Thread by @TillyBridges

Welcome to #TransTuesday! This is the penultimate part of the INTENTIONAL TRANS ALLEGORY OF THE MATRIX REVOLUTIONS, aka part 3! This one is all very much about finding and confronting our internalized transphobia.

As always, please be sure you’ve read part 1 of these Revolutions threads (as well as the prerequisite threads on The Matrix and Reloaded linked therein):

https://twitter.com/TillyBridges/status/1465750741298008065

Picking up right where we left off, with Neo’s contentious conversation with the Oracle/his heart, not knowing how to exist in this world that does everything in its power to erase him.

Right after Oracle says “He is you,” (referring to Smith/transphobia), we cut to Bane waking up. Remember that Bane is a human/trans person, and Smith is in control of him/inside him. He’s the personification of our internalized transphobia, a self-hating trans person.

So let’s talk about that a little. What do I mean when I talk about “internalized transphobia?” I’m a trans woman, I certainly don’t hate trans women. But it’s not that easy, because of all the numerous ways society fucks with us. Let me give you an example that still bothers me.

For a long time (much, much too long), I felt like I wasn’t “allowed” to call myself a lesbian.

I’m a woman. I’m attracted to women. Yet I didn’t feel it would be right for me to use that word, because I didn’t think I was “allowed” to. This is 100% TERF logic. It’s wrong and it’s awful and it’s bullshit. If you’re not familiar with TERFs:

https://twitter.com/TillyBridges/status/1305948066550173696

It didn’t even occur to me how wrong it was until I saw OTHER trans women calling themselves lesbians, and I wouldn’t stand for anyone saying they weren’t. Which is when it occurred to me that… they are because THEY (we) ARE WOMEN.

But I couldn’t apply it to myself at first, because society taught me that wasn’t “right.” And it wasn’t overt, there’s no “only cis women can be lesbians” billboards and PSAs, though I’m sure some folks would love if there were.

The simple fact of being born into this society, being raised in it, instilled that in my brain, in my heart, in my soul. When I saw it applied to others, I instantly knew how wrong it was. But applied to myself? At first I couldn’t see it at all.

And this is what I mean by “internalized transphobia.” I absolutely do not consciously hate trans people. In fact, I consciously love us. A lot. But these things get ingrained into us without our knowledge, and we have to find them and work to stamp them out.

Neo, Bane, and Trinity all look basically the same in the “real” world. Bane is Neo’s own internalized transphobia, his worries that maybe he doesn’t deserve to exist in society if the only choice is endless fights or fetishization. He’s even got a Denial Beard! (tm)

You don’t need a big explanation for those, they’re exactly what you think. I grew one once, too. Well see, I can’t be trans, I HAVE A BEARD! I attempted to grow mine for years before accepting that I was trans.

But the dysphoria it gave me made me shave it off before too long, even though I couldn’t have told you it was dysphoria at the time.

31:41 - Our internalized transphobia is making the lights go out. It’s getting darker. It’s harder to see.

32:35 - Sati: “He’s following us.” We try to run from transphobia, but there’s no escape. It finds us, no matter where we go. The walls around our heart, even our fear, is subsumed by transphobia.

34:55 - Smith corrupts/converts even the Oracle. The transphobia’s inside our heart, corrupting us from within.

35:28 - And yeah, it’s fuckin’ creepy to find parts of yourself that unwillingly/unconsciously hate who you are.

35:56 - Bane notes his wounds are self-inflicted, which is exactly what internalized transphobia is. Society put it there, to be sure, but we’re the ones who acted on it. And we have to recognize it and choose to fight it instead. Yet another battle on another front.

36:00 - Bane: “Why would I do something like that to myself? Unless, of course, I wasn’t myself. But if I’m not me, then who am I?” I mean, like, this is some of the very shit internalized transphobia makes you wonder.

Bane’s showing “fresh fibrotic scarring throughout the cortex.” Do you remember where Neo worked in the first movie, Metacortex? And how the meaning of that was he needed to transcend beyond the boundary of his perception of himself?

Neo’s perception, his memory, the things you need to identify and know your true self, are SCARRED. Internalized transphobia is calling his entire identity into doubt.

36:49 - Neo sees the conduits, red on them (trust it’s there, though the screencap doesn’t show it well). This is all leading somewhere, but he can’t see where, which is consistent with what he’s been afraid of through all of Revolutions so far.

37:25 - The Logos is found. But it needs a full diagnostic. Our logic isn’t helping us, because something’s wrong.

38:53 - Niobe: “You can put that shit away boys, all she needs is a jump.” Our confidence returns, sure that we can get back up and running.

39:38 - Lock: “...in every simulation we’ve run, we’ve seen that once the machines are inside the city the odds of our survival decrease dramatically.” Lock is still our (well-founded) fear, and here it’s that if the HATE gets INSIDE US, it could lead to our demise. Which it can.

All of the prep for the machines entering Zion is letting you know this isn’t just Neo’s problem. It’s ALL of our problem. Society forces the internalized transphobia into all of us, and we ALL have to work to fight it.

42:25 - To wit, even those who’ve been out and self-actualized for a long time, like Mifune, need the help of the kid, and vice versa. Fighting transphobia, external or internal, is something we all need help to do.

