Thread by @JonnElledge

This is probably my last day doing any real work until New Year, and nobody brought Hungry Hungry Hippos to school, so let's do something else dumb instead:

Tweet me an English county and I will tell you my objective and objectively terrible opinion of it.

Wow, this was a way worse idea than I thought it was, bloody hell. Going to limit myself to one every five minutes or so or I won't get anything done and it won't be my last working day after all.

CHESHIRE: Northern Surrey. Lots of big houses, full of footballers probably? But about 3% as nice as it thinks it is. Contains Crewe, which I imagine that the residents of Wilmslow etc would quite like to put in the West Midlands

https://twitter.com/gj4man/status/1473278538727972864

DERBYSHIRE: The actual middle of England! Rural with sticky up bits. I imagine the people there to be terrible based largely on a column I once read about how the villagers think it's London that's the bubble. Derby is Nottingham's Croydon, plus aerospace

https://twitter.com/Olivia_LDN/status/1473280315082878978

COUNTY OF LONDON: Far small, needs replacing. Oh wait we did.

https://twitter.com/DomWeldon/status/1473280110484725762

CUMBRIA: Probably the most successful country made up in 1974? Actually 2.5 trad counties (Cumberland, Westmorland, part of Lancashire) but won acceptance in a way e.g. Humberside didn't.

Pretty. Remote. Pretty remote. Had a nice day in Carlisle once.

https://twitter.com/lifewithnoirony/status/1473279201889427463

BERKSHIRE: The only -shire county whose name doesn't come from a town: the "Berk" bit comes from the name of a wood on a hill. Anyway, it's a stupid shape, too long and thin. "Royal" because of Windsor, even though it includes Reading. Hmm

https://twitter.com/ElliottCal_/status/1473285885106008065

(A ridiculous thing I used to do in my yoof was go clubbing in Reading once a month with @manueky, get the first train back and wake up somewhere around Vauxhall surrounded by commuters. Great days)

@manueky Okay, but no cos that one's mine, so

ESSEX: Flat. Dull. Surprisingly empty until about 1900 (malaria). But some nice coast and pretty villages and the longest pier in the world and far, far less up itself than Surrey which is of course the worst one

https://twitter.com/DameBear/status/1473289560041869315

@manueky SHROPSHIRE: Named for Shrewsbury (no really, look it up). For many years the only county in England without a direct train to London. Wem is a funny name but the place just went up in my estimation for some reason

https://twitter.com/jfefleming/status/1473290509623955470

The two words both started as Scrobbesburh and evolved in different directions. Look I explained all this nearly five years ago, do keep up

citymonitor.ai/community/wher…

https://twitter.com/AndyinBrum/status/1473291058608025606

MERSEYSIDE: It's Greater Liverpool, come on. Liverpool is a wonderful city that feels like it doesn't have enough people. Which it doesn't, because they all moved to the outer boroughs. Liverpool can be great again! Extend scousehood to the wools!

https://twitter.com/MarkAAllerton/status/1473294204650598410

RUTLAND: Great TV & pop music scene for a county that doesn't exist

https://twitter.com/LParker_tweets/status/1473293039900708870

Just fell down a rabbit hole trying to work out why Rutland exists. Was a detached part of Notts, but sometimes referred to as a county in its own right since the 1100s. Yet I can't help but suspect the promotion of the local peer from Earl to Duke was a factor.

KENT: The north bit looks like Essex, the west bit looks like Surrey. Which is geographically pleasing. Anyway, love Kent, lots of nice coast and pretty countryside. Let's be honest, it's the best of the home counties isn't it.

https://twitter.com/BarrieCunning/status/1473297850763288581

Jim is trying to trick me into engaging in an act of English imperialism, so if you or anyone you know are Welsh I suggest you respond to him directly on the matter, he'd love to hear from you

https://twitter.com/jimwaterson/status/1473302367961595905

GLOUCESTERSHIRE: Erm. There's a forest there where you got beaten up? Trains going to Cheltenham have to reverse at Gloucester? North Bristol was Gloucestershire. Some Cotswold? So yeah turns out I don't have that many views sorry.

https://twitter.com/andy_pwright/status/1473304374281740291

SUFFOLK: Ipswich is under-rated while also not being that great. I have some depressing memories of Newmarket and Bury St Edmunds in winter. The Suffolk coast is some of the loveliest in these islands, however.

https://twitter.com/salvey1/status/1473283793519890432

HUMBERSIDE: I never really understood why anyone made it a county in the first place. It wasn't in Redcliffe-Maude; the two sides of the river were barely connected until the Humber Bridge opened in 1981. I have no idea why anyone thought this was a place.

https://twitter.com/copperbird/status/1473307930770522113

EAST SUSSEX: Okay, so I'm a bit hazy on why there are two Sussexes? Yeah it's quite big but it's not *Yorkshire* big. Anyway, Brighton's fine, Hastings is better, the Seven Sisters is a lovely walk on a sunny day, the downs are pretty.

https://twitter.com/rachel_grrr/status/1473315239508815872

WEST SUSSEX: I've been trying and I can't think of an opinion. First time I did Labour conference I booked a hotel in Worthing because I was young and stupid as opposed to just stupid, and it sucked.

