A.V. Flox Profile picture
24 Nov, 7 tweets, 2 min read
Sporadic 202-level reminder that just because something "feels right in your body" doesn't mean that it's good for you in the long-term. Smoking cigarettes felt right in my body for years.
As @itsmeardenleigh put it during our consent dialogues: "just because you choose it and fully, enthusiastically consent to it doesn't mean it's in your highest good."
Opening up dialogue with the body isn't just acting on impulses you can suddenly access. Discernment means learning to listen and working to understand your body and get a sense of the tradeoffs it's making.
For me, smoking cigarettes was a way my body helped me manage sensory overload. After all, in order to light a cigarette, I had to go outside to the cool darkness, away from the cacophonous roar of people talking over music and the overstimulation of bodies so close together.
I eventually became dependent on nicotine, as many bodies do, but I was able to stop using it when I determined what, specifically, my body was looking for in those moments and made more options available.
The first step is reestablishing contact with your body, yes. But letting your body know you hear it doesn't mean letting it go wild. You can build trust by observing and acting on your body's no while gently examining your body's yes.
This meditation was brought to you by the extremely feminine urge to terrorize the countryside.

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More from @avflox

23 Nov
But also it's such good practice. Who doesn't hate the violence of "we need to talk" with zero context as to what? With an agenda, everyone knows what's going to be covered and can advocate for a time when they'll be appropriately resourced to have that conversation.
I also support the practice of adjourning relationship conversations to sleep, use the restroom, eat, cuddle, reestablish connection, etc. I will never see those marathon sessions where people talk and talk into exhaustion as generative.
I'm a big fan of people processing their own feelings individually before meeting to discuss a situation.
Read 4 tweets
4 Jul
Sometimes, the actions we view as "getting safe" are strategies we developed at other junctures in life -- sometimes quite early on -- that no longer work for us and are part of how we got stuck repeating the same cycle over and over.
Sometimes to break the pattern and get out of a cycle, we have to try something different, something that feels a bit scary or upsetting or not-like-us.
I'm going to tell you a story about a dysfunctional pattern I cocreated with a partner. The pattern will feel familiar to anyone with an attachment injury.
Read 29 tweets
5 Aug 20
One of the things we discuss in transformative justice when confronting harm is how the community -- people and organizations both -- intentionally and unintentionally enabled the harm to occur and to continue.
"When we focus only on abusers, we individualize something that is often a community problem." -- @theleilaraven
Enabling harm can take a million forms. It happens when we don't check our friends when we learn they've done something out of alignment with their values. It happens when we tell those harmed by friends that they must have misunderstood what happened, instead of listening.
Read 20 tweets
28 Jan 20
Today I took the first step on the long road to understanding, changing and doing repair for actions that contributed to harm in a process that was retraumatizing for one of the survivors involved. I share this here with the permission of the survivor.
I share it because I believe harm is a community matter, not only a personal matter. Even if the harm happens when we are trying to help, it is important to listen and take steps to understand, change where necessary, and repair.
But most importantly, I share this because writing a book about how to intervene in harm doesn't mean I am not capable of harm. We are all capable of harm and we are all responsible for addressing the harm we do.
Read 4 tweets
22 Jun 19
Mixed signals happen when we act out of alignment. I've been there -- people who avoid our own feelings are notorious for this. We don't realize we are the ones who create the push-pull dance of ambivalence.
I was talking to a good friend about this last night. She told me a man she was dating seemed surprised that women keep having feelings when he's clearly verbalized to them he's not emotionally available, never accounting for the way he acts toward them
This is a thing those of us who disown our feelings do. We think that words speak louder than actions. We take you out to dinner, we whisk you away on romantic adventures, we escalate dramatically then we act aggrieved that you "caught" feelings.
Read 11 tweets
13 May 19
Growing up nerdy and weird, I never learned the importance of the face in connecting with others.

I loved the internet because I didn't need a face. I didn't need a gender. It was a magical time, living what sci-fi had promised -- free from the body.
I didn't have any respect for the body. I thought it was limiting -- a sad, already deprecated artifact. It afforded me some pleasures, but mostly it trapped me, limited me, and made me feel consumable. I resented it.
I didn't resent the culture that made me, as a woman, feel consumable. I misdirected my resentment toward my body. If only I could upload my consciousness, none of this would be an issue -- so I thought.
Read 26 tweets

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