Thread by @robicellis

Okay so who’s ready to have their entire Christmas fucked up with the story behind my clown art? You guys better have a fainting couch close at hand, because hoo boy are you going to need it.

Even though I only started drawing last month, this story starts three years ago, just before Christmas, with me in an antique store frantically trying to figure out what to get my husband. It’s hard to shop for a man you’ve been with for (at the time) 14 years!

Sure, I could buy him some mindless “dad” bullshit online, but we’re talking the love of my life here. My best friend in the whole wide world. I hoped that maybe I could dig something unique at a dusty madhouse of and antique store, and… I found it. The perfect gift.

BEHOLD! The July 1988 issue of Playboy magazine, with every young boys dream girl — Cindy fucking Crawford! — stark naked on a beach in all sorts of erotic poses. It was glorious. The perfect gift, from the (mostly) perfect wife. Little did I know how perfect it actually was.

I, not knowing much about Playboy, had assumed that the cover girl was also the centerfold. When I went to wrap it, I learned that Cindy Crawford was not the centerfold; it was a young, blonde California girl who wanted to break into show business. And that girl’s name was…

THE GREATERRI: SEXUAL CLOWN

I have been kind enough to cover up all of The GreaTerri’s naughty bits for you, but you can use your imagination to figure out what’s behind those red scribbles. (NIPPLES!)

Now here’s the problem: once you’ve gotten your husband the greatest Christmas gift in human history, how do you top it? How can you possibly show someone the depth of your love once you’ve given them the gift of clown pornography?

Maybe by — oh, I don’t know — TEACHING YOURSELF HOW TO DRAW AND MAKING HIM A WHOLE BUNCH OF CLOWN ART AND HANGING IT AROUND THE HOUSE SO HE ALWAYS HAS TO THINK ABOUT THE CHRISTMAS CLOWN PORNOGRAPHY.

And so, I’ve spend the past month drawing clowns while we hang out at night, asking his opinions while he asks “what the fuck is wrong with you?”

Crazy enough, his favorite one has been this gem I few yesterday, which isn’t even a clown, but a dancer from an Outkast video. Even I’m freaked out by this one. (I still have some tiny details to add, but she scares me too much so I’m putting it off)

But if you’re worried about my husband ONLY getting clown art/pornography this Christmas, fear not. This has also been about teaching myself to draw well enough to make him a very special, non-clown portrait. I’ll post that after he opens it on Christmas Day.

Will I continue to draw clowns after Christmas? Probably. I have developed a lot of love and appreciation for them on this journey, and I’ve also brought Clown @ChuckWendig into this world. The clowns chose me as much as I chose them. We are one now.

Thus concludes the story behind my clown art, as well as the story of how I’m the best fucking wife in the history of marriage. We’ll be together 17 years next spring, and he ain’t going anywhere. Mostly because he’s scared the clowns will come to life and murder him.

Come back next Christmas for the sequel: THE WOMEN OF 7-ELEVEN.

Oh fuck, I almost forgot! There’s another VERY important detail to this Christmas story… what ever happened to The GreaTerri? Did she make it in show business? Well I don’t know how her circus career turned out, but in Hollywood she only nabbed herself a few tiny roles.

The GreaTerri’s first movie role was a bit part in Lethal Weapon, but she ended up on the cutting room floor. Her SECOND role, however, became a classic. Sure, it was a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it moment, but it’s a movie that will live on for every Christmas ever…

DIE HARD. GREATERRI THE EROTIC CLOWN IS THE GIRL IN THE AIRPORT IN DIE HARD. Merry Christmas everybody!

Quick reminder that I also started selling NFTs of my clown art because I intend to spend the rest of my life taking this whole joke way too far. At its core, marriage is vowing to troll the same person relentlessly til the day you die.

opensea.io/collection/c-s…