Still think this is too many Sussexes.

https://twitter.com/PaulWellman_/status/1473318137835753475?t=zvwaLPo42JhfkhJWllRrCg&s=19

no, Essex is the way, there's a whole TV show about it

https://twitter.com/harry_lye/status/1473322180037464064

look is anybody out there keeping track of which ones I've done? one of you people must be colouring in a map, I know my followers

NORTHAMPTONSHIRE: I imagine it hates Hampshire with a passion. Northampton itself surprisingly good for startups. Corby used to be the largest town without a station but now has one. Lot of Scots. Something about shoes? Peterborough, bafflingly, was a soke

https://twitter.com/tompradio/status/1473328403671654405

MIDDLESEX: Okay, let's do this. Sort of merged with metroland in my mind, even though metroland extended into Herts & Bucks. No one ever questions whether the Middx suburbs are in London, which made me jealous in Essex. Something about cricket?

https://twitter.com/Alistair_King/status/1473332227794690054

Only just hit me I'm in what used to be Middlesex right now. Doesn't feel like it. Huh. Anyway, go back far enough and Middlesex was all just western Essex anyway, so.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT NOT ONE OF YOU HAS DONE THIS, WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THE MAGIC OF MY TWITTER FOLLOWERS

https://twitter.com/JonnElledge/status/1473323612358811663

Okay, let's do this.

YORKSHIRE: Lot going for it. Some beautiful views! Some great cities (almost as good as the ones across the Pennines)! York! But my issue, as with *Surrey*, is that people there seem so pleased with the place in a way that makes me want to be rude about it

https://twitter.com/A_C_McGregor/status/1473336769596866560

THIS IS EXACTLY THE PROBLEM, ALISDAIR.

I once received a furious email including the line, "We in god's own county are a bit sick of Manchester's self-aggrandisement." I mean.

https://twitter.com/A_C_McGregor/status/1473338047832141824

Yes! why is it so big? why wasn't it divided into about five different counties?

https://twitter.com/DamienHellewell/status/1473338603044495365?t=PeFzLKYoCWT2onnFcsXqug&s=19

Anyway:

WEST YORKSHIRE: Needs trams. In denial about being Greater Leeds.
SOUTH YORKSHIRE: Has trams. In denial about being Greater Sheffield, also basically the Paris commune in 1870.
EAST YORKSHIRE: In denial about the existence of Hull.
NORTH YORKSHIRE: Pretty, vacant.

Yorkshire also produced James Ball, alas.

https://twitter.com/jamesrbuk/status/1473345289989804036

Not sure I've been to proper LANCASHIRE, only the Scouse/Manc bits. Erm. Pendle Hill? Brassic? Blackpool Tower? I do think it striking that, east of the Pennines, the Yorkshire identity dominates, while in the west the city ones do. Answers on a postcard

https://twitter.com/BriW74/status/1473348409641869314

LEICESTERSHIRE: Another I've never been to. Leicester is the largest UK city I've never visited. My views shaped entirely by Adrian Mole. Pork pies? Textile industry? I'm imagining it as quite flat. That's all I've got, sorry

https://twitter.com/maggiephilbin/status/1473310308714401797

(That's enough counties for today, I will return to the matter tomorrow)

DEVON: Surprisingly close to London. In my mind it's always sunny and they're always eating cream tea but I'm a bit hazy about where the jam goes. Some nice coastline. I should go back

https://twitter.com/magslhalliday/status/1473340309778145280

CORNWALL: Surprisingly far from London, given it's literally next to Devon. Some absolutely spectacular coastline, though, even if it's delusional to think Truro counts as a city. Top county, even if I'm not sure it actually counts as English

https://twitter.com/flashboy/status/1473289893455532034

WILTSHIRE: Named after a tiny village called Wilton, just outside Salisbury. Crop circles. *Stone* circles. Avebury. Stonehenge. Army base. Swindon. I accidentally stayed there the other week because Bath is surprisingly closed to the border.

https://twitter.com/JamesUpsher/status/1473627507328958475

LINCOLNSHIRE: Huge, flat and empty. Basically single-handedly responsible for making it impossible to break England into regions because bits of it look to Yorkshire, bits to the fens, and bits to the Midlands. I hear great things about Lincoln, though.

https://twitter.com/BiereHunter/status/1473632968715427847

OXFORDSHIRE: Much more of it should be covered in housing to sort Oxford's housing crisis out. Beyond that. Er. Cotswolds. Not sure if it's south or midlands. Big white horse? Stole bits of Berkshire. Fine

https://twitter.com/jthomaspolitics/status/1473638349801930754

THE ISLE OF WIGHT: The sort of place you would feel relieved to come across a Pret.

https://twitter.com/Iceship/status/1473644099471355907

WORCESTERSHIRE: I remember Worcester feeling like a *big city* when I visited, which means I must have been a *small child*. Beyond that, I only know the bits in suburban Birmingham. Some nice hills? Convenient for Ambridge

https://twitter.com/StevieClaridge/status/1473656311028060167

NORFOLK: "Broads", but presumably not in the old timey-New York sense? Flat, empty, population probably not as inbred as wankers claim, but surprisingly long way from London. Norwich is perfect.

https://twitter.com/OliverJ0/status/1473661636451971074

the fact more than one person replied to this with "I'll take that" suggests that Norfolk people have quite low self esteem

Well, someone who shall remain nameless accidentally gave the puppy lucozade so I'm going out before it kicks in.

HERTFORDSHIRE: What's the point of it? No discernable personality, either physically or socially. Girl I once knew from Harpenden maintained it was posh, but Cheshunt. It exists, that's all. I quite like Letchworth

https://twitter.com/daveoneillsf/status/1473698228071710729?t=8zWy9pV0rWu9X3cIN3aebg&s=19

BUCKINGHAMSHIRE: This is true! I grew up thinking it was posh, then I went to uni and the kids from Bucks were exactly the same as the people from Essex. At least Bucks has some nice hills, mind.

https://twitter.com/PhilPowell72/status/1473699784481456136?t=uSrEyJV5CQ7p5K1Rahks1w&s=19