Thread by @shaunjlawson

THREAD: On 'politeness', whatever it may or may not mean to you.

This is Twitter. The business model does not encourage listening to or being kind to each other. It does encourage conflict... about pretty much everything. And the most dogmatic viewpoints get the most shares.

Online, I think *everyone* is more dogmatic than offline. And more tribal as well. "You're with us or against us".

And on all sorts of issues, I've seen tons of people taken down for the crime not of disagreeing, but of not agreeing *enough* about one thing or another.

"Traitor! There's a traitor in our midst! Burn them! Pile on them! Make them see the error of their ways!"

It's so bad at times that what's actually being discussed is literally drowned out in a whole hail of rage. Because the absolute worst must be thought of someone, or else.

Here's what I think of pronouns. I think the obsession with them is ludicrous - and if I was ever asked mine, I'd refuse to answer and ask people to just move on.

Not least because I don't care how I'm referred to by others when I'm not around. It's none of my business.

But within that, there is a line. Imagine if smears started being spread about me on here. I'd find it difficult to just ignore that.

I've experienced that very thing online in the past. Vicious, nasty, hateful stuff, including about my family. And I couldn't ignore that.

And while yes, part of growing up involves not worrying so much about what other people think of us, there's a line there too. On two levels.

1. If you don't care *at all* about what anyone thinks of you, you're liable to turn into... Boris Johnson.

2. What if while growing up or as an adult - or both - you are routinely ridiculed and demeaned? By huge numbers of people you come into contact with?

Having shit to deal with, pain, suffering is part of the human condition. We all have our own trials and adversity to face.

Bullying is rampant. In schools, at university, in offices all over the world. So is gossip, and petty oneupmanship, and horribly competitive, nasty behaviour. From men and from women too.

There's one thing the best parents never tolerate in their kids. Meanness.

Because if they aren't taught that meanness is wrong, they'll grow up and be even more mean to others.

I've certainly known plenty of meanness throughout my life. And bullying. And being loathed simply for existing. And I'm going to set out what that did to me.

I've always been very sensitive. My late gran said that when I was little, if someone else was upset, my eyes would fill with tears.

My parents started openly ridiculing my sensitivity when I was barely 6 months old. And to any child, what their parents say is the truth.

So when my Mum would routinely tell me that I was an "old man", I absorbed it fully. When she'd also say "thankyou" when I told her I loved her, I absorbed that too.

From age 8 or 9, I started ballooning in weight. Seeking solace by gorging on anything I could get my hands on.

Very quickly, my self-esteem started to fall. Aged 12, I stopped socialising altogether. One October, I had two invites to parties. I was terrified, so didn't go to either.

The thing about getting fat is this. You can't hide it. From anyone. It's always there to remind you.

Compare that with addictions such as alcohol or drugs. Yes, those become all too obvious in the end... but many people can put on a mask. Fat people cannot.

And unless they really really REALLY love themselves, they'll be targeted. By everyone.

In my first year at secondary school, my lisp was the general target. "Thorn Lorthon", was how many referred to me. Which of course, just made me more self-conscious and shy.

As that faded away, the ridicule and bullying about my appearance began. You know how I stopped it?

By ridiculing MYSELF. Incessantly. That nipped it in the bud because... what's the point of attacking someone who shows that they're not affected by you - even when they actually are, a heck of a lot?

I continually reinforced in myself the following:

- That I was disgusting

- That I was completely unloveable

- That there was something *wrong with me*

And the further thing about being fat is the massive vicious circle that just goes on and on and on.

In my case, I stopped eating out altogether. Because when I had, other teenagers would sit, point and laugh at me. Because I disgusted them.

So I ate by myself in my bedroom. Temporarily comforting myself, then being disgusted by myself.

I also stopped doing PE. And why?

Because I found changing in front of the other boys absolutely unbearable. Like my absolute worst nightmare.

I'd always loved swimming in particular. I stopped aged 13 because, again, I could feel the whole world staring at me. Staring in disgust and contempt.

