Thread by @Matthews_angst

I Have a black dog. Winston Churchill coined the phrase as far as I know, and it has resonated with me since the first day I heard it. Some times this dog just follows me round, enforcing my insecurities, and stealing moments of joy by injecting self doubt.

on occasion it just sits quietly in the room, almost unnoticed. Lately he seems very happy to be alongside me, growling fiercely at just about every moment
He's so bloody distracting that I feel like beating this unwelcome beast, but in truth I would only be beating myself.

I don't write this for sympathy or likes, I write in this moment in an attempt to encourage understanding, and partly in the hope it will instigate some small victory for myself and others who battle an unwanted stray. a million likes mean nothing if I cannot truly like myself.

It's no secret, I have issues. damn I used to use it as a sales pitch when I actually sold The Big Issue ! Gleefully happy to shout " I've got issues" ! As I held the magazine up high and profited from my pun..

Back then life had it's own problems, the daily grind to get whatever substance was required just to get through the day. Getting food, staying dry. Not all harsh, some of it was liberating. Nobody gives a fuck about you, and you no one else. And no bills or responsibility.

Knowing that you're on your own , and in return you have no obligations to anyone is a double edged sword. It breeds comfort and misery in equal measure.

This black dog accompanied me there and still does now. Now I've chosen a new path and hopefully a more fulfilling one at that , he is growling again. I swear the bastard is psychic, does he turn up before a situation unfolds, as it unfolds? Either way he's back, and I hate him.

Lately he growls that I'm an imposter, I don't belong here. My new relationships are not built on what I thought, they will end, people will see me for what I am. We have very different ideas about who I am !
He likes to remind me who I WAS for sure. God forbid I should forget.

I didn't get up till 3PM today, because the bastard was sat on my chest this morning, he won a victory and I went back to sleep. Couldn't summon what was needed to fight him off. Maybe I write so that tomorrow can be different, I don't know.

Either way it's dark now, I've made it through another day. If any of this relates to you as you read this, then well done, you did too ! It's a victory for sure. I have no answers, only empathy and huge respect, perhaps some love too. It's a daily battle, and you fight it alone.

❤️

@threadreaderapp untill please

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