Oh my goodness we're just a couple of weeks away from the start of my favourite bit of Christmas: reading articles about winter wonderlands that are fucking shit.
"It's been hard enough for kids this year and they were really looking forward to this but it turned out to just be a burger van in a car park and bloke in a Santa costume off of Amazon. Kids are still crying I am disgusted"
"Santa's elves were just women who didn't speak English in elf costumes from Ann Summers. The Santa had dirty white trainers on and stank of cigarettes. It was £45 for the whole family and when I asked for a refund the Santa just laughed but not in a 'ho ho ho' way. Disgusted"
"We'd been told to expect reindeer in the local paper but I reckon it was just someone's dog. The kids got bitten by the dog. We paid £60 for the whole family but the burgers from the van were £12 each. Disgusted"
COVID robbed me of this joy last year so I'm gonna take double helpings for 2021!
A classic from 2014!
A disappointing winter wonderland from 2017.
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🧵How British cars from the 90s are feeling a week in to the General Election
ROVER 400: Their sister called them a “piece of shit” because they’re going to vote Green and not Labour in their (very safe Tory) seat.
NISSAN PATROL: Voting Reform coz “Nigel Farage is a legend”. Thinks he will be Prime Minister. Unaware he isn’t a candidate.
FORD MONDEO: Although known to list to the left on occasion and despite a facade of sleekness they’re entirely middle of the road and will vote accordingly. Unironically described Starmer as “forensic” the other day.
🧵Here it is, my big #EastEnders catch-up thread for people who only see it when they go home for Christmas with the family. Allow me to get you all caught up on the goings-on in Albert Square in its most explosive week of the year! And this year is a DOOZY!
Sorry btw, last year’s thread was 24 posts long. This one is about 90. There’s a LOT HAPPENING.
First...here's why Dead Cindy is back. Yeah, you’ll see Cindy, it's clearly Cindy and she’s back with Ian! “HOW!?” Cindy died in childbirth in prison. But she didn’t. She was in witness protection for 25 years. Bish bash bosh. And she’s back. That’s why you’re seeing Dead Cindy.
People stop him in the street to cry and tell him he’s wonderful and fighting the good fight and also that he’s super handsome and his album is brilliant and such good music and that he should be James Bond.
Laurence Fox saw Armageddon 2 when he was on holiday in America in the summer.
Laurence Fox tried out the Nemesis at Alton Towers before the rest of the general public.
If you're clutching your pearls over Sam Smith doing nothing more risque than the same stuff that already had squares clutching pearls since forever...Elvis, Madonna, Freddie Mercury, Bowie, Christina Aguilera, Miley Cyrus, Lil Nas X and more already offended you and your ilk.
"Think of the children!" "Ban this filth!" "They're sick in the head!"
We've heard ALL of this before, you're just looking for things to be offended by and Sam Smith is your current flavour. In a year it'll be some other singer you're repulsed by for aaaalll the same shit.
"That's DIFFERENT, Elvis/Bowie/etc etc had TALENT/weren't aimed at CHILDREN/we're SEXUAL!" Just admit you're the same as a 1950s square all devastated coz a kid saw Elvis swirl his hips. You'd probably get upset that The Beatles wore their hair too long. Fckn square.
BRAS WITH CLEAR STRAPS: Whoa it looks like you aren’t even WEARING a bra! Ultimate goal when wearing strappy tops (ONE SET OF STRAPS ONLY AT ALL TIMES IN Y2K) Invisible straps don’t catch the light like a MIRROR at all PS enjoy your sweat rash
POINTY-HEM TOPS: I GUESS they’re meant to look like bandanas (?) but I don’t know…why. And…if they’re made of hot pink lycra with faux snakeskin panels…also why PS I miss my Tammy Girl hot pink lycra pointy-hem snakeskin-panel top so much.
SUPER LOW-RISE JEANS: Tight in the thigh, wide in the shin, low in the…crotch. They flatter not one part of the body, you have to spend all day pulling them up and if there’s no muffin top there’s hip bones. Hip bones! PS even low-rise thongs were never low enough.
14 years to the day since I was working on Oliver! in the West End and M1chael J@cks0n came to see it, had a backstage tour (was not interested in meeting me which will SHOCK you) and then held up the start of the show by 20 minutes coz he wouldn't stop getting up and waving.
After the show the streets were so rammed with people trying to catch a glimpse of the withered King of Pop two months before he died that I got stuck for nearly an hour in the middle of them in the van I used to get to the theatre (with dogs in the back, I was the dog handler).
Anyway, I was stuck RIGHT NEXT TO HIS TOUR BUS and he suddenly appeared at the window and pointed in to the van at the dogs and it was really creepy. It's not an amazing anecdote but it's an anecdote nonetheless.