Thread by @MsKellyMHayes

When I mentioned that I have a relative who is presently dying of COVID, I limited the replies to people who follow me, because I didn't want to field questions about whether or not they were vaccinated. I hate that people do that when folks are losing people.

I appreciate the kind responses from folks. The truth is, I don't know if they were vaccinated. I have been very vocal about vaccination and I know that the majority of my family has followed thru (it's a large extended family, I'm not sure about everyone).

I didn't know they were sick until it was so bad that I felt like inquiring about their vaccination status would just be shitty. So I gently inquired about whether some other family members were jabbed, to make sure they were as safe as possible. They were.

Idk if they were an exception to that rule or one of the very rare people for whom the vaccine is not enough to prevent severe illness and death. I don't know. And honestly, I hate that it matters to people. That folks wonder, while debating his mournability. That's fucked, fam.

Something has happened to us. In the beginning, it was us against the unthinkable -- and as faulty as that notion was, since we're not really *all in it together*, it sparked beautiful projects and moments that created new relations & purpose. I saw the best of humanity.

Now people blame the dying for taking up too much space. We're all just fucking scared animals, folks. People scanning for answers, as frightened people do amid crises so large our minds can barely make meaning of them, were met w a world of misinformation, confusion & conspiracy

I have no idea if my relative bought into some story about why he shouldn't trust the shot. I know the question of whether they did or didn't is not the moral binary people would like it to be. People would like the world to be that simple because it's easier to be angry.

It's easier to have contempt for each other than acknowledge that a cogent public health response could have prevented so much of this, and that so much of the suffering and death that's happening now is preventable. I'm not saying you don't get to be angry, but aim forward ffs.

I talked about my concerns about applying moral binaries to COVID deaths back in September and folks came for me about as hard as conservatives do when I write about cops. That's what asking people to be more compassionate about death gets you these days. truthout.org/audio/laughing…

I'm worried about us.

As for my relative, doctors will discontinue life support tomorrow, if they have not transitioned by then. I will be okay. But a lot of people won't be, and rather than asking whether they deserve your compassion, I think we should ask what a lack of compassion is doing to us.

I'm not some Pollyanna, grieving the deaths of fascists who want me dead, but I am also not projecting that persona on everyone who's in an ICU or coding in an emergency room or assisted living facility right now.

I don't know who most of those people are, or what choices they've made, or why. But I do know that I lose something -- me, personally, in a big way -- when I write off their humanity. I refuse that loss. I feel for those people, for their families, for us all.

Grief hurts, but suppressing it -- that leads to much uglier things.

They've passed now. Most close relatives have preexisting conditions, so gathering is out of the question. I want to bring or send food, but there are pandemic related logistical concerns, so I'm prob going to go with grubhub gift cards which just feels so... off.

I think I'm going to frequently return to what @CosbyMoni told me about making light in the tunnel. That's what we have to learn to do now.