Thread by @DrGJackBrown

1/ THREAD: Body Language Analysis No. 4627 (Response to query): "When a man stares at me I stare right back. I hold the stare until they look away. They get upset. Someone explain this interaction scientifically." #BodyLanguageExpert #BodyLanguage #EmotionalIntelligence

https://twitter.com/romyreiner/status/1468675125952147462

2/ Short Answer: They're probably attracted to you, but they're quickly intimidated by your non-look away, the strength it implies, and your non-intimidation.

3/ In their worldview, women are supposed to acquiesce and look away in this context. But you don't. They don't know how to interpret your response.

4/ This is an analog/abbreviated form of 'Flight' and then 'Freeze' (of the well-known 'Flight or Fight or Freeze' behavior) — although, initially, much of this example just involves the eyes.

5/ Had you, instead, looked away (particularly looked down) and then looked back at them/him, blushed, and smiled — that would have been their/his 'green light' to then walk across the room and initiate a conversation.

6/ Most men often need/won't make the next move, without a signal. If it's not a signal/series of signals they expect, they're default is panic, escape, withdraw, and/or protect their perceived masculinity.

7/ They/he becomes intimidated, they don't have a script (or the confidence) for what to do next — and crucially, immediately think (largely at the level of their amygdalae), 'She's too strong for me'.

8/ Unfortunately, many men do not seek, like, or feel emotionally comfortable with strong, confident, assertive women and they retreat — first with their eyes, as they look away — ...

9/ ...and then with a larger controlled retreat as they disengage/move entirely away from the immediate environment.

10/ Ergo — Flight (his eyes look away), freeze (he's caught off-guard, thinking, 'Oh shit, she's too strong for me', and/or 'She's dominant'), and then more flight ("I better get outta here" — he then leaves the area).

11/ Of course, they may or may not be intending to flirt overtly, they may simply have been looking and got caught. Many times people are not fully cognizant of their behavior until you catch them.

12/ Now, the LONGER answer:

Their reaction upon staring back, depends crucially on the specific reason their staring was initiated. People stare for several reasons:

A. Sexual Attraction
B. Intense observation
C. Infant
D. False stare: Looking past
E. False stare: Strabismus

13/ Additional reasons for 'staring' include:

F. Overcompensation/attempting to correct a past lack of eye contact by an Autistic Person (aka one type of 'Norming' behavior)
G. Deception
H. Anger
I. Intimidation
J. Predation

14/ As alluded to earlier, most of the time (although certainly not all), in the majority public situations, men stare at a woman because they're sexually attracted — although, this should not be assumed. Context and other accompanying behaviors are crucially important here.

15/ 'Staring' is usually defined as eye contact between two people for longer than is typical, given the social context.

*Staring implies that it's done WITHOUT consent.*

16/ Something similar to staring (but yet very different) — when it involves a person we know, often in the context of intimacy and thus with consent (be it verbal or nonverbal consent) we don't call it 'staring'.

17/ In the context of intimacy, it can be referred to as 'intimate gaze'. We never think of intimate gaze as 'staring' — and our psyche and our physiology have completely different responses to this behavior. Another reason for this is the other body language accompanying it.

18/ Incredibly, there's no one word for this 'Intimate Gaze' in the English Language (but there should be).

19/ When couples have mutual, consensual, intimate gazing sessions, for 2-5 minutes at relatively frequent (several times a week — preferably spontaneously) — trust, intimacy, mutual attraction, increased sexual pleasure, and long-term bonding/Attachment all are often enhanced.

20/ Intimate mutual gazing also increases levels of Oxytocin.

21/ Intimate Gazing, as its name states, is incredibly intimate and emotionally intense — and indeed, it can be life changing, yet few people are very aware of this phenomenon — and those who are, rarely do it, or do it regularly.

22/ Staring can have as a component, 'smiling eyes' which, by definition, *always* have:

• partially closed eyelids
• temporary, concave-up furrows in the lower eyelids
• upward contracted cheeks
• mouth smile (partially suppressed or more fully expressed)

23/ Staring, more typically however, does NOT include 'smiling eyes' — rather eyelids configured in several possible ways:

• Neutral
• Partially closed, often w/ significant tension (conveying anger, predation, intimidation)
• More widely opened than normal ('feels creepy')

24/ Staring is often, though not always, accompanied by diminished frequency of blinking (which also adds to the creepiness).

25/ Although interpreting any body language in isolation (interpreting one body part only without seeing/interpreting the others) is ripe for possibility of misinterpretation, the eyes project more information (by far) than any other part of the face or body.

26/ So learn to trust what you think the other person's eyes are 'saying'. Nuance is paramount. But always evaluate the eyes in context with the rest of the face and body.

27/ Healthy, sighted infants will naturally fixate on another person's eyes — particularly their parents and other caregivers. This is a crucial component in psychological, social, healthy attachment, and empathy development.

28/ During normal development, eye contact in sighted children will diminish as they grow older and contextualize as they learn and adapt to social norms.

29/ Because it's dramatically context-related, eye contact between friends can be longer, without it feeling like staring or emotionally uncomfortable (versus the same thing, only with a stranger) — or someone with whom a person is vaguely familiar.

30/ Nuancing this point further, a stranger, staring from across a room, is different once that stranger is introduced. So, although you just met, they have an expanded 'social license' to maintain eye contact a bit longer versus only a minute before.

31/ The physical distance at which the staring takes place, also carries with it significance. The closer the two people are to each other, the more the impact.

32/ Staring in a public forum (similar to the context which you seem to be suggesting) typically occurs from a distance of about 12-30 feet (~3.7-9.0 meters), although it certainly could be closer/further.

33/ "Mamihlapinatapai" is Yaghan word (native to the Tierra del Fuego region) for which there is no English word-equivalent.