But if someone who's continually over-eating doesn't do sport, what happens? They get even fatter. And it gets worse. And worse. And worse.

It gets so much worse that when walking along by myself, people would yell abuse from cars at me.

It gets so much worse that when on a bus, on several occasions, drunken idiots would scream abuse at me throughout the journey.

It gets so much worse that you end up terrified when alone - because who's going to attack you next just for existing while being overweight?

It gets so much worse that when an acquaintance at uni invited me to some big get-together, I walked in, took one look at everyone sat around the table laughing and enjoying themselves... turned around and fled out of sheer embarrassment and shame.

It gets so much worse that even after I'd dropped from 24 stone to 14 stone in two years, I was:

- Shocked, confused and bewildered when people on my Master's actually liked me for who I was

- Still living exactly like a fat person does. Shy, withdrawn, timid.

I continued to find parties completely overwhelming. I'd be mute throughout.

My body language remained exactly the same as when I'd been so enormous; I still had "the fat man's complex", as someone once put it.

The first time someone sexually propositioned me, I froze. Completely. I couldn't believe what I'd just heard - was she mad? Blind? Both? - and pretended I hadn't heard her at all.

Years previously, when a friend had asked how I'd react if a woman tried to seduce me, I just started laughing. And laughing. And laughing. Because I found the whole idea completely absurd.

When I finally did have my first sexual experience, you know what happened?

As my partner pulled my shirt off, I pulled this awkward beyond belief face. I was terrified she'd take one look at my body and reject me. She'd never encountered that in any man before.

And later, when we'd had sex a few times, I caught a glimpse of myself in her mirror.

The mirror was opposite her bed. And all I saw was some disgusting fat bastard somewhere he shouldn't be. Somewhere he had no place being.

I stopped immediately. I was beyond disgusted at what I saw. Beyond disgusted at me.

I still don't take my t-shirt off on the beach even now. I bloody HATE having to take it off in the swimming pool - but the apartment building I live in insist on it.

And I still have plenty of issues around food and around my weight. They're lifelong ones.

You won't find many photos of me online. Or anywhere, for that matter. Because I avoid being photographed like you wouldn't believe.

Objectively, I've always thought I was very ugly. Seeing a picture of myself only reinforces that. And causes me intense, visceral pain.

All this - and plenty else besides - stemming not from not being validated, but not even being *accepted* as a child. Including, first and foremost, by my own parents.

But here's the thing. All those people who called me 'fat' were only being honest. Because I was fat. VERY fat

And they clearly felt it was their business to let me know that. Again and again and again.

I was different. I stuck out. I was weird. And they all let me know that too, again and again and again. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.

But again: they were only being honest.

As was my best friend, when she helpfully pointed out that I was so shy, I'd "never get beyond first base". Who even tried to help me formulate a strategy to avoid having to reveal that I had no experience - because that was *a problem*.

One night, on a very rare date with a very nice lady, I let that lack of experience slip.

BOOM! The atmosphere changed instantly, and I felt it instantly.

Because the woman in question wanted a man, not a boy... and no 26 year-old man could possibly have no experience unless there was something very wrong with them.

Everything I'd told myself and reinforced in me by others thus came true.

The real problem that night wasn't her. It was me. It was that *I* had a problem with my lack of experience: *I* was anxious about it. She couldn't be dealing with that, and I couldn't blame her.

You know that line about not being able to love others until you love yourself?

It's 50% bollocks and 100% a disastrous message to send victims of abuse.

Because how does anyone love themselves UNLESS they've first been loved unconditionally by others? Unless you're a complete narcissist, it's impossible.

Now, let's move this on. To trans people. Here, I'm especially referring to those with gender dysphoria and those who've fully transitioned medically.

These are people who've spent their whole lives struggling desperately with who they are. Feeling like they're in the wrong body

These are also people who are highly likely to have been bullied and ridiculed at school, and probably knew little but complete misery.

Yes, I have a problem with demands for validation. And with compelled speech too.

But I don't have a problem in any way with *acceptance* by others of them. It's desperately important.

