Doing a Daisy 🐈 all day today. It’s been the morn/afternoon/eve after one of the crazier NYEs in my life. But every New Years Day is a reminder of Mum. 21y, but still remembering today. The shock of learning that #Epilepsy kills. She never made a big deal/complained about it 💜> 
2/ Apart from a disabled rail pass she never really seemed ill. She somehow managed 4 very strong minded kids and a difficult life. Her life got more and more difficult as her life went on and her last 7 years were very sad indeed, she was physically very disabled & very unhappy
3/ That’s the saddest thing I remember. Her being sad and having had such a shitty life, especially at the end. I think of her as a very loving Mum who was a real homemaker and an incredible cook. She could could anything. Whip up meals for a family of six out of leftovers. >
4/ She made a Chicken Surprise stew once which was a surprise if you could find any chicken in it 😹😹😹 She was very artistic too. She was softly spoken. People thought she was quiet but she spoke. She was not moved from her opinions without good reason. >
5/ After the motorway collision we lost that Mum. We had a different Mum who woke from the coma. Very fragile, sad, broken in mind and body. When she died it was the second time we lost her. The seizures she’d had from 5 years old & the head injury had finally claimed her at 47 >
6/ The only reason I know she was 47 is because it was written on her coffin. I remember seeing it. I was from a community where birthdays were not celebrated, so I never paid attention to birthdays. I never really knew or retained my parents birthdays. I don’t remember Mum’s.
7/ Now I’m only a few years off 47, I think how young she was, but how old she looked. The idea of having 4 kids aged 12-21 right now seems so alien to me, but she did. She grew up, got married, did what women were ‘supposed’ to do. She never worked. I worked but never grew up >
8/ She was this incredible Mum. I was the eldest so I could remember her before the sadness moved her over the bridge, colliding into the central reservation of the motorway. Surviving as a shell of herself for 7 years. But I remember the loving Earth mother from before >
9/ My little brother was 5 when it happened, so he will never really remember - or know. Her post partum depression was pretty bad after he was born. She loved Amethyst and pigs. Why pigs, grief knows. But I love amethyst to because it reminds me of her. >
10/ I have an Amethyst ring I bought that reminds me of her. My wedding ring has gold and stones from her jewellery. I carry her with me on my hands every day, even though I don’t consciously think about her each day anymore. I miss her. >
11/ I was brought up to believe that when you were dead, that was it. Kaput. No more. It was a strange belief that involved a resurrection to earth at a later date, which meant we never mourned properly because dead ones were away temporarily - sleeping - on holiday…??? >
12/ Only in recent years have I realised that strange beliefs meant I never properly mourned Mum. Neither did my siblings. I’m not sure I know how to. I’m learning death in my 40s, as I reach Mum’s age. I wonder what she would think of that, because she never learnt death either>
13/ Its impossible to know what happens, isn’t it? I moved away from the strange beliefs after she died, no longer so beholden to them. I very much subscribed to the idea that that’s it, when you are dead you are dead. Minus any theist beliefs. But as I’ve got older, softened, >
14/ I’ve realised you just don’t know. It’s impossible. The idea of our energy, our life. Life everywhere. Where does it go? Is it a religious thing? Spiritual? Extra terrestrial? Science we haven’t learnt yet - the dimensions they talk about in quantum physics? >
15/ Do people stay sentient after they die? Are they the same personality in a different form? Do they remember us? Haunt us? Protect us? Are they reincarnated and forget us? Maybe they wake up in a pod as they disengage from the matrix 😳 I don’t know. >
16/ I do know that Mum’s ashes were scattered in the garden of remembrance in Redditch. Somewhere in that garden her ashes mixed with the soil, the have nourished a plant, blades of grass, a tree… a living, breathing part of this world. She literally lives on. 💜💜💜
@threadreaderapp please unroll 🙏🏽☺️🥰
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