Thread by @michaelharriot

But I wake up late, race to the airport & make it on the plane. My seat is in the middle of the plane, right where they keep those carts. I notice the lady in front of me looks kinda like the vampire plane lady ( or at least the one in my dream). Plus, she figured out a finesse:

https://twitter.com/michaelharriot/status/1482099695191265282

Because we’re in overlapping cart territory, she basically has 2 different l flight attendants serving her. & she’s sucking down bottles of Sutter Home the way I imagine the Kardashians would do if they were vampires and found a bar that serves locally-grown Black people’s blood.

I’m not really paying attention and I have on noise canceling headphones. But I notice people looking in my directions & turn on transparency mode.

The lady’s making guttural noises & twitching. They ask if she’s feeling ok but I’m like “this mf finna go full vampire!”

The flight attendants realize they’ve both been serving her and she’s toasted. They ask her for the bottles. She says “what bottles?” And yelps. Y’all, I didn’t even know yelping was a thing but this episode of Vampires on a Plane got a drunk, yelping white woman

She’s one seat in front of me so I can see a millimeter of gray, so I know she’s colored her hair… JUST like a vampire would!

My first thought is: “do I have something to stab a vampire with if shit goes sideways?” I remember that I bought some paintbrushes with wooden handles

Everyone is kinda freaking out. I’m straight, now that I know my paintbrushes are in my bag but then I see something horrific:

This muhfucka ain’t got her mask on!

The flight attendants are scared to bother the tipsy vampire & she’s just yelping Dracula COVID over everything.

Meanwhile, vampire lady’s seatmate, an older lady who’s probably NOT a vampire, BOUNCES. I have NO idea where she went. I know the plane’s full bc I saw the seat-change chart while scrambling for the airport. But she’s a white lady so they prolly let her sit on the pilot’s lap!

Apparently, vampire lady’s son and daughter in-law are in in front of her. The D-in-law tried to talk some sense into her but she’s vampire yelping again & sprinkling cusswords in
They tell the male flight attendant as if vampires don’t have excellent hearing or as if she cares

This whole time, I’m like: “Tell her to put her mask on! Do you know how many COVIDSES she’s spitting out while she’s transforming to a vampire?”

Nope He wants to make sure she ain’t getting on another plane. Then she starts wiping her nose between yelps

She’s almost a vampire now. And these motherfuckers aren’t doing anything. I just remember that my vampire-killing paintbrush is in the overhead bin. I have a decision to make:

Do I want to be a Vampire with long COVID? Do vampires need boosters if they drink the vaxxed blood?

she’s reaches 90% percent dracula. How do I know? Because she’s got a built-in vampire alarm!

She starts wailing! I seriously thought it was the plane but it’s her. And she is good AF at pretending to be human!

Her son is so fucking embarrassed. He is BEGGING her to stop

But if 2 seasons of True Blood (before it started sucking) taught me anything, it’s that Vampires rarely respond to reasonable requests for decorum. Vampires gon vampire. Luckily, I’m wearing a hoodie/sweater. She’s gonna have to bite through pure cashmere to get to my neck.

Luckily the flight lands before I become an official vampire slayer (I can throw hands with a woman if she’s a vampire, right?)

Ok, it’s not pure cashmere but I’m pretty sure it’s vampire proof.

And she’s still wylin’. But you can tell her transformation is complete because she sounds like she’s coming down.

Anyway, I just wanted my friends in ATL to know there’s a maskless vampire who probably has COVID running around.

But I think we all know the moral of this story:

Apparently, Sutter Home is the real deal.