If somebody has long experienced next to no acceptance, just ridicule and staring at them instead, you know what they'll probably end up doing?

Killing themselves.

Because what are they supposed to do? Where are they supposed to go?

If a trans woman needs the toilet, where should they go? The reason they choose the ladies' is because they're infinitely safer there. What they could face in the men's must be pretty awful.

And yes, before anyone says it, I know. It's intractable. Because women don't feel remotely safe around men either. Absolutely.

Three into two doesn't go - and it can't be up to women to let males into their spaces.

But over and above that, some of the things I read on here are just plain mean. And in the clip yesterday, Kellie-Jay Keen *was* mean. Very mean in many ways.

If a trans person asked me to refer to them by a particular pronoun, yes, I'd respect that.

And I also understand why others wouldn't. I get the 'slippery slope' argument; I hear you. I'm not asking anyone to 'be kind' here because

a) 'Be kind' has been spectacularly misused and exploited
b) I'm a man. It's not my spaces which are under threat
c) It's too high a bar.

Human beings, like animals, argue and fight all the time. Even with our entire species under imminent threat, we can't agree on any proper action. And 'be kind'? On Twitter?!?!

But I do think there's a reasonable bar. 'Be civil'.

That's not a bar I always meet. Plenty of times, I don't. I get confrontational, I over-assert myself, I behave like an absolute idiot.

But there's a reason why, in the outside world, we don't say the first thing that comes into our heads.

There's a reason why, if any of us had the ability to literally read the minds of others, we'd be instantly traumatised. Because people think awful things - including or even especially about those they love - all the time.

There's a reason why 'please' and 'thankyou' exist.

There's a reason why, if we face a big, difficult conversation with a colleague or a friend, we're likely to try and be diplomatic. Gentle. Civil. Lest we provoke a horrible reaction in them.

So let's go back to someone who's fully transitioned. Or someone with gender dysphoria

If they're a trans woman, each and every time, in all circumstances, they're going to be referred to as 'he' or 'him'... because it's 'honest'? Really?

It's not validation they'd be seeking there. It's just *acceptance*.

Everyone has their own line in the sand. I draw mine at some of the ridiculous cases of out and out narcissism we see retweeted on here every day.

But I don't draw it at those who just want to be accepted for who they are. Down that road lies ugh, I don't want to think about it

And given that gender dysphoria is very much a mental illness, refusing to accept those suffering with it *at all* will likely only make it worse.

It's not 'kind' to be cruel. In some cases, it'll just be abusive.

None of this means that I think anyone can change sex. They can't.

Until various activist organisations went completely batshit, trans people fully accepted that themselves. Many likely still do - it's just that they're drowned out by those claiming to 'represent' them.

None of this means I think women should give up any of their protected spaces whatsoever. It isn't on, for reasons we've all discussed again and again.

But that also doesn't mean I think trans people should be judged, or ridiculed, as they very often are on here.

That doesn't mean I don't have empathy for them. I do. I think being gender dysphoric must be absolutely horrendous; I think the transition period is long, hard, painful and frightening.

And it's unclear to me what we expect people to do between A and B too.

After all, if someone has to live as their preferred gender for 2 years first, what do they do if they need the toilet? If they want to use a changing room? That must be horribly hard.

I think the only solution are third spaces. But even then, what about trans men?

They never get a look-in in this whole discussion. It's almost like they've been disappeared from public discourse altogether.

But beyond that, even though people cannot change sex, I'm not about to be mean for the sake of it. Even if it's 'just being honest'.

Those kids at school were just being honest too. And they, along with my upbringing, made my life much, much, MUCH worse.

Civility is what makes the world go around. Try it, don't try it, it's up to you. Nobody is compelled to do anything.

Equally, nobody is compelled to tell white or other lies in order to avoid conflict with and hurting others. Yet just about everyone has done it: at work and play.

Fair play to anyone who's never done so. I would say you're a saint - but you might just be cruel or harsh instead

And one final thing, just to make things clear.

No: rapists do not deserve to be referred to by their favoured pronouns, and anyone who expects this is absolutely disgusting.

/ENDS