I wish my life was as (ostensibly) simple as a pigeon's.

Me: if I get annoyed about something, I rant about it on Twitter.

Pigeon: if I get annoyed about something, I dance around in a circle while making cute noises.

Me: if I run out of money for food, I have a problem.
Pigeon: Money? What's that? If I run out of food, I dance around in a circle making cute noises at my human so he gives me more.

Me: If my toilet blocks, I have a problem.

Pigeon: Toilets? What are those? I shit wherever I want, all the damn time.
Me: It's hard to find a mate. It's a tough world out there.

Pigeon: All I have to do is dance around in a circle making cute noises and they just flock to me. I even have a special penthouse opposite where I take the laydeez.

Me: Bureaucracy is the bane of my life in Uruguay.
Pigeon: The bane of my life in Uruguay is my human's curtains. I'm scared of them. Yellowy orange: help! However, occasionally I defeat them, and amuse myself by sitting on my human's sofa until he wakes up.

Me: Some evil people exist in this world who could potentially kill me
Pigeon: Some evil pigeons exist in this world who try and steal my food and flap their wings at me! Ow! So I flap my wings back, dance around in a circle and make cute noises at them. Problem solved!

Me: If I feel uncomfortable, sometimes I have to stay in a particular spot.
Pigeon: If I feel uncomfortable and it's not serious, I step back onto the balcony for 5 seconds before coming straight back in again.

If it's serious, I spread my wings, fly away and am as free as a bird.

Me: Traffic is annoying and can slow my day down.
Pigeon: Traffic? What's that? I can go from 0-60 in 6.8 seconds (well, something like that) and no-one except HELP CATS HELP can stop me!

I'm not sure if I'd like to come back as a pigeon in a future life. It depends if I had a human to take care of me.
But it's not a bad life if you do.

• • •

Missing some Tweet in this thread? You can try to force a refresh
 

Keep Current with Shaun Lawson

Shaun Lawson Profile picture

Stay in touch and get notified when new unrolls are available from this author!

Read all threads

This Thread may be Removed Anytime!

PDF

Twitter may remove this content at anytime! Save it as PDF for later use!

Try unrolling a thread yourself!

how to unroll video
  1. Follow @ThreadReaderApp to mention us!

  2. From a Twitter thread mention us with a keyword "unroll"
@threadreaderapp unroll

Practice here first or read more on our help page!

More from @shaunjlawson

4 Dec
Free societies only function effectively when the citizens act within the law, with respect for and responsibility towards each other.

The UK govt has broken that social contract many times over. But so have the unvaccinated (except those who can't be so for medical reasons).
It's not about "there's only a small risk to me; I'll take my chances thanks". It's entirely about increasing the risk to everyone else.

It's also about overwhelming hospitals with unvaccinated people - so others with life-threatening conditions die.
If you've actively chosen to endanger others through your own choices of refusing the vaccine (unless, I re-emphasise, your health means you can't be vaccinated) and/or refusing even to wear a mask, you don't get to stamp your feet and whine about consequences.
Read 15 tweets
2 Dec
Nice piece @maxrushden. 👍

McCoist - who dressed up as Hearty Harry the week before the Rangers-Hearts Coca-Cola Cup Final in 1996, and when he did his big reveal, the Hearts fans laughed along with him - is quite amazing. Best summariser ever.

theguardian.com/football/blog/…
Keane definitely won't like the comparison, but he's Eamon Dunphy's true heir if you ask me. And DEFINITELY plays up to his image all the time.

I'd add James Richardson to the 'universally loved' category and take out Barry Davies: who I was in awe of but who divided opinion.
But compare and contrast McCoist's sheer love of the game with the absolutely horrendous Mark Lawrenson: whose rise coincided with the BBC's football coverage disappearing off a cliff.
Read 6 tweets
2 Dec
Since 1970, Everton, one of English football's great clubs, have finished above Liverpool on four occasions. 4 times in 51 (about to become 52) years.

Since 1970, Everton have won 5 major trophies. Liverpool have won 35 major trophies in that time.
Since 1970, Everton have played 57 games at Anfield. They've won 6 of them.

None of the above is a pop at them. It's to ask "why?" Contrary to Rafa or even Shanks' wind-ups in the past, Everton aren't a small club. And they've spent bucketloads in recent years.
So why are they so continually inferior to their biggest rivals?

And yep, they were robbed of the chance of winning the European Cup in 1986 - but that doesn't explain away half a century of near total mediocrity.
Read 7 tweets
2 Dec
Last I checked, Richard Burton has been dead for 37 years. But this is actually a really interesting clip in all manner of ways.

1. How many people instantly condemning Burgon have even watched it? Hardly any, I bet.

2. What are the UK going to achieve by condemning China? Nowt
3. Is our foreign policy full of horrific double standards from top to bottom? Yes. We do deals in blood with other evil regimes.

4. Is anti-Chinese racism growing in the UK? Yes.

5. Is the average Chinese person's carbon footprint much less than the average Briton's? Yes.
6. Is the US the only country to have ever used nuclear weapons against a people? Yes.

7. Has the US also committed genocide? Yes it has, on several occasions.

8. Is there any point to "why won't you condemn China? Why won't you condemn China?" Not really, no.

HOWEVER...
Read 11 tweets
1 Dec
And this is the response.

Ignores the facts. Ignores the detail. Doesn't even bother to do the basic maths.

And confirms entirely my thesis. On how many people simply couldn't give a shit - especially about the young.
When benefit sanctions were brought in, I found myself wondering:

"What, exactly, do the public think happens to someone with no money and no family to stay with for months?"

The answer is that plenty of them died. Not that most British people could've given a shit.
Here we are again now.

"What, exactly, do people think happens to someone who either pays 9% more than everyone else for 30 years, or if they 'never have to pay the debt', it's because THEY EARN LESS THAN MOST PEOPLE?"

The answer is: they have no future. None at all.
Read 5 tweets
1 Dec
I really, really don't think you understand.

1. Three quarters of graduates will never pay off their total debt - BECAUSE THEY WON'T EARN ENOUGH. Trapped on poor pay for their entire lives.

2. Ministers considering cutting the threshold to just £23,000

theguardian.com/education/2021…
"Graduate tax", my arse. National insurance going up (the young expected to pay for the old AGAIN)... plus income tax, plus a further 9% of anything over the threshold.

Which the government may bring down to just 23K.
The theoretical idea behind tuition fees was because graduates would earn more than everyone else.

Except they don't. The vast majority of them don't at all at any point. And we penalise and punish them regardless.

Income tax plus NI plus 9%... for what?
Read 5 tweets

Did Thread Reader help you today?

Support us! We are indie developers!


This site is made by just two indie developers on a laptop doing marketing, support and development! Read more about the story.

Become a Premium Member ($3/month or $30/year) and get exclusive features!

Become Premium

Too expensive? Make a small donation by buying us coffee ($5) or help with server cost ($10)

Donate via Paypal

Or Donate anonymously using crypto!

Ethereum

0xfe58350B80634f60Fa6Dc149a72b4DFbc17D341E copy

Bitcoin

3ATGMxNzCUFzxpMCHL5sWSt4DVtS8UqXpi copy

Thank you for your support!

Follow Us on Twitter!

:(