34/ "Mamihlapinatapai" describes an emotion accompanied by variations of a stare, either:

35/
• "A look that without words that is shared by two people who want to initiate something, but that neither will start"

or

• "Looking at each other hoping that the other will offer to do something which both parties desire but are unwilling to do."

or ...

36/
• "It is that look across the table when two people are sharing an unspoken but private moment. When each knows the other understands and is in agreement with what is being expressed. An expressive and meaningful silence."

37/ Staring can sometimes be due to intense observation. The person may recognize — or believe they recognize you. If they cannot remember, once 'caught' in a stare, they will often look away but then look back. If caught again, this can often be misinterpreted as predatory.

38/ If you ever find yourself guilty of this behavior, it's wise to simply walk up to the person, introduce yourself, and apologize for staring and ask them if you've met before.

39/ Although this feels awkward, it's infinitely better than leaving a person feeling like they're being stalked.

40/ Sometimes people will seem as if they're staring at you, but they may be looking past you, in the distance — and you were near to their line-of-sight.

41/ Similarly, if a person has Strabismus, their eyes are not aligned, and it can appear as if they're staring at you, ...

42/ ... but really their dominant (fixating) eye (and mind) is looking at another person/object, and their 'wandering' eye drifts to a position where it appears as if they're staring at you.

43/ Strabismus often dramatically affects psychosocial development, so consult with a pediatric ophthalmologist/strabismus surgeon to correct this problem.

44/ In the midst of deception, the amount of eye contact rarely stays the same. It almost always either:

• Diminishes
• Increases

45/ This pattern variation is nuanced, though. When eye contact decreases with a lie, they usually (but not always) look down to their right. This pattern is seen more often during longer, open-ended answers or full sentences.

46/ If a person answers with a lie to a "yes or no question", there's usually a quick blink (slightly longer in duration than usual) and then they rapidly usually look left or right for a split second (but sometimes down).

47/ The important thing in this context, is that *they look away while answering*.

48/ Sometimes during deception, people will stare & while good eye contact is important during any conversation, when it *feels like a stare*, even if just for a few seconds, in the midst of an answer or statement, this should raise a red flag/at least the possibility of a lie.

49/ During Anger, sometimes people will look away. We look away subconsciously — and doing so will serve as a de-escalation tool, an attempt at diminishing our anger.

50/ Conversely, staring amidst anger, will escalate the anger. As the anger grows, this staring, in turn, increases the likelihood of verbal anger crescendoing to physical anger (thus staring is an anger-escalator).

51/ Sometimes a person is motivated primarily by intimidation — which is sometimes, but not always, a lesser form of predatory behavior. At such times, staring deliberately is used as a nonverbal weapon, and this often progresses to higher levels of predation.

52/ If, say, your boss begins staring at you after initially being 'only' angry — the probability of you being fired just went up significantly.

53/ Predatory staring is, of course, dangerous. Like all staring, blinking is rare, and it's often accompanied by a blatant intensity — as if their eyes are locked on to you. Unlike the scenario initially presented above, this person often doesn't look away.

54/ Although not necessarily intending physical violence, a person who is predatory is dangerous — and you should always interact with predatory behavior with great caution (most of the time, with a controlled withdrawal).

55/ Their intent is to do you harm. If it is physical harm, it may not always be with a conventional weapon.

56/ If you stare at a person who is predatory, in many settings (but not all), it will increase the likelihood of their inciting violence.

57/ Predation is often accompanied by a wide stance of their legs and feet (stability, preparing for physical action).

58/ If stalking/trying to surprise their victim, the perpetrator's torso may be pointed in one direction, while their feet are pointed toward their potential victim (the lead with their feet).

59/ The eyes will move back and forth (left and right) oscillating — aligned with their torso, then their feet, then their torso, then feet, etc.

60/ Predation is often accompanied by an expansion of the chest and torso (inhalation of deep breath, preparing for physical action, tautening of muscles, etc.). The person with predatory intent will often stand taller as the 'moment-of-action' draws near.

61/ Predation is often stealthy. Think of behavior similar to that of a shoplifter — they're trying to look like they're being casual, but their intent and attention seems off. They will be intermittently looking at their victim (and their getaway route).

62/ Of course, some predatory staring is less obvious. Taken to extreme, Charles Manson is an example of an intense a stare — while Ted Bundy is an example of a bit less, but still intense, stare.

63/ This is another reminder to look at the entire context — all the body language, and, if available, verbal and paralanguage cues as well.

64/ Mid-facial tension, nostril flaring, a clenched jaw, a forward thrusting jaw — are all signs of crescendoing intensity and danger.

65/ Along with staring, predatory behavior is often, although not always, is accompanied by:

• Thinning of the upper lip
• Flaring of the nostrils
• Tightening of the 'mustache area'
• Clenching of the Jaw
• Forward Thrusting Jaw

66/ Predation is almost always accompanied by tension in the hands. Look for tight fists, opening and closing of fists, objects being held become weapons.

67/ Another very telling facial expression in these scenarios is an elevated central forehead contraction (Elevated CFC) together with a partial mouth pseudo 'smile' (this is NOT a true, Duchenne Smile). It's accompanied by an upward turning of the inner (medial) eyebrows.

68/ This kind of expression should set off your internal alarm bells — but unfortunately, not everyone will sense the danger.

69/ While we all make this expression from time-to-time, those who particularly display it often, have an extremely high incidence of sociopathy-psychopathy (APD).

70/ A maxim to remember is: whenever there's even the possibility of physical danger, always, always listen to your instincts.

71/ Ignore every other element of third party peer-pressure, pressure from the possible perpetrator, and your own internal peer pressure — LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCTS.

Ω