Time to say it: items & practices that reinforce a constricting "femininity" (i.e. lingerie, Brazilian waxes, painful high heels, much of cosmetic surgery etc.) don't become "not about the male gaze" just because someone announces they aren't doing them for the male gaze. 1/6 The male gaze has been shaping cultural norms for female sexuality since long before any of us were born. It's not some malicious plot. It's just that patriarchy made men the spokespersons for humanity, & men have mostly told the human story from their own perspective. 2/6

Lately I've been troubled by an issue in the exvangelical world: as folks seek recovery from a lifetime of being pushed to conform to cruel gender stereotypes, many are skipping a crucial step (learning women's history) & are rushing headlong into the pop "choice feminism." 1/11 Choice feminism, roughly put, is the idea that a woman's individual choices are inherently feminist because she IS a woman; the notion that true feminism is at its core about women embracing what they want to do. And I get why it's alluring for us exvangelicals. I really do. 2/11

🧵 I see examples of it every single day: Gen Z is crying out to tell us extreme porn is promoting r*pe culture among children & reintroducing dehumanizing sexist norms to a whole new generation of young people.

And every day I see older adults dismissing them as "prudes."

1/15 "Porn is the wallpaper that framed our lives," 23 y/o activist Sarah Soma shared with The Times yesterday. "It's far more extreme now, it's about suppression & objectification & much of the time lacks consent. All young people have seen online porn." 2/15

When I was a child, teen & young adult, I often heard conservative men I respected express the idea that "prostitution will always exist." Every time I felt overwhelmed by a tangled confusion of grief, shame, & white-hot rage, but had no words to explain why I felt that way. 1/11 Well, conservatives go on affirming this idea, & you know who else does? So-called progressives. But I'm no longer a child struggling to find words—I know now where my rage came from. Ya'll, listen to me, please: all this "oldest profession" shtick is patriarchal terrorism. 2/11

🧵 "Consent" Is Not Enough

When it comes to sexual ethics, the word of the day is "consent"—& hurrah for that, because it sure took long enough! But consent (even "enthusiastic consent") DOES NOT = healthy sexual encounters. It's time we start having that conversation. 1/9 When we talk about sexual ethics, I think it's absolutely crucial that we acknowledge & reckon with the role the past has played in shaping the present. Unfortunately, human sexuality has been fashioned & developed by an absolutely brutal history that we forget at our peril. 2/9

I am watching in real time as the push to frame "sex work" as empowering to women is in fact empowering MEN all over this website to engage in nauseating cruelty towards women in the sex trade, dismiss exited women as SWERFS, & hurl misogynistic slurs at women who challenge them. The level of hostility I am seeing towards women on the part of these self-professed sex buyers is in itself enough to convince me that this industry is fueled primarily by cruel men who hate us. And the data bears that out. (I'm dropping links below.)

🧵 How Violence Against Women is *Used* Against Women—& How We Can Do Better

Every page of human history thus far has been marked by the violent subjugation of women. I want to talk about how this history is cruelly shoved in our faces to silence us, & why it needs to stop. 1/17 I can't tell you how many times I've heard a woman raise concerns about the treatment of women in history, the Bible, or our own time only to be told some variation of "You're clearly ignorant about how bad it *could* have been. Don't you know you women used to be property?" 2/17

🧵 The Grim Link Between Pornography & Christian Marriage Resources

I've been posting a lot about how Christian sex advice does damage to women's sexuality & self-concept. Today I'll talk about what these materials have in common with something Christians hate: porn. 1/38 As a young person, I gleaned harmful messages about sex from everywhere: books, films, commercials, retail outlets, media of every kind, conversations overheard among adults. But the most dehumanizing material I've ever seen has been in Christian books & in pornography. 2/38

In his response to widespread criticism of Married Sex, @garyLthomas has attempted to discredit his critics by framing them largely as traumatized survivors who shouldn't be permitted to speak for "healthy" couples. I want to unpack that. 1/13 First of all, it's not true. That is, it's not true that the outcry about Married Sex is coming only from women who have at some point been trapped in abusive marriages. It's coming from the children of these women. It's coming from the second husbands of these women. 2/13

Some people are calling @garyLthomas' new book (Married Sex) "pornographic," & others feel that isn't fair. I've screen-capped my perspective below.

(This is from my Facebook comment on Andrea Aleksandrova's post here: facebook.com/AndreaAleksand…) Adding on to this to say: one of the passages I find most disturbing from Married Sex is a passage I haven't heard many people talking about, but which (to me) perfectly captures why this book is damaging even for women in the healthiest possible marriages. 1/7

When I was 25 & engaged to be married, I thumbed through Every Man's Battle in a bookstore & ended up sobbing in the bathroom. This is a thread for the younger me whose exposure to awful teachings about sex made her scream into pillows & feel terribly, terribly alone. 1/16 The release of @garylthomas' problematic new book has been stirring up painful emotions for thousands of people this week—grief, fear, deep anger, loneliness, & alienation from their own sexuality. These are all-too familiar emotions for women, both religious & otherwise. 2/16

It's the era of exvangelicalism. As we leave, or work to restructure church practice, I think it's important to take stock of exactly *what* we're abandoning or reforming—because if we simply react against symptoms without identifying root causes, we're in for trouble. 1/12 Watching American evangelicalism crumbling & storming all around me, clearly making way for a New Thing (or maybe an updated Old Thing), I'm reminded of the "emerging church" movement as it took shape during my childhood & teen years. 2/12

🧵: Some Thoughts On "Sacrificial Sex"

"I don't think sacrificial sex is ever appropriate," I told my husband yesterday. And he said, "Of course not! Anyone who can enjoy having sex with someone who is making a sacrifice to participate with them has got some issues." 1/8 In his new book Married Sex, @garyLthomas acknowledges that "obligation sex" is a poor long-term strategy for relationships, & that problems arise when a woman feels she must have sex to prevent her husband from cheating on her or turning to degrading pornography. 2/8

🧵: A Lot of Women *Do* Like Sex, ACTUALLY

Yesterday's thread has been generating conversation & I have something to add. Although one of the most pressing issues produced by evangelical marriage resources is the horror of women being pressured into sex even though sex is...1/8

https://twitter.com/_Bryana_Joy/status/1446634848639139844

...not enjoyable for them, the tone taken by these authors also creates a second issue that deserves more attention: the continuous messaging telling women "God didn't design us to like sex as much as men" is frustrating & isolating to so many women for whom it rings untrue. 2/8

I want @garyLthomas (& @Zondervan!) to know that for an untold number of women, his words in Married Sex are triggering trauma responses & great anguish this week. We. are. tired. We are so, SO tired of being told that men desperately need sex & we don't. 1/9 We are SO tired of being told that our bodies have an almost-mystical power over men & that we need to use our sexuality strategically to retain our husbands' affection. We are so tired of being treated like a separate species primarily defined by our sex appeal. 2/9