Going back to my earlier example, it was only in seeing and standing up for other trans women’s right to self-identify as lesbians did I find my own ability to self-identify that same way.

42:42 - Kid: “The machines don’t care how old I am. They’ll kill me just the same.” Young or old, whether you just came out or have been out for decades, transphobia comes for all of us.

44:31 - Trying to find a way to deal with this, to save the ability for us to still feel joy in our lives, Niobe is sure she can pilot a ship down through the mechanical line. It won’t be easy, but our confidence is confident (obvs) that it can save us.

45:12 - Neo’s going to go into the heart of enemy territory to try to put an end to this. His confidence tells him logic (the Logos) will get him there. Note Neo’s now in BLUE, the doubt is still in him, but it no longer paralyzes him.

What this is saying is that logically, if society’s going to try to “correct” us or end us, and have even made us hate ourselves, the only thing to do about it is CHANGE. SOCIETY. And he’s in blue because he doesn’t know if that’s possible.

46:53 - Bane: “What if I don’t want to remember?” What if our own internalized transphobia made us do things in the past we’re ashamed of? What if we did things, said things, even voted a certain way that made life worse for trans people?

“I might not be very safe for me.” Well sure, our transphobia harms us as well, first and foremost. “Of course it might not be safe for you, either.” NOBODY is safe from it.

48:12 - Trinity: “You don’t think you’re coming back. I knew it the moment you said you had to leave.” Our self-actualization realizes how dangerous our own transphobia is and how the fight to change society could well be the end of us. And so Trinity’s of course going with Neo.

48:54 - Even if society made him hate himself, even if society is trying to end him, he will remain self-actualized until the very end. If it kills him, he will die as his true self. Even with doubts, even up against the impossible, we embrace our true selves.

49:42 - Even Neo’s subconscious isn’t sure this is going to work, but is glad to have gotten him to this point.

50:42 - Before they can leave, the lights go out. Again. The darkness inside us threatens our success.

51:08 - Bane is on the ship (again, the transphobia is inside): “No one ever got away from me as many times as you did.” We can escape transphobia from time to time, but until it’s dealt with permanently, it will continue to cause problems for us.

Some of us have overcome it, at least temporarily, enough to transition, but it’s still there (like in my own earlier personal example). Some of us transition while never escaping it at all, like the Merovingian.

51:51 - The red inside Bane, again, his own transness that makes him hate himself. No matter how MUCH society makes you hate yourself for being trans, it still doesn’t change your transness. It’s not being trans that must change, but the transphobia society foists upon us.

52:40 - Bane: “MISTER Anderson.” The misgendering and deadnaming call is coming from inside the house. Neo could end his transphobia here, but ONLY by also ending his self-actualization.

And yeah, one way to end (or more accurately, hide) your internalized transphobia is to reject your true self and deny your transness. But Neo’s already been through this battle and made his choice, multiple times, over and over, despite everything he’s been through.

So he will not give up being his true self just to make his internalized transphobia go away. Bane cuffs Trinity and drops her down a deck, hiding Neo’s self-actualization from him. Our transphobia can hide our true selves from us.

Bane does a little monologue here, calling back to the one Smith gives in the first movie. On the surface about the “smell” of humans, but in allegory about society’s hatred of trans people, this is again about the “inconvenience” of our existence.

Except now BANE is saying them. These thoughts rattle around Neo’s head, making him doubt and hate himself for things entirely out of his control. We can’t choose if we’re trans, and being trans is only difficult BECAUSE SOCIETY MAKES IT THAT WAY.

54:36 - Neo’s not buying it, and so Trinity frees herself. Transphobia will not stop his self-actualization. Bane: “Look past the flesh. Look through the soft gelatin of these dull cow eyes and see your enemy.”

Neo has REALIZED his own internal transphobia, and knowing that it’s the evil society put into you that’s the problem, and not your own true feelings, is the first step to stopping it.

55:08 - Bane: “There’s nowhere I can’t go, there’s nowhere I won’t find you.” Again, can’t outrun or escape internalized transphobia, because it’s, y’know… internalized.

56:20 - The ensuing fight is brutal, and Neo’s seriously wounded. Note his eyes are now RED. Confronting his own transphobia has led to him seeing only the TRUTH.

When you remove all the lies society implanted in you, the self-hate it made you feel, what’s left? Only the truth, which we can finally see better than ever before.

Bane calls Neo a “blind messiah,” but our internalized transphobia always lies to us, that’s what it does. Everything it says to us is lies, and so is this. Because Neo’s not blind.

Bane: “Helpless. Pathetic. Just waiting to be put out of your misery.” Just so many lies we tell ourselves, because that’s what society told us about trans people our whole lives.

57:07 - Neo: “I can see you.” Just like I said, Neo’s not blind. And he sees Smith for what he really is, society’s fear of trans people living within him (and he’s yellow, because transphobia is literally the fear of we who are different).

57:24 - Now able to see clearly for the first time, Neo knows what his internalized transphobia is and where it came from, and can end it.

Our internalized transphobia is finally recognized and dealt with. Where do we go from here? We’ll find out next time when we wrap up and confront society, as we push for a better future… for all of us.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.