 11/38

The Council on Biblical Manhood & Womanhood defines womanhood by "willing, joyful submission," & in their bestselling book "Captivating," John & Stasi Eldredge summarize the essence of femininity as a deep, identity-level desire to be captivatingly beautiful to a man. 12/38

2. Women Exist For Sex: the sexual objectification of the woman's body is a hallmark of mainstream pornography. In fact, when most people think of porn, that's probably what they think of: sexed-up female bodies being presented for men's consumption. 13/38

The vast majority of porn features women's bodies as the centerpiece of sex & the camera's primary focus. The female figure has become not only the catalyst for sex, but also the *symbol* for sex. Unfortunately, this same objectification is rampant in Christian circles. 14/38

The tendency to equate the female body with sex shows up EVERYWHERE in the evangelical world. From Gary Thomas' new "Married Sex" to Kevin Leman's "Sheet Music" to the bestselling "Every Man's Battle" to sermons I heard in many churches throughout high school & college... 15/38

...the message Christian resources had for me was clear: the real essence of womanhood is sex appeal. Every attractive woman is a symbol for sex in the minds of men, and (get this) *this is how GOD designed things to be.* 16/38

God Almighty, so the evangelical church told me in a hundred subtle & overt messages, fashioned the woman such that she is meant to be defined by her sexual allure. God designed us such that our ability to be sexually enticing to men lies at the core of our being. 17/38

3. This brings me to my third point: Men Are Dominant & Women Are Submissive. This darkest, rottenest plank in the foundations of patriarchy (Christian & otherwise) is a shockingly mainstream theme in bestselling pornography, & one with horrible consequences for women. 18/38

A 2018 Australian study found that 70% of young porn consumers reported regularly seeing men depicted as dominant. 11% reported frequently seeing nonconsensual violence or aggression targeting a woman. 19/38

At least 1 in 3 & as many as 9 in 10 porn videos depict violence or aggression, overwhelmingly directed at women. One study found that nearly half of pornography depicts verbal aggression—again, directed primarily at women. 20/38

Women in porn are regularly pummeled with misogynistic slurs *as part of the act of sex.* They are very often depicted as bound, held down, or restrained in some other way. When this content is depicted as nonconsensual, it is of course horrifying & repulsive... 21/38

...but I'm equally concerned about the "consensual" scenes, because they normalize a cliché women have been saddled with for centuries: the idea that male dominance & female submission in sex is the "natural," even the "God-ordained," human default. 22/38

Sadly, this degrading cliché is promoted a LOT in Christian circles. Many are aware of Doug Wilson's line: a man "penetrates, conquers, colonizes, plants,” while a “woman receives, surrenders, accepts,” & “true authority & true submission are therefore an erotic necessity.” 23/38

But I want to stress that Christian people who would be troubled by Wilson's coarse & calloused stridency are still teaching & spreading the same damaging tropes about dominant & submissive gender roles that are so ubiquitous in mainstream porn. 24/38

In his new book Married Sex, Gary Thomas, (not long ago seen as a "safe" & trauma-informed author) writes: "The very act of sex speaks of profound differences in gender: forcefulness that requires gentleness, initiation that requires receiving, control met with surrender." 25/38

This language of male dominance & female submission as "natural" to the "act of sex" does—& I cannot stress this enough—a UNIVERSE of damage to the development of female (& male!) sexuality. Let me unpack it as briefly as I possibly can, starting with the "the act of sex." 26/38

There is not an "act of sex." There are many, many different "acts of sex," & framing "penis-in-vagina" intercourse as "real sex" is in itself a form of misogyny & an erasure of women's experiences, given that only 25%ish of women can reliably reach climax in this way. 27/38

Secondly, the tropes of male dominance & female submission can lead to major sexual dysfunctions for women, causing us to see our role in sex as "passive" & to see sex as something that is "done to" us—imagery that is depicted with great frequency in porn. 28/38

Internalizing our role in sex as passive can be deeply traumatic for women, leading us to associate sex with helplessness, powerlessness, loss of agency, & a sense of terror. Sex becomes a dehumanizing event we suffer through by dissociating from our bodies. This is COMMON. 29/38

And finally, these maledom & femsub tropes can lead to a legitimization of pain as a normal part of sex. Some women grit their teeth through years of dyspareunia (do. not. do. this. it. is. bad. for. you.) because they don't know painful sex is NEVER needed, normal or okay. 30/38

In porn, pain is depicted as a regular sexual experience for women, & the lines between pain & pleasure are catastrophically blurred. Unfortunately, Christian sex & marriage resources sometimes contribute directly to this dangerous messaging, often due to lack of education. 31/38

I'm not here to pick on Tim Keller, but I shall never forget the damage that was done to me by a passage in "The Meaning of Marriage" in which he casually writes about a repeated occurrence: asking his wife after sex "how was that?" & her saying "it just hurt." 32/38

As far as I can tell, Tim Keller is a loving husband & a kind man. But his lack of knowledge about women's sexual pain contributed to my belief that for some women, pain is just "part of sex." This is false, & can have serious long-term medical consequences for women. 33/38

I feel I've only just begun to unpack my subject, but it's time to bring this thread to a close. I want to conclude by reiterating that while many see American evangelical Christianity & pornography as bitter enemies, these two sexual paradigms are not so far apart. 34/38

In both Christian resources & porn, we see repeated three of the *same* ugly messages about sex:

1) Women exist *for* men.
2) Women exist *for* sex.
3) Men are dominant & women are submissive.

Porn & evangelical Christianity are two sides of the same patriarchal coin. 35/38

And while these messages certainly find their most violent & shocking forms of expression in pornography, church teachings can derive a unique stranglehold over our reason & will with their use of "thus saith the Lord" language. Both can be deadly. Both must be critiqued. 36/38

(I lost count of the number of tweets in this very long thread, and apparently there's only 36 of them. So here's 36-37/38.)

FINIS.

(Ermmm...*37-38/38. Writing this wretched thread obviously broke my brain. I quit.)