Thread by @gradydoctor

1/
Today I held a hand that needed to be held. You were so afraid. So, so afraid.

You: "I don't want to die from this."
Me: "I don't want you to, either."
You: "No, I mean this shot."

I opened my mouth and then closed it. Before I could speak, you had the phone to your ear.

2/
You called someone in your family. And then someone else. One said one thing. Another said something else.

You: "I just don't know."
Me: *listening*
You: "I don't know what to do."
Me: "Tell me what you are afraid of."
You: "Dying."

Dying.

3/
Me: "I think we're both scared of the same thing. I don't want you to die either. Or get disabled, you know?"

You took out your phone and called someone else. That person said you should get it. I wanted to say, "Hello! I'm a doctor! Ask me! I can answer questions!"

But.

4/
That's the thing. I'm a doctor.

Not your cousin. Or your sister. Or your auntie. Or your goddaughter.

No. I am not. So I just sat there and waited.

Yup.

Waited for you to work out how you were feeling. And just staying still so you would know you were worth the time.

5/
You shook your head hard. And said the same thing again.

You: "I don't want to die from this."

This time I just squeezed your hand tighter. And the amazing EMT giving vaccines walked over and knelt before you. So, so gently. They gazed into your eyes.

Them: "I got you."

6/
It was so quietly beautiful, that moment. So deeply sincere and affirming. I felt your hand stop shaking.

They repeated the same three words again.

Them: "I got you."

You gave a tiny nod. And they stood up and went to get the shot.

7/
I loosened the grip on your hand but you clamped back down on it. Your eyes met mine.

You: "You gon' leave me?"

You emphasized the word "leave."

I responded by lacing my fingers into yours. You released a pent-up sigh.

You: *whispering* "Lord, protect me."

8/
They asked you which arm and together you settled on your non-dominant left. Your hand started trembling again.

You were so, so scared.

Me: "You want me to pray with you while you get it?"
You: "Pray with me? You would do that?"

This time you emphasized the word "do."

9/
Me: "I'm a person who prays. So I would do that if it would make you feel better."
You: "It would make me feel better."

And so. As an alcohol swab swiped over your deltoid and that same kind, kind EMT prepared to give you your vaccine, we both bowed our heads in prayer.

10/
The prayer was simple. A petition for your peace of mind and a hedge of protection from any threat to your health. A word of gratitude for ordering all of our steps to this place at this time.

And an extra thanks for you trusting us.

Then it was all over.

11/
We both said Amen as they placed the bandaid on your arm.

You: "I don't want to die from this."
Me: "I don't want you to die from this either."

You turned to look back at the EMT.

You: "You got me?"
Them: "I got you."
You: "Will you be the one to do my next one?"

12/
Them: "Wouldn't have it any other way."

That seemed to make you feel better. It made me feel better, too.

I wish I could say that this is the part where the fear left you. Where you wrapped us in a three-way hug and thanked us for this life-saving moment.

I cannot.

13/
But.

You did say you would come back. And that it seemed like we for real cared about you.

That was enough for me.

So now I'm just sitting here at my kitchen table quietly reflecting. On you and on awesome interprofessional team members. On your feelings and more.

14/
On how praying looks a lot of ways & how that EMT kneeling before you was as religious an experience as any I've ever had. On how much of a privilege it is to bear witness & to be present & to hold your hand & for you to let me.

And on how glad I am you got vaccinated.

15/
So very glad.

Whew.

I'm so, so thankful to be where I am doing what I am doing with so many wonderful people at a time such as this.

Damn, I am.

Yeah.

#BlackWhysMatter
#ATimeSuchAsThis
#NoJudgmentZone