Thread by @imaracingmom

🧵🧵🧵🧵🧵
It has taken me months, but the good news is I've finally moved past denial.
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The bad news is I woke up in full blown anger and I'm a hot mess. I've never handled anger well. Not other people's and not mine. Other people's anger makes me feel fear. I know pain is coming, be it physical or emotional, I know angry people are going to hurt me.
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You'd think after so much experience on the receiving end of people's anger, I'd be better at dealing with my own. Nope, it is a source of failure for me. I either bottle it up and cry, lash out at people, or do and say really stupid things.
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It took me a long time to even realize that I'm grieving. I'm grieving for a thing, not a person. I didn't realize we could grieve over things, but here I am, losing a thing and I'm really struggling with how to deal with it.
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Normally, when grieving my coping mechanism is to keep busy with projects, to help others, to be extra kind. But it's not working this time. I'm lost. Almost everything I do as far as keeping busy goes has ties to what I'm grieving for. So it's not an escape, it's a reminder.
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I would expect that the most tragic events in my life that caused grief would be the passing of my Mom and my still born son. But the grief I feel now is way more intense. I feel very guilty to feel more grief for a thing than the passing of my own mother.
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Maybe it was helpful I grieved for my mom long before she died. When her mental illness consumed her and she was no longer the person she used to be. And she suffered so much before she died. Maybe the relief of her not suffering lessoned the grief when she passed.
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All I know right now is that I'm angry at the world. At people who aren't even at fault. I probably should take a break from social media, etc., before I say things I'll regret later. Words have always been my weapon of choice when I'm angry. They have so much power.
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I really need to figure out a way to handle this better. What's going on in my head right now isn't healthy.
Reading, music, videos, projects, volunteering - none of my usual tools are helping.

I'm so lost.... 💔❤️‍🩹